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Sexuality is an extremely complex thing that we try so hard to define in one or two word answers. But it’s just not that easy. There is who you are attracted to, what you are attracted to, what turns you on, what you fantasize about, what you wish didn’t turn you on, who you become romantically interested in, how high or low your libido is, how you achieve intimacy, how many partners you prefer to have, how your body responds or does not respond, etc etc etc. And unfortunately, most of us are not taught to explore what our sexuality is beyond straight/gay/bisexual or kinky/vanilla. And some people don’t even get that much exploration.
So I’m curious, how do you identify? What makes up your sexuality? Do you just choose to use simple words or do you feel that your sexuality is more complex and maybe even fluid? Have you not given it a whole lot of thought? Why not?
Leave me a comment letting me know exactly how you currently identify and maybe even the path in which you’ve traveled to reach your sexual identity. To make the deal a little sweeter I’ll throw in a copy of Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality. One of you will be chosen at random to win this sexy DVD which I reviewed a couple months ago. The DVD is provided by Good Vibrations, but unfortunately does not have the DVD case, just a paper sleeve. But really, you just want the porn anyway. Who needs a case?
You know what? Lets make this deal even sweeter. The second runner up will receive a free hour of video on demand porn from HotMoviesForHer. Yeah, I just decided that right now. That’s how I roll.
For more ways to enter check out Mistress Kay’s blog. She’s the one who motivated me to throw together this contest anyway. In her contest post she also explores what her sexual identity is and what it means to her. So what are you waiting for? Enter!
Or stick around and read about how I define my sexuality and then enter. Either way.
Like I said earlier, sexuality is complex and mine is no different. In fact my sexuality has often frustrated me. You see I’m more physically attracted to women, but more emotionally attracted to men. This has often made relationships difficult for me since I often fell in love with men, but was more attracted to women. At one point I was completely madly in love with a man but when we’d have sex I’d sometimes lick his perineum like it was a clit and finger his asshole like it was a vagina. He never seemed to mind, but I don’t think he really knew what was going through my head anyway.
Don’t get me wrong though. I love having sex with both men and women. And in fact, often enjoyed having sex with men more. I blame this on the fact that I just had so many more male partners than female ones. When you have a bigger pot you’re picking from you’ll probably get more fantastic lovers … as well as awful ones.
For a very long time I was only attracted to people with pretty standard gender presentations. I didn’t really understand being attracted to people who defied gender norms until a)I became a gender and women’s studies major and b)I met my wife. Both opened my mind a whole bunch and led me to change my orientation label from bisexual to queer. I love the word queer because it is all encompassing. Now I tend to be attracted to a lot of different gender representations. I even often find that when people play with gender it’s fucking hot. I’m really only not attracted to douchebags and sorority girls. And yes, I actually think of those as gender identities even if they don’t. It makes sense to me.
On the spectrum of monogamy and non-monogamy I’m not really sure where I’m at. I’ve always tended towards monogamy in my serious relationships, but my relationships have often been very short lived. Now I find myself in a marriage with a woman I have been with for almost 4 years. That’s a long time. So we plan to explore. I figure that infidelity ruins a lot of relationships and I don’t want it to ruin mine. It just seems so unlikely to expect someone to be able to remain completely faithful for such a long time. I prefer to avoid that all together by opening things up and creating that trust.
My turn ons are things that I am not supposed to be turned on by. That’s what really gets me going. I like inappropriateness. If I’m supposed to be somewhere else, if I should be doing something else, if the location is all wrong, if it’s really really bad porn, or a stranger I don’t even find attractive whose body is pressed up against mine in a crowded train. All of these things make my genitals tingle probably because I keep yelling at them in my head to stop.
I’m also really turned on by seeing other people turned on. It doesn’t tend to matter who it is. I just love to see the look of ecstasy on people’s faces. Mix this with inappropriateness and we have a whole new game of awful things to be turned on by. You have no idea.
I’m turned on by sex toys, Old Spice deodorant, necking, big round booties, suggestive visuals, laughing, feeling powerful, the way different fabrics feel on my naked body, intelligence, longing, playfulness, flirting with cute strangers, being seduced, dorkyness, trashy boys, and androgyny.
I don’t tend to consider myself to be kinky, but am open to kinkiness in general and have participated in many acts that are far from vanilla. I have no interest in group sex as I prefer to focus my attention on one person at a time.
I have chronic pain that interferes with my sex life a great deal. At the top of that list is having arthritis in my hands and wrists. This can make sex very difficult especially on days with lots of pain. Luckily for me, I have a very understanding partner who doesn’t need a whole lot of warming up and doesn’t mind finishing herself off.
So that’s just the tip of the iceberg with me. How about you? You don’t have to go into the detail that I did if you don’t want to.
Oh and the rules:
- contest ends at 11:59PM CST on 6/6/10
- winners will be picked at random
- leave a comment here telling me how you define your sexuality
- leave a comment on Mistress Kay’s blog telling her why you want the DVD
- Tweet up to twice per week (on different days) mentioning the contest with a link to either mine or Mistress Kay’s blog as well as an @ on one of us (I’m GarnetJoyce and she’s mistress_kay). If you tweet more than this you will have points deducted for being annoying.
Get crackin!
EDIT: Apparently comments have been getting caught by my spam filter. If this happens, just send me an email with your comment and I’ll post it myself. I will look into fixing this, but it may be difficult since I get a TON of spam and I don’t want to turn anything off.
This comment is from Fae Teardrop, but it was getting caught in spam:
i identify as pansexual. i find this is a much more honest term than jus bisexual. pansexuality allows for the big spectrum that is everyone’s gender and sexuality and the fluid way a person’s gender/sexuality can change throughout their life. i have found that i can be attracted to anyone, no matter their gender or sexuality, it’s more their personality or ‘soul’ that attracts me
Here is a comment left by namelesschaos that was getting caught in my spam filter.
