April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and part of awareness is sharing your story. I’ve seen a lot of brave people share their stories of sexual assault so I thought I would share mine as well.
I have 3 stories. None of which are the typical stories of assault you hear about. I was not brutalized and I was not outright raped. But I’ve been made to feel extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable in many different ways. The point of this is not to try to compare my stories to others, but to show that there are all kinds of sexual assault going on and that most women have encountered it. I’m not going to argue about my experiences and what they should be or shouldn’t be called. And any comments that I find to be out of line will be deleted. I will not tolerate it.
The first time was when I was 16. I had had a boyfriend who was 19. We’ll call him M. We met at Rocky Horror Picture Show (RHPS). At the time of this story we had broken up but would still sometimes hang out as friends at RHPS. On this night we had been making out at the theater. He offered to drive me and my friend home. We’ll call my friend J. I had planned to sleep over at J’s house that night. We invited M in and were all hanging out together when it started to rain. The windshield wipers on his car didn’t work so he couldn’t go anywhere. We all went to bed together in a big bed. M and I were still kissing a bit, but after a few minutes I told him we should stop. I was trying to respect my friend who was in the same bed with us. I didn’t think it would really be appropriate for us to mess around with her right there.
Apparently they didn’t feel the same way though. When he rolled off of me, he rolled between me and J and she grabbed him and started to make out. Except they didn’t just make out. They had sex. In the same bed as I was. My exbf lost his virginity that night to J. I didn’t know what to do. I was a pretty innocent naïve teen. I froze. The whole time knowing and feeling them having sex next to me. They supposedly thought I was asleep. Although I’m not sure how they could’ve thought that. In fact I barely slept at all that night. The next morning M had to drive me home so I acted like nothing had happened, but when I got out of the car I told him to never contact me again. I also later told J that I no longer wanted her friendship. I was devastated.
And to add insult to injury J later wrote me a long letter telling me that everything was my fault. I had been such a cock tease that night and she was just giving M what he wanted. She was giving him what I should have given him.
Story #2: I am 18 and in community college. At this point in my life I’ve fooled around with boys and girls quite a bit, but I’ve only had penis in vagina intercourse once. There was this very charming suave guy in my chemistry class. He spent quite a bit of time in class flirting with me until I agreed to hang out with him. He made me feel so sexy and desired, which is a feeling I longed for. He purred when we’d mess around which was ridiculously arousing. We messed around a lot. I didn’t touch him much because I was pretty inexperienced and was insecure about not doing the right things. But he spent a lot of time exploring my body and making me feel good.
At one point we were in my mom’s house and he was finger fucking me from behind in the bathroom. It felt amazing and I was clutching onto the bathroom wall. He had asked me many times before if he could stick his dick in me and I always told him no. I was not ready. This time he did not ask. He just did it. In fact the way he did it was like he was trying to trick me into thinking he was still fucking me with his fingers. I’m not an idiot. Even though I’d only had one dick in me once before I knew right away. I told him to stop. He did and he continued to finger fuck me. He then stuck his dick in me again. I got pissed at him. He laughed. He thought it was so funny. I kicked him out of the house and we never hung out again.
After he left I went to the bathroom and found that my vulva was covered in a brown dirt. I didn’t know what it was, but I tried to clean up as best I could. I got a yeast infection days later.
A few months went by and I was sitting in the cafeteria with some friends discussing our sex lives. At this point I had started having intercourse regularly. He came by and talked about how hot my virginal pussy was. How I’d probably spoiled it now that I’d fucked other guys.
Story #3: In this story I am freshly 21. I went to a house party with a guy friend. We’ll call him F. We knew no one there. I’m not even sure how we ended up at this party in the way out suburbs. But we did. There was a lot of drinking going on. F got super trashed. There are a lot of things about that night that he still does not remember. I had been drinking too, but not as much.
