The Elusive Female Orgasm


You may have had similar questions in the past, so I’m sorry if this is redundant. I have extreme difficulty achieving orgasm.  I’ve been masturbating for as long as I can remember, and I’ve had maybe one orgasm ever, about a week or two ago.  I’m not even totally sure if I actually came or not, but it took more work than it was worth, and quite a few props – auto-erotic shibari, a lot of porn, a lot of fanvids of characters I fancy, and about an hour and a half of stimulation starting with my hands and leading up to a vibrator and a dildo.  More of an involved process than I generally have the time or energy for. I’ve tried damn near everything I can think of, and haven’t really had much success.  I enjoy sex but I just don’t come.  It’s rather frustrating, both for me and for my sexual partners.  Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.

PS: I’m 22, queer, and may have mild Aspergers, if any of that makes a difference.

Your Aspergers may have an affect, but unfortunately I do not know enough about the topic to say much. The only things that come to mind would be having to do with hypersensitivity or the opposite, being under sensitive, or any medications that you may be on that could be affecting libido, blood flow, or brain chemistry. I definitely recommend talking to a medical professional that you’re comfortable with about how the two things may intertwine. If you don’t know of any, you may be able to get a referral from a local women’s clinic or Planned Parenthood.

A lot of women have difficulty achieving orgasm, many still haven’t been able to have one at all. You sound like you at least know what turns you on, which definitely helps the situation. You’re not starting from square one.

One of the things that I find helps a lot of women who are pre-orgasmic or who have a difficult time achieving orgasm is showing them the chart that goes along with the Sexual Response Cycle developed by Masters and Johnson. I drew this myself so no laughing at my horrible creative abilities.

The plateau phase is where a lot of women get stuck and everyone’s plateau phase has a different length. Some women may have a barely noticeable plateau phase, tipping over into orgasm almost immediately. Other women may have a plateau phase that lasts what seems like forever, or actually never does end. This is where women tend to feel frustrated, trying to figure out what is going to tip them over the edge to the orgasm phase. But the good news at least is that if you’re getting yourself into the plateau phase you’re actually getting yourself close.

So what are some options to try to get you to tip over into the orgasm phase?

  • Indirect clitoral stimulation: A lot of women find that their clitoris becomes over stimulated and either hurts when touched or becomes numb. Try rubbing over the hood or actually not going towards the clit at all. Rub the fleshy part above your vulva (called the mons pubis -its usually where the majority of pubic hair grows) and try playing with (ie rubbing, light tugging, even soft tickles) of your inner and outer labia.
  • Breathe! When people have sex or masturbate they often forget to breathe. Oxygen is your friend and can really help you to relax and achieve orgasm more easily. Focus on your breathing and even time it along with the next suggestion.
  • Squeeze your PC muscles: Kegel exercises are super important to your overall reproductive health and the most fun way to do them is when you’re masturbating. Just think about it. These muscles are the ones that bring you to orgasm, so warming them up while you masturbate is a great way to get them going. Squeeze and release, squeeze and release. Try syncing your breathing up so that you breathe in as you squeeze and breathe out as you release. Having something in your vagina to grip onto while you do these can also help.
  • Vibrators: Who said diamonds are a girl’s best friend? They obviously knew nothing about vibrators. You said you’ve been using one, but there are a lot of different kinds out there. If your clit is really sensitive, try a vibe that has a low intensity or something that kind of tickles your clit. If you have a clit that likes to disappear right before the moment of orgasm (many women’s clits actually retreat a bit right before orgasm, causing lots of frustration) something that can vibrate deeply may be the answer.
  • Fantasy: You’ve pretty much gotten this one down. But for anyone else who may be reading this and having trouble: coming up with fantasies, reading erotica, or watching porn can be the thing that just sends you over the edge into orgasm. For some, masturbating on a webcam might even help. Knowing someone else is out there getting off on you can really get your arousal rates up. Fantasy can also help to keep the day-to-day mundane things out of your mind while you do the deed.
  • Lube: Lube makes everything better. Friction caused by not enough moisture can make things uncomfy. Lube is a great way to keep it all slick and luxurious feeling.
  • Don’t give up, but don’t stress yourself out either. It can be really difficult, but try not to get too upset if it doesn’t happen right away. Experimenting and trying to enjoy the sensations for what they are can go a long way towards eventually reaching orgasm.

For more info on female orgasm I highly recommend reading I Love Female Orgasm.

Also, I can’t technically tell you to do this, but taking one or two hits of pot has been known to help pre-orgasmic women reach orgasm. It helps for relaxation purposes, allowing you to put other things out of your mind, as well as increasing physical sensation levels (more info).

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