Q: You may have already seen this, but I thought you might be interested in this article on a female condom that is meant to fight rape. I wondered what your opinion on it was (would it actually help stop/prevent rape?, etc), or thought that maybe you would like to blog about [...]]]>

Image from CNN article

Q: You may have already seen this, but I thought you might be interested in this article on a female condom that is meant to fight rape. I wondered what your opinion on it was (would it actually help stop/prevent rape?, etc), or thought that maybe you would like to blog about it (or at least pass the link around).

I have heard of the anti-rape condom before. It actually first surfaced under a slightly different name a few years ago. Then it was called Rapex and now it’s Rape-aXe. And believe me I have a lot of feelings about it. I want to preface this though with the fact that I know nothing about South African culture or any other cultures in Africa. I cannot even pretend to begin to know what is going on over there.

That being said, I have to say that this is not treating the problem at all. It’s another case of the victims having to protect themselves by changing their behaviors instead of getting to the root of the problem. The people who need to change their behaviors are the rapists. They need to stop raping and not because they’re afraid that there might be teeth in a woman’s vagina. Instead, we need wide spread social change that creates an environment of respect for women and autonomy over their own sexuality and bodies. Rape-aXe is something that may or may not help in the short term, but it does nothing to effect the long term issues surrounding rape. I found it interesting that the creator said “Yes, my device may be a medieval, but it’s for a medieval deed that has been around for decades.” This evil deed has been around since before medieval times. In fact, it’s pretty much been around since the beginning of time, not decades but millennia. That is seriously long term and we need to think in those terms.

Let us address the short term though. One side effect I see of this toothy condom is more violence. A man who has just raped a woman and had a sharp object embedded into his penis is probably extremely likely to lash out at the woman who was wearing it. And what about a woman who is gang raped? That is going to spell out even more violence for her. The rapists will probably beat her more severely than they would have.

Also, there is more than one way to rape a person. It does not always involve penis in vagina. It could involve an ass, a mouth, and/or other insertable objects besides a penis. In fact, why not just shove a broom handle or something up there first to make sure she’s not packing a Rape-aXe?

They say that this would help with rape convictions because a medical doctor has to remove the condom. How long until there is an underground removal service? Just because only doctors can remove them now doesn’t mean that they will always be the only ones to be able to do it.

I also worry that it will hinder rape convictions if a woman isn’t wearing it. I can imagine it now. They accuse her of wanting it because she wasn’t wearing a Rape-aXe.

Also, this condom doesn’t actually prevent sexual assault. It just latches on to a rapist’s penis after the sexual assault has already begun. Will it prevent rape if rapists think that women are wearing them? Well, do the sponges with razorblades prevent anything?

However, I do not fault women for wanting to wear this to help protect themselves. It has to be better than shoving a sponge filled with razorblades into your vagina. That just sounds like a horrible idea. Although, at $2 a pop this may not be within most poor women’s means. And lets face  it, the poorer you are the more likely you are to get raped and the less likely your rapist will be convicted. But there’s a desperation there obviously because the rape rates are so extremely high in South Africa.

There just has to be a better way. We need to treat the disease, not the symptom. Women’s rights are human rights.

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This post, Rape-aXe, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 06/25/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Rape-aXe. Thanks for visiting!
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I have 3 stories. None of which are the typical stories of assault you hear about. I was not brutalized and [...]]]> April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and part of awareness is sharing your story. I’ve seen a lot of brave people share their stories of sexual assault so I thought I would share mine as well.

I have 3 stories. None of which are the typical stories of assault you hear about. I was not brutalized and I was not outright raped. But I’ve been made to feel extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable in many different ways. The point of this is not to try to compare my stories to others, but to show that there are all kinds of sexual assault going on and that most women have encountered it. I’m not going to argue about my experiences and what they should be or shouldn’t be called. And any comments that I find to be out of line will be deleted. I will not tolerate it.

