When is the Right Time to Get Married?

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Q: How did you know when you wanted to tie the knot and “settle down”? Maybe I just have commitment issues, but it’s been almost two years since I started dating my girlfriend, and at times I feel no closer to being comfortable with the thought of marriage than I have in the last few years. Not saying things aren’t good, just that I want to be sure I don’t fuck it up.

A: Marriage isn’t for everyone so don’t assume that just because a certain amount of time has passed you need to feel the marriage bug. Or if you do think you want to get married, but it scares you a lot then don’t jump into it just because you think you should. Jumping into marriage is never a good idea. But if it concerns you, sit down and talk to your girlfriend and discuss it. Maybe she doesn’t even want to get married.

For me, it was actually something I decided before I even met my wife. This may sound odd, but it felt totally normal for me. A lot of it had to do with what happened before we met and how my attitude about relationships changed. Story time!

Most of my romantic life has been a series of awful relationships one after another. They were all intensely felt and extremely short. Part of the problem was that I suffered from major paranoia. My brain always went off on its own tangents about what my significant other was doing in the time we were away which pretty much led me to be that crazy girlfriend who is always calling and crying. But it didn’t help that most of the people I dated seriously were jerks or completely immature. At 23 I was starting to think that I’d never have a real longterm relationship.

Then I started dating a coworker. In the beginning we tried to take it slow because we worked together and didn’t want to start any sort of office drama. But it really didn’t work. We had a whirlwind romance and fell in love really quickly. We spent all of our time together and life was fantastic. He was the first person I had ever been with that I wanted something more with. I seriously started having fantasies about moving in together.

But then he became busy … all the time. These were real issues he was dealing with; he wasn’t just blowing me off. He was a genuinely nice guy. He found out he had a daughter from a one night stand 5 years ago, he had decided to go back to school, and he was trying to fix the life that he had fucked up in his 20s. It was all too much and he became less and less available. The paranoia started and would NOT stop no matter how much he tried to console me.

Eventually I had to break it off with him. We were still madly in love, but I couldn’t live so unhappily. The end of that relationship was the biggest heartbreak I ever went through. I was used to breaking up with people for being assholes, not because it just wasn’t working. I tried sex with other people and I hated it. I’d drink and then call him. This led me to basically becoming a hermit for the next 8 months where all I did was eat, watch tv, work, and go to school. I stopped socializing, I stopped drinking, and I stopped dating. Eight months is the longest period of time that I have EVER gone without sex or dating. I was seriously distraught.

But the truth of the matter is, I never actually saw a real future with this guy. I loved him and I wanted to move in with him, but the next step in my head was breaking up. I thought our relationship would probably last maybe a year or two. I loved him so much and yet I knew that we wouldn’t work in the longterm.

Moving in with someone and then breaking up with them after a year or two was actually the next step for a relationship in my head. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. Just another relationship casualty on the path of life.

So during that 8 months of deep depression I reassessed what I wanted. I also started going to a therapist to help me get over the devastation I was feeling. I decided that I couldn’t go through that again. I did not want to relive this breakup, so what was the point of moving in with someone and then breaking up? That started to sound like a horrible plan. So I decided that the next relationship I got in would be for keeps. Keep in mind though that I don’t commit to just anyone who happens along. I date awhile first before I decide anything.

The first person I had sex with after that 8 months was a total disaster. The paranoia attacked way earlier than it normally does and I had to break it off. But soon I would meet my wife and that relationship started off pretty much the only way I can imagine a relationship of mine starting and actually being successful. She was more screwed up than me. She’d just gotten out of a 4 year relationship and was completely destructive. We became friends and we had sex, but I was so not interested in a relationship with her.

This went on for 2.5 months before we admitted to each other that we had feelings for each other. After 3 months we had a talk about commitment and what we both needed from the relationship and the other person. It was then a bit of a whirlwind relationship where we quickly fell in love as we both healed as people. And the most important thing of all was that I didn’t suffer from paranoia. She texted me all the time. I never asked her to. She just did it. I always knew where she was, who she was with, and what she was doing. It turned out that that was exactly what I needed to quiet the thoughts. It was never an issue of trust for me, but an issue of not knowing what was going on. I’m a control freak with an overly active imagination.

