The Pain of Losing a Friend

I have this friend. We’ve never been super duper close, but I’ve always thought very fondly of her. When we first met in person around 7 years ago I fell madly in puppy dog love with her. I was 21 and full of immaturity and didn’t understand why we couldn’t be together. I seemed to be doing a lot of that around that age. We lived many states apart and I just wasn’t her type. Heck now that I’m the age she was back then I can understand where she was coming from. I was full of jealousy and it put a schism in our friendship. Many years later I apologized to her for my actions and she forgave me.

In all the time I’ve known her no matter how much we were or weren’t in touch with each other, I always cared deeply for her. And I probably always will. She’s just the kind of person that people tend to be drawn to. People want to be around her. She’s always been a good person with a big loving heart.

Things have changed for her recently. She has been very vulnerable. Her bff broke her trust severely in ways you can’t even imagine. And that was hardly the only thing that took a turn for the worse at this point in her life. She was going through hell. She tried to kill herself. And since then she has been slowly rebuilding her life. When people go through these crazy things and are really vulnerable they’re more susceptible to finding different ways to find happiness. Its kind of like trying to start from scratch. A lot of times, this is when people turn to god. This is what she has done.

Now, I want to say that I have never had and never will have a problem with religion. You can believe whatever you want to believe and do whatever you want to do as long as you’re not hurting anyone else. But when I say “hurt” I also include hate in that. When anyone teaches hate, they hurt themselves and others. That has always been my mantra. I am an atheist, but I’ve never been one to push my beliefs (or lack of belief) on anyone else and I prefer others to not push theirs on me either.

This friend of mine recently posted on her public blog that she no longer supports same-sex marriage. She now believes in marriage between one man and one woman. She has also decided to denounce her queer identity. To see her say such things hurt and angered me. I had to hear it from her directly so I messaged her asking if she did not support my relationship. She responded by saying that while she did not support same-sex marriage (notice how she refuses to make it personal), she supports my happiness.

I have to ask, how can someone possibly support my happiness without supporting my relationship? That’s like saying that you want someone to have a nourished, healthy body, but then saying that you think it is wrong of them to use their teeth to chew their food. Sure, there are things that you could eat that don’t require chewing, but its going to be pretty difficult eating healthfully if you can’t chew. I love my wife. She is an enormous part of my life. Could I live with out her? Yeah, probably. Could I be happy? Not for a very long time and I’m not sure that I would ever find that kind of happiness again. It would be different if our relationship turned sour, but at least for right now and for the past several years, she has been an amazing addition to my life. I do not want to imagine a life without her.

I wanted to say all of this to her and more, but the thing is that she used to be queer. She knows all the arguments. She knows that I’ll bring up the hospital visitation rights and the ability to care for each other easily. She knows all that stuff because she used to be on our side. And yet, it doesn’t matter to her apparently. But I needed to say it somewhere so I’m saying it here. Its a cathartic release for me.

She also said that she does not support most straight marriages just as she didn’t before. I’m not sure that she realizes the hypocrisy in this statement. Heterosexual marriages get to be judged on a case by case basis, but my marriage, no matter how loving and healthy, gets tossed out immediately because we’re both women.

I’ve been spending the past few days just going through so many emotions because of her change. And not being even that close means that most people don’t really understand why I’m so upset about it. Luckily, I’ve had several mutual friends/acquaintances to commiserate with. She touched a lot of us in the community I met her through. And we’re all left wondering if she is going to demand a removal from that community (the religious tend to not like porn).

Last night when talking with a mutual friend he said something along the lines of “Its just such a shock. She seemed like the kind of girl who would give up breathing rather than become anti-gay and turn straight.” So true.

The hurt, anger, and sadness are all there. I’ve always felt that I cannot be friends with anyone who does not support my relationship. I don’t want to give up on her, but I don’t know what to do.