The first time was when I was 16. I had had a boyfriend who was 19. We’ll call him M. We met at Rocky Horror Picture Show (RHPS). At the time of this story we had broken up but would still sometimes hang out as friends at RHPS. On this night we had been making out at the theater. He offered to drive me and my friend home. We’ll call my friend J. I had planned to sleep over at J’s house that night. We invited M in and were all hanging out together when it started to rain. The windshield wipers on his car didn’t work so he couldn’t go anywhere. We all went to bed together in a big bed. M and I were still kissing a bit, but after a few minutes I told him we should stop. I was trying to respect my friend who was in the same bed with us. I didn’t think it would really be appropriate for us to mess around with her right there.

Apparently they didn’t feel the same way though. When he rolled off of me, he rolled between me and J and she grabbed him and started to make out. Except they didn’t just make out. They had sex. In the same bed as I was. My exbf lost his virginity that night to J. I didn’t know what to do. I was a pretty innocent naïve teen. I froze. The whole time knowing and feeling them having sex next to me. They supposedly thought I was asleep. Although I’m not sure how they could’ve thought that. In fact I barely slept at all that night. The next morning M had to drive me home so I acted like nothing had happened, but when I got out of the car I told him to never contact me again. I also later told J that I no longer wanted her friendship. I was devastated.

And to add insult to injury J later wrote me a long letter telling me that everything was my fault. I had been such a cock tease that night and she was just giving M what he wanted. She was giving him what I should have given him.

Story #2: I am 18 and in community college. At this point in my life I’ve fooled around with boys and girls quite a bit, but I’ve only had penis in vagina intercourse once. There was this very charming suave guy in my chemistry class. He spent quite a bit of time in class flirting with me until I agreed to hang out with him. He made me feel so sexy and desired, which is a feeling I longed for. He purred when we’d mess around which was ridiculously arousing. We messed around a lot. I didn’t touch him much because I was pretty inexperienced and was insecure about not doing the right things. But he spent a lot of time exploring my body and making me feel good.

At one point we were in my mom’s house and he was finger fucking me from behind in the bathroom. It felt amazing and I was clutching onto the bathroom wall. He had asked me many times before if he could stick his dick in me and I always told him no. I was not ready. This time he did not ask. He just did it. In fact the way he did it was like he was trying to trick me into thinking he was still fucking me with his fingers. I’m not an idiot. Even though I’d only had one dick in me once before I knew right away. I told him to stop. He did and he continued to finger fuck me. He then stuck his dick in me again. I got pissed at him. He laughed. He thought it was so funny. I kicked him out of the house and we never hung out again.

After he left I went to the bathroom and found that my vulva was covered in a brown dirt. I didn’t know what it was, but I tried to clean up as best I could. I got a yeast infection days later.

A few months went by and I was sitting in the cafeteria with some friends discussing our sex lives. At this point I had started having intercourse regularly. He came by and talked about how hot my virginal pussy was. How I’d probably spoiled it now that I’d fucked other guys.

Story #3: In this story I am freshly 21. I went to a house party with a guy friend. We’ll call him F. We knew no one there. I’m not even sure how we ended up at this party in the way out suburbs. But we did. There was a lot of drinking going on. F got super trashed. There are a lot of things about that night that he still does not remember. I had been drinking too, but not as much.

There was a guy there. I don’t even remember his name, but we’ll call him X. X was engaged and his fiance was at the party. But that didn’t matter to X. When he saw me he knew he wanted me and nothing was going to stand in his way. He spent the entire night walking in on me every time I’d go to the bathroom (there was no lock on the door and I had to start enlisting people to keep watch) and he kept coming up to me to touch me inappropriately or say something very inappropriate to me. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and angry. I started yelling at him every time he would do any of these things, but that did not deter him. In fact he had teamed up with a buddy of his. The buddy was supposed to play the nice guy. The one who was apologizing and trying to win me over. He was there to reassure me that his friend wasn’t normally like this, but that he would protect me.