The weirdest thing about our relationship though was that we planned our wedding before we ever decided to get married. It wasn’t scary or anything. We knew that all we were really doing was comparing our likes and dislikes in a way that most people don’t do. It was a lot of fun! We actually started planning our wedding before we even moved in together.

After we had moved in together and discussed the wedding more like it might actually happen we both started thinking that big scary thought: “spending the rest of my life with this person.” Yikes! We realized that we both weren’t ready just yet. While we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with each other pretty early on in the relationship, it was still a scary idea to actually commit to forever.

And then one day, I wasn’t scared anymore. It just seemed right. So we went ring shopping and I put her in charge of proposing.

My story is probably very different than a lot of people’s stories. I’m sure that if you have a story, it will be different than mine. Just remember that marriage isn’t for everyone and that there is no need to rush into it if you don’t want it or aren’t ready. Talk it over. It always freaks me out that in a lot of heterosexual relationships the man just pops the question. Deciding to get married should be a discussion, not a surprise.

March 9th, 2010 | Share:
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 | Category: advice, dating, relationships | One comment

Moregasm

Moregasm is Babeland’s entrance into the world of comprehensive sex guides. There are quite a few out there and some are better than others. Moregasm does some things extremely well, much better than a lot of the competition, and it does other things kind of poorly. Overall though, it is one of the better sex guides I have read.

The biggest shortfall of most sex guides is that they default to heterosexual sex and treat queer sex as if it’s this other thing that other people do, but obviously not the reader. They’ll usually include a chapter about homosexuality and bisexuality and another chapter about trans folks, but always from the point of view that they’re teaching us about a foreign concept. They couldn’t possibly be teaching anyone who actually is one of those things. That can really make LGBTQQI folks feel abnormal and like maybe something is wrong with them. And is it really a comprehensive guide if they’re cutting out a good portion of the population?

Moregasm does not make this mistake. Throughout the entire book they address the reader as if they might be open to any kind of sex. This is not surprising given the writers. They are the founders of Babeland. As someone who works in a sex shop I know exactly how to talk to a customer without making any sort of judgments about who the person would be having sex with. I make sure to include all types of bodies in my discussions unless the customer makes it clear who they intend to use the object with.

At the same time, sex shop workers are used to talking directly to a person whose gender we can usually assume from looking and talking to them. We rarely try to make assumptions about the person’s sex, only about what gender they are presenting. Because of this and many other reasons they decided to write the book from the perspective of a woman for women. It can be extremely complicated to write a book that makes absolutely no assumptions what so ever. I’d really like to see someone try to do it and come out with an amazingly fantastic inclusive book. I really would. But damn it would be difficult. So I gotta give Moregasm props for being inclusive even if they wrote the book specifically for women. At least they acknowledge that fact.

Moregasm is not only inclusive, but it’s also completely accessible. The writing is light, fun, and educational. The writers know that they know more about sex than the average reader of this book, but they don’t make you feel bad for it. They celebrate your quest for knowledge and they never once put you to sleep. The colorful explicit pictures help to make the book fun and sexy although make it much more difficult for me to read on my morning commute to work on the bus. In fact I blame those giant naked pictures for me taking so long to get through this easy to read guide. It is DIFFICULT to hide them! But you’re all good if you just plan on reading this guide in the comfort of your own home, which is probably recommended anyway.

So, what doesn’t Moregasm do well?

