The Sqweel

The Sqweel is possibly one of the weirdest looking sex toys I’ve ever owned. I’d seen some good reviews and some bad reviews of this toy and I jumped on the chance to try it out when Babeland offered because I was convinced it wouldn’t work for me at all. Sure there are lots of toys that Babeland offers to me that I know wouldn’t work for me, like bullet vibes, but the Sqweel is in a whole different category. I hate that toy companies are always trying to mimic oral sex. It’s really an impossible feat as far as I’m concerned, so why try so hard? I wanted this toy so I could once and for all tell companies to cut out the bullshit and just stop trying.

And maybe it was because I had such extremely low expectations for this toy that I actually ended up loving it. Its not perfect and it doesn’t really feel like oral sex, but I really, really like it! It has not been able to get me to orgasm and I doubt that it will ever will. My clit needs a jackhammer. But it is a great warmup. The sensations that it creates actually arouse me in ways that a vibrator just can’t do. It feels like a more natural warm up than just sticking a Hitachi between my legs and going from 0 to 60 in 10 minutes or less. It makes me coo!

So this is how it all went down: I received the Sqweel in the mail, opened the package, and made fun of it. I then actually started feeling the pink silicone tongues and getting a little excited. For some reason I had expected the tongues to be more hard and rigid instead of the soft supple silicone that they were. The toy was a bit smaller than I had expected as well. It fit in the palm of my hand easily, which is saying a lot since I have the hands of a 5 year old. I probably would have tried it right then and there except that it took AAA batteries and I only had AA’s in the house. It would have to wait.

A couple days went by and each time I’d pass the Sqweel waiting for me in the kitchen (what? You don’t keep your new toys on the kitchen table?) I’d look at it longingly. I was surprised by how much I wanted to try it, but still figured it probably wouldn’t feel all that great.

I finally picked up a pack of batteries at the store and went to work cleaning the Sqweel. The makers of this toy really thought this through! It is extremely easy to open the plastic clamshell and pop the pieces out for easy cleaning. It will never be exceedingly easy to clean so many silicone tongues, but they made it so it wasn’t extremely difficult. I imagine lesser companies would’ve made it so you couldn’t open the container, but had to turn the wheel to clean each tongue one by one. And forget about any gunk that might form on the inside. Thankfully this is not the case with the Sqweel.

I then took it to the bedroom with the little sample packet of Sliquid Organics lube that was provided in the box and proceeded to get under the covers with my wife who was extremely interested in how this test was going to turn out. I turned the toy on to the low setting and slowly squeezed lube out onto the tongues so they would all get covered. I then put a little lube on myself. If you don’t like being lubey then this toy is really not for you because you really need to get it nice and slick for it to feel good.

I spread my outer labia a bit so that I could get the toy right up on my clit and went to town. I tried the 3 different speeds and I tried different angling of the toy. The first speed really doesn’t do much for me as its too slow and stops too easily when pressed up against. I definitely enjoyed the medium and highest speed although if you press it into yourself these speeds will also stop. But remember ladies this is not a vibrator! Pressing it hard into yourself is just going to stop the motion, not make the sensation go deeper. I found my favorites were to have the toy at a slight angle so that the tongues went in a diagonal line across my clit or to have the top of the clamshell resting on my mons (the fleshy mound above my vulva). If you get one of these babies I definitely suggest you play around and find what works best for you. The only complaint I had about it at this point was that the lube and toy were cold and they’re not going to warm up when just lapping at my clit. In the winter this totally sucks. I wish there was a way to easily and safely warm up the lube and keep it warm throughout the experience.

The whole time I was playing with it I was cooing and talking about how surprised I was that I liked this toy this much. My wife just had to try it herself. So she gave it a go. As you may have seen me tweet, she said “It feels like its punching my clit, but in a good way.” She enjoyed the sensation quite a bit as well, but said she would’ve liked it to have more power. In the end it just left her wanting more. Really, it was the same for me as well, but that wasn’t a negative point for me like it was for her. The Hitachi was then broken out for finishing the job that the Sqweel had started.

Trial #2 had me sitting in my office chair while I watched Frisk Me on my computer (OMG the hotness that is Satine Phoenix and Syd Blakovich). The Sqweel really didn’t work out at all for this type of masturbation. I thought it would be great to have that slow build while I watched porn, after all I’m in it for the long haul, not the quickie. But it turns out that it is extremely difficult to use the Sqweel while sitting upright. The issue is that it is too difficult to spread my labia so that the toy can get to my clit. Even while reclining slightly I found it very difficult. The only way that it worked was with one foot up on my desk, which was difficult. I’m sure it would be easier in the summer when I can just hang out pantsless with my feet spread on either side of my desk, but in the winter it is no small feat to keep my Slanket on and do this at the same time. Yes, I have a Slanket, shut up. Its wicked better than the Snuggie, but I don’t think either really lend themselves to masturbation.

So trial #2 was a fail, but I am not giving up on this toy because, as I already said, I really, really like it.  I have a feeling that this toy is actually going to be one I use often and not just try out for a review and then toss into my big pile of unused sex toys in my bottom dresser drawer.

Some things to keep in mind with this toy:

• It takes up a lot of room on your vulva so trying to get a dildo in your vagina while having this thing lapping at your clit is going to be difficult, although not completely impossible.
• The tongues are silicone, but the rest of the toy is plastic which means that you cannot share this with anyone unless you are fluid bonded.
• To clean this toy you can take it a part and clean the tongues with a bleach solution, anti-bacterial toy cleaner, or soap and water. The clamshell is not waterproof and therefore should be wiped down with a soapy washcloth or toy wipes.
• The motor makes a bit of a whirring sound, but you can barely hear it if it is under blankets.
• The tongues are silicone and therefore will attract dust and cat fur like crazy. Luckily the toy comes with a lid so you don’t have to clean it again when you get back from the bathroom.
• Experiment with different positions and body parts. This toy will feel really different going in different directions.
• If vibrators often leave your clit numb, this may be a good option for you.
• If you need a jackhammer to get off, this toy is not going to make you orgasm, but it may feel very pleasant.

If you’re interested in buying a Sqweel you can get it here.

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