My sexuality, I’m still learning and exploring but at this point and time I consider myself to be a cis-gendered male, heteroflexable , kinky, and a switch. Unlike Garnet I’m extremely interested I group sex, although I’ve never had a group sex experience…yet. On the monogamy non- monogamy spectrum; right now I would prefer I sexual open relationship, there are just so many things I want to explore sexual, although emotionally I prefer to focus my attentions on one person.
It really depends on the day. I’m predominantly femme, almost to a hyper-femme level but I occasionally like to rock my androgyny. I’m a queer and I gravitate towards other queers. I’m pansexual but I also love the term pomosexual. Fluid certainly works, too. I don’t care how you identify as long as there are fireworks, basically. I’m a switch and I’m kinky as hell, but that said, I’m pretty vanilla looking on the outside. You usually can’t tell I’m kinky until I’m pulling out a crop or donning a strap-on. I’m emotionally monogamous but I look forward to a life of sharing a multitude of sexual experiences with my partner and others, together or apart.
So far, we both identify with heterosexual switches, but that’s about it. Sexuality seems to be an evolving things for us, and there’s always something, some situation, some person, that can blow all of the pre-formed notions out of the water.
I came out to my parents the spring of/summer after my freshman year of high school, about 4 years ago. I don’t remember the date because it doesn’t matter, but it was around this time of year. I came out to my mom first and then my dad, and came out as bisexual. My mom thought – and said directly to me – that it was a phase, and all of the other usual “that can’t be true” stuff. She’s tried to be supportive and has borrowed/bought books about having a LGBTQ kid. She’s pretty awesome. Sometimes she asks me questions which are mostly just annoying and it feels like an invasion of my privacy although I know she doesn’t mean it. She often asks about gender identity – “so, you’re exploring your gender identity?” but I’m not sure she knows the definition. Back on track, though. I came out as bi, and something I told her later on made her think I was a lesbian, and at that point, I wasn’t sure. When describing stuff, I tend to use the term queer… I think it’s more encompassing and can “describe” more people, or have more people identify with it. It’s less… constricting. Recently I’ve been thinking about what pansexual “is” and I believe that is the most open identity that I can really feel and identify with. So basically? I don’t want to say to myself “this is what I am” and limit who I’d “let” myself date regardless of if they’re really attractive to me. I do think that sexuality can be very very fluid, but not always. I think that some people have sexuality that is super fluid, but some people are more like rocks. A lot of pressure heat will turn a rock into lava, as compared to an ice cube melting into water. Ice cubes melting is a lot easier than rocks being lava. As far as who I’m attracted to… eh. Whatever. Anyone who’s nice and smart and a friend risks me having a giant crush on them.
i identify as queer. it encompasses what i want to express when i tell someone what my sexuality is: it’s ambiguous, it’s political, and it’s not straight. for me, a label isn’t the end: it’s an invitation for further dialogue. i’m not really sure what my sexuality is: i’ve been attracted to men, genderqueers, transmen… sometimes i wonder if i’m androsexual – attracted to a masculine presentation regardless of the plumbing – but i’m still not quite sure.
I’ve begun identifying myself as queer because I really feel its the all encompassing term that I need. I’m attracted to people of all identities: men, women, transmen, genderqueer individuals – I just like people. My sexuality is constantly evolving and that’s the way I like it.
How I define my sexuality sort of changes depending on who I’m talking to or how I’m feeling. I think that I, too, am more emotionally attracted to men but more physically attracted to women. Generally I just go with “queer,” because it is nice and vague and all-encompassing. When I’m feeling political I go with “bisexual.” For some reason “pansexual” has never appealed to me – not because I don’t like people across the gender spectrum, but probably because it reminds me of the little goat guy with pipes. Maybe “omnisexual”? :) I sometimes describe myself as a ladyfag, which is a bit harder to explain, but I feel like it fits me. I’m femme-y in presentation and tend to identify much more strongly with queer men than with queer women – not sure why that is. I’m kink-curious (haven’t done too much exploring but I’d like to) and usually something of a power bottom (i.e. I’m demanding about being submissive). Right now I’m non-monogamous, though that could change.
I hate labels. I used to go with “dyke in a dress” and I’d like to stick with it, but now that I’m sleeping with men as well, I tend to identify as queer, or homoflexible. I prefer the term queer though, because of the ugliness of the term homoflexible, and the connotations of the term queer. Ignoring my first sentence entirely, I’m also a femme and a masochist. I like the term masochist, but hate the term femme. I can rant and rave for ages about how I don’t want to fit myself into another binary, but that’s a topic for a whole other day.
You know, I’ve come to accept my sexuality as beautifully complex. The short answer is I’m kinky. If pressed, I usually go with heteroflexibly kinky, but that just doesn’t cover it. Kink does come first, always has, always will (my first sex dreams were gender-neutral and kink-heavy) and in the kink world I mostly identify as submissive. Which again isn’t completely covering it. I’m mostly submissive and mostly to guys, unless I’m dominant, which is mostly towards girls, except when the right person (or the right moment) comes along to blur the lines. Since I’m much more often submissive then dominant, I go for men more often than for women. Which is weird even to me because both physically and emotionally I’m more attracted to girls and always have been. I’ve often thought that if I could plan it, I’d choose a female submissive life partner and a male dominant play partner, and that combination should cover most bases. But of course things never happen as planned, which is why my life partner is a bi switch male. Isn’t life fun?
Anyway, in the end of the day, I’m kinky and (with the right kinky partner) gender doesn’t really play any role in the equation. Except thst sometimes it does of course, just so that things don’t get boring. It’s all beautifully complicated really and I wouldn’t have it any other way.