The thing about publishing a book is that the publisher has to approve it and that means they have to approve the look of it. This can be extremely difficult if you are trying to create an all inclusive guide to sex. This book is filled with beautiful pictures of beautiful people. There are some pictures of different types of bodies, but most of them are thin, young, white, and cis-gendered. There are a few different races sprinkled around in the book. There is one picture of a trans man pictured next to a write up about trans, genderqueer, and intersexed folks. Although, I do credit them for picturing a few more androgynous women throughout the book. There are two pictures of older people, but those are tucked in the back amongst the questions about sex when you get older. And while the models aren’t all super skinny, there isn’t one person I would categorize as fat in the whole book. There is also not a single picture of anyone who is visibly disabled. This is all important because I feel that it is necessary for everyone to see themselves in a comprehensive sex guide in order for them to feel included in the discussion and because it is important for everyone to see that people of all types are sexy and beautiful in their own ways. But like I said before, this can depend hugely on what the publisher okays.

The other thing that I didn’t really like about Moregasm is that I felt that it was constantly trying to promote Babeland. This is probably going to keep this book out of a lot of other sex shops that are just as good as Babeland is. Why would a shop owner want to sell a book that is constantly telling the reader to shop at Babeland? This is especially poorly done in the section on lube. Every single lube that the book recommends is a Babeland brand lube. There are lots of good lubes out there that aren’t made by Babeland, but they aren’t mentioned. Probably because Babeland makes more money on their lubes, especially if you have to buy them from Babeland.

So overall, this book is fun, sexy, and educational. It doesn’t do everything perfectly, but it delivers where a lot of books don’t. I definitely recommend this book to all sexualities, but would recommend other books for information on sex with disabilities, aging, and trans identities.

March 7th, 2010 | Share:
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 | Category: reviews, sex toy shops, women | One comment

Why We So Desperately Need Good Sex Ed

There are several new studies out that scare the hell out of me. Sex education should be a basic right for everyone. It is a necessity. How can you possibly keep yourself sane and healthy if you are having sex, but don’t know anything about it other than it feels good? And hell, if you’re a woman, maybe you don’t even have that much going on.

The Sexist points to a recent study (giant pdf) done by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy which surveyed single Americans aged 18-29 asking them about their perceptions of contraception. It turns out that women don’t know too much and men know even less.

Twenty-eight percent of young men think that wearing two condoms at a time is more effective than just one. Twenty-five percent think that women can prevent pregnancy by douching after sex. Eighteen percent believe that they can reduce the chance of pregnancy by doing it standing up.
For the most part, men lagged behind women on the pregnancy prevention front. And when the study dipped into the realm of “female” forms of birth control, the gender divide intensified. In the study, 29 percent of men and 32 percent of women reported that they know “little or nothing about condoms.” When asked to rate their knowledge of birth control pills, 78 percent of men reported to be clueless, compared to 45 percent of women.

To really drive the level of stupidity home, the article shares anecdotes from women with clueless boyfriends not understanding how the NuvaRing works (“how is it going to catch my semen?”) or even how women’s bodies work (can you shower on your period while not wearing a tampon?). They point to the lack of sex education and knowledge of women’s bodies as the problem here and I have to agree strongly.

The next study done by the Kinsey Institute shows that Americans can’t even agree on what sex is. The study was a survey of 486 mostly heterosexual 18-96 year olds. They asked a series of questions involving different sexual acts and then asked them if it was sex. “Would you say you ‘had sex’ with someone if the most intimate behavior you engaged in was [blank]?”

“two out of ten people did not concur that penile-anal intercourse was sex, and three out of ten said ‘no’ to oral-genital activity, as did half of the respondents about manual-genital contact.” And, while 95 percent classified penile-vaginal penetration as sex (one has to wonder what does count for the remaining 5 percent), that number dropped to 89 percent in cases where the man doesn’t ejaculate.

You have to wonder if this is part of why people are so clueless about safer sex and birth control. If we can’t even decide on what sex is then how can we adequately protect ourselves? And hell that’s why Gold Star Lesbians are still considered virgins by so many mainstream folks. I mean, how can queer sex even exist at all within these kinds of definitions? Its no wonder so many people so offensively ask how two women can have sex.