There was a guy there. I don’t even remember his name, but we’ll call him X. X was engaged and his fiance was at the party. But that didn’t matter to X. When he saw me he knew he wanted me and nothing was going to stand in his way. He spent the entire night walking in on me every time I’d go to the bathroom (there was no lock on the door and I had to start enlisting people to keep watch) and he kept coming up to me to touch me inappropriately or say something very inappropriate to me. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and angry. I started yelling at him every time he would do any of these things, but that did not deter him. In fact he had teamed up with a buddy of his. The buddy was supposed to play the nice guy. The one who was apologizing and trying to win me over. He was there to reassure me that his friend wasn’t normally like this, but that he would protect me.
Thank god a friend of mine showed up to the party late enough that he remained sober enough to overhear what happened next and then to drive me home. I went to the bathroom and he overheard X, Mr. Nice Guy, and some other guy talking about slipping something in my drink. Once I heard that we got the hell out of there.
I have been extremely lucky. Any one of these situations could have been a lot worse than they were. I can thank my friends for being there when I needed them and I can thank my strong character. But mostly, it’s luck.
If you want to read other people’s stories I suggest checking out the following:
- Fighting Ableism Fights Sexual Assault (stay tuned to Feministe all month long for more stories)
- Essin’Em – The Story of My Assault
- Britni’s Shameless- One Year: The Story of My Rape
If you know of others or want to share your own please post in the comments.
Sexual assault occurs in many ways, and affects each of us differently. Don’t ever let anyone try to un-validate what you felt or are feeling. I’m so sorry that you ever had to go through these circumstances, and I thank you for sharing them with us, and taking a stand against sexual assault, harassment, rape, and more that seem to be bred into our society’s way of thinking.
These are terrible, traumatizing experiences and I’m sorry that you had to endure them. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that your experiences don’t “qualify” as sexual assault.
I’m sorry that you had to go through these things. I hate how judgmental people are about what “qualifies” as sexual assault and what doesn’t. Your reaction to it, and the way it affected you is enough for anyone to realize that what happened to you was real and wrong and traumatic. Thank you for being strong enough to share this with us. You’re amazing. <3
i was 17 the first time i had sex. i’ll call him A. A and i went to the same high school but i never saw him much. we officially met at a course we were both taking at a college in the summer. he came over to my house one friday after class and we chatted by the pool. monday i didnt see him. tuesday he came over and we chatted by the pool again, for hours, except flirting took place. we ended up making out. wednesday is when it happened. long story short, we began making out and i decided that foreplay could take place. i didnt expect him to go any further, till he showed me the condom. i told him i didnt want to sleep with him cuz i didnt love him. apparently that doesnt matter anymore. he slipped the condom on, and i thought he was doing it, for protective reasons(keeping precum away from my vagina). BOY was i wrong. he began by fingering me and then all of a sudden i feel him inside me. he didnt even ask. but i let him continue. i expressed my supprise at letting him take my virginity, but he told me that it ‘really wasnt that big of a deal.
part 2: one night A and i went out and bought Sky vodka. my tolerance for booze is still pretty low, and to make things worse, we were doing STRAIGHT vodka shots. so after a few shots i was WASTED. i remember making out with him in his yard. i remember seeing stairs. after that, i dont remember a thing. i just remember waking up in his shower, with my bra on, hiding my face in my hands. i remember getting out of the shower, him throwing my panties at me and telling me to put them on. my crotch was on FIRE and i asked him “did we have sex”, in a slured voice, and he replied “yes”. i then remember trying to put my clothes on and asking him again and in an irritated voice he replied “yes. why do u keep asking”. after that my memory goes in and out. i remember him walking me home and then leaving. im still not sure what to call what happened that night.
i came over there with the intention of having sex, yet i was too drunk and did not consent. some people tell me its technical rape, but if i start to think of it as that, i start to think of myself as a rape victim and i get all emotional. but yeah, just thought id share my story. ive had other situations where ive felt like ive been used. but none of the 4 guys ive slept with made me feel like that.