My partner and I have been together for about 15 years. We have a secure and trusting relationship. We’ve talked about her sleeping with another person (man or woman) off and on for a couple of years. I’m absolutely fine with it. In fact it turns me on a bit. But she is still reluctant. She wants to but she still thinks I might not be okay with it afterwords. What steps can I take to reassure her that it’s fine with me? I don’t see sex as cheating. Or is it me that’s wrong? What are the steps we can take to go down this path?
We don’t have kids – if that makes a difference.
Let me start off by saying that kids don’t make a lick of difference here.
Okay now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’d say that in general you guys are taking the right steps. There’s obviously been a lot of communication, which is supremely important if you’re thinking about opening up your relationship. And what there needs to be more of also is communication. Its not surprising that she is worried about how you will react afterwords. She obviously values your relationship a great deal and doesn’t want to screw it up. Traditionally, sex outside of relationships has been known to screw things up. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
So how much more communication can there be? How about instead of trying to convince her that you’ll be okay after she sleeps with someone else, you move the topic to how you both plan on checking in with each other after she does. There is the possibility that you may feel ways that you don’t expect to feel and if you’re both prepared with how to deal with those feelings then the more likely this will all go smoothly. Talk about jealousy. Talk about what things you only want her to do with you. But make sure that before she has sex with someone else that you set up an appointment with each other for afterwords to check in on how you’re both feeling.
Before you both dive into the deep end I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up, which is about all kinds of open relationships. It will help you to set ground rules between the both of you (including having her always use protection!!) and help guide you through the process. She also has a website where you can talk to other people going through the same issues you are and even find local support communities.
Whether or not sex is cheating really depends on the people in the relationship. There are a lot of people in open relationships who definitely wouldn’t consider sex with others to be cheating as long as their partner was being honest about it. Some couples may be okay with vaginal sex outside of the relationship but reserve anal for each other. And then there are other couples who consider viewing pornography as cheating. So its all really up to the couple to decide and discuss. Just remember to communicate and be safe.
Well, it’s now been over a year. During that time we have communicated and discussed it many times. She doesn’t question whether I’d be okay with it any more. I think the turning point was when she had lunch with an ex-boyfriend. At the end of their lunch he caught her off guard and kissed her. She said that the kiss lasted a minute or two, and it was only when he broke the kiss that she regained her faculties and left. When she told me all of this she saw that I was happy with no jealousy at all.
She now genuinely seems ready to take that next step.
Tonight while we went for a walk we were casually discussing whether she should try a lesbian relationship or a hetro one. My preference is hetro, but it is ultimately her choice.
Another issue we discussed is whether or not she should choose people she used to date and who have told her on occasion they are still open to casual physical encounters.
She is thinking of meeting up with that same ex-boyfriend. They always had amazing sexual chemistry but they parted because they just didn’t work as a couple. She said that she’s never had that type of chemistry before or after.
He’s my pick for her, but I’m leaving it up to her. I doubt it will happen any time soon but if it does I’ll let you know how it went.
I’m also trying to source a copy of that book right now.
I’m so glad that you’ve been taking it slowly and that she’s coming around. Definitely pick up the book. It’s helping my wife and I to discuss opening up our own relationship as well. Good luck!
Hi. Checking in again.
We got the book but it didn’t really offer much to us. It really confirmed a lot of what we already thought.
She hasn’t met up with anyone yet. Although it is my fantasy I’m not forcing it on her. If it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t.
However she’s seriously considering it and starting to narrow down what type of guy she would like “if” it happened. She seems far more eager talking about what type of guys she lusts after and what she would do with a guy like that. My guess is that it’s only a matter of time.
She has to find a guy worthy of being in a relationship with.
It happened. My wife met a guy at a party. She’s 35 and he is 20. During their first date I experienced a whole bunch of emotions that I didn’t expect. There was fear, jealousy, some more fear and the entire time my heart was racing. I couldn’t work out if I was excited or just scared.
It’s totally confronting to hear your wife tell you about a date she went on and although I put a smile on my face I didn’t feel it and more than anything I was confused.
To anyone considering this, think long and hard about it because I didn’t expect this reaction.
Anyway, that was a couple of months ago. She now sees him regularly. The extra sex and attention has put a spark into her that I haven’t seen in years. As time has gone on I’m feeling happy about the situation. In fact, we are closer than ever even though we have sex less frequently.
From a guy’s perspective the whole “wife with another man” fantasy is about sex. I just wanted to put it out there that reality doesn’t stop at sex.
I guess what I failed to really grasp is that I wasn’t encouraging my wife to have sex with another guy, I was allowing my wife to form a significant loving relationship with another man.
My wife is happily dating and is very much like a school girl in love with her young boyfriend.
Like I said, I’m feeling happy about the situation but the feelings of jealousy derive from the emotional relationship they share, not the physical one.
Another update. There’s just a whole bunch of stuff I never fully thought through at the outset.
As their relationship has progressed he isn’t okay with her sleeping with other men. So my wife hasn’t slept with me for a month. She lets me help hervpick out clothes and lingerie for her dates but that’s the only time I even see her naked.
The biggest thing is that other people in my life are becoming aware of what’s happening. My wife has told her friends about this and one of my family members saw my wife and her boyfriend shopping – holding hands and flirting with each other. It’s only a matter of time before all our friends and our families know.
It isn’t just the big stuff. My wife is seeing all the latest movies with her boyfriend, so I either miss out or have to take myself or go with friends but without her.
My wife and I are still very close, and we have talked all this out. despite all of this we are both very happy. We are forging on and seeing where this takes us.
Come back Garnet – we miss you!
Another update. Here’s some more advice for others thinking of going down this path. Sit down and work out boundaries and agree on rules to support those boundaries, both yours and your partner’s. We never did this.
Her boyfriend has moved in and sleeps with my wife in our marital bed while I’m currently sleeping on a futon sofa. At first it was one or two weeks a night but this past week we all agreed it should be permanent. The compromise is that he gave the okay that my wife could sleep with me. It makes sense because he is a student and by staying with us he doesn’t have to work.
I can’t say it’s been easy having him move in. I started regretting the whole thing until the other morning. They were eating breakfast quietly while I was getting ready for work. They looked into each others eyes, smiled leaned in and kissed.
Seeing that made me feel happy and calm. I know now we are making the right choices. I have to admit, I’m really looking forward to sleeping with my wife. I’ve gone without sex for 2 months and I’m craving her hot little body.
Final update on this. Poly relationships are very hard and it all fell apart. My wife and I are now a couple again with her ex-boyfriend moving out. We working through a very confusing experience.