It reminds me of when I lost my virginity. I had a pretty traditional view of losing one’s virginity at the age of 17 and yet my boyfriend at the time still considered himself to be a virgin even after we had, what I considered to be, sex. His penis went in my vagina and he broke my hymen. It hurt. There was no real thrusting or orgasms that night. But I thought I’d lost my virginity. According to him though, neither of us had.

Can we please stop with the abstinence only education already? It does NOT work! We all have a right to know how to take care of our bodies and learning about sex is a huge part of that.

March 6th, 2010 | Share:
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 | Category: advice, contraception, health, news, sex education, virginity | Leave a comment

Pleasurists #67

stones by Todd V. Wolfson

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #66? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #68? Be sure to read our submission guidelines and then you can use our submission form and submit it before Sunday March 7th at 11:59pm PST.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Looking for sexy posts other than reviews?

e[lust] #8

Editrix

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

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Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

BDSM/Fetish

Adult Books & Games

Adult Movies & Porn

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Miscellaneous

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March 6th, 2010 | Share:
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If you Google it, I will Answer #4

I love seeing how people get to my site. And sometimes they inadvertently find my site by asking a question I never answer here. That makes me sad :( So in the interest of getting people’s questions answered I will respond to questions I see people Googling to get here.

Q: How to get the poop smell off a sex toy?

First of all, stop smearing poop on your sex toys. Nobody likes a poopy sex toy.

Secondly, if you’re putting sex toys in your butt and after washing them thoroughly they still smell like poop, you’re using bad quality sex toys. You should really only put sex toys in your butt if they are made of a non-porous material like silicone, glass, steel, and treated wood. Porous materials allow for little spaces for bacteria to grow and your butt is just full of bacteria. You can see why this might be a bad combination. If you just HAVE to use a low quality butt toy, put a condom on it.

March 4th, 2010 | Share:
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 | Category: advice, anal play, sex toys | 5 comments

Porn for a Cause

Image from Jiz Lee's new project: Karma Pervs

You know what makes me feel good, like in my pants? Porn. You know what makes me feel good, like in my heart? Helping those in need. Now, if only we could figure out a way to do both at the same time we could have warm fuzzies in our belly AND in our hands!

Lucky for us we don’t have to work too hard on this one because Jiz Lee is doing it all for us. They (god I hate incorrect grammar, but damn it if I won’t use it for the one and only Jiz who is genderqueer) has started a new project where you, the audience, can buy exclusive porno sets of hotties and the proceeds will go to a charity of Jiz’s choice. Each month its a different charity. This month’s charity is the STOP AIDS Project which works to … well … stop AIDS in the gay and bisexual men’s communities in San Francisco.

Its $7.99 per month to join. That seems a bit steep for just one set of pictures (50 in the current set), but you have to remember that really you’re supporting the charity of choice and getting porn out of the deal. Each month you have re-join so you are actively supporting the cause. What I can’t tell though is if you get access to all the pictures or just that month’s pictures. It’s not too clear. And it would also be nice to be able to sign up for recurring charges if you want to. But this is new so I’m sure the bugs will get worked out.

Speaking of new sites, there are a couple of other sites out that are pretty new and pretty damn hot. They aren’t necessarily doing the same good work that Jiz is doing, but we can’t all be do-gooders all the time. Sometimes we just want to wank.

Do you like fat women? Do you like BDSM and other fun kinky stuff? Are you horribly disappointed at the lack of the two of them together in porn? Well your dreams have come true with Padded Kink!

Click the picture for a free gallery

Or maybe what you really really want is cock. Lots and lots of cock. I mean who doesn’t love cock, right? But this cock is all strapped-on all the time. Check out CockSexual for all the cock you could ever want. They’re stroking their cocks, they’re fucking people with them, cocks are getting sucked. There’s even a real cock or two sprinkled in for fun. Its a cock-fest over there and I couldn’t be happier.

Yeah, thats another picture of Jiz Lee. I couldn’t help myself. They is everywhere!

All this nakedness is … inspiring!

March 3rd, 2010 | Share:
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 | Category: gender, news, porn, strap-on | One comment
 
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