Thank god a friend of mine showed up to the party late enough that he remained sober enough to overhear what happened next and then to drive me home. I went to the bathroom and he overheard X, Mr. Nice Guy, and some other guy talking about slipping something in my drink. Once I heard that we got the hell out of there.

I have been extremely lucky. Any one of these situations could have been a lot worse than they were. I can thank my friends for being there when I needed them and I can thank my strong character. But mostly, it’s luck.

If you want to read other people’s stories I suggest checking out the following:

• Fighting Ableism Fights Sexual Assault (stay tuned to Feministe all month long for more stories)
• Essin’Em – The Story of My Assault
• Britni’s Shameless- One Year: The Story of My Rape

If you know of others or want to share your own please post in the comments.

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This post, Sexual Assault Stories, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 04/06/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Sexual Assault Stories. Thanks for visiting!
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But maybe all this talk has been going a little over your head? [...]]]> So I’ve been bringing up rape and rape culture lately because I loved the book Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape and because Britni has been writing about it lately on her blog. So I’ve been inspired.

But maybe all this talk has been going a little over your head? I’m not being condescending here, I just forget that I have a degree in gender and women’s studies and most of you probably don’t. I may use words and phrases that you don’t know. In a recent blog post Britni alerted me to a great post on Shakesville that describes rape culture rather than just defining it. I recommend checking it out in either spot if you’ve never heard the term before, or even if you have. You might really learn something new.

Because the truth is, we can’t have a sex positive society where everyone is encouraged to express their sexuality openly without changing the culture of rape.

And look forward to more posts by Britni on her blog about rape and rape culture. Its great to see sex bloggers who tackle difficult issues.

Related Posts:
1. But I’m Not a Rapist
2. How to Approach Women Without Being Maced
3. Recommended Reading

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This post, What is Rape Culture?, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 01/05/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: What is Rape Culture?. Thanks for visiting!
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If we’re really interested in curbing prostitution there are other ways to go about it. Decriminalizing the selling of sex, but criminalizing the buying of sex is one big part of that. With a smaller demand, [...]]]> A Canadian study published this month shows a correlation between violence against sex workers and anti-prostitution laws. Read about it here.

If we’re really interested in curbing prostitution there are other ways to go about it. Decriminalizing the selling of sex, but criminalizing the buying of sex is one big part of that. With a smaller demand, there will be a smaller supply. As long as men are willing to pay for prostitutes there will be prostitutes.

Also, having better health care, job training, and general opportunities for women living in poverty would mean women can find other forms of employment where they can actually make a living wage. The study also suggests better violence prevention efforts, policy reforms, and improved access to housing and drug treatment in order to decrease the rates of violence against sex workers.

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This post, Anti-Prostitution Laws and Violence Against Sex Workers, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 08/16/2009. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Anti-Prostitution Laws and Violence Against Sex Workers. Thanks for visiting!
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I’m thankful for sex toys, obviously. Love ‘em!

I’m also always thankful for those who speak out; those who give voice to their pain and oppression. It helps others in those same positions to know that they are not alone and that they too can fight. It is never easy, [...]]]> Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What are you thankful for?

I’m thankful for sex toys, obviously. Love ‘em!

I’m also always thankful for those who speak out; those who give voice to their pain and oppression. It helps others in those same positions to know that they are not alone and that they too can fight. It is never easy, but it is always important. An old friend of mine sent me a link to her blog, Never Another Woman and I found it to be very powerful. She talks about how she was abused by her husband, but not in the ways that we usually think of. When most people think of domestic violence they think of Lifetime movies where the women are physically knocked around and possibly sexually abused as well. This woman was, and many men and women are and were, in a controlling, verbally abusive relationship. She speaks out about how he made her feel worthless and crazy. He made her feel like she was a bad mother and an awful wife. He separated her from all of her support networks so that she had no one to turn to. And because this kind of abuse was psychological in nature, she felt it was all her fault; she felt she deserved it.

But now she is speaking out. She is one small voice on the internet, but she is a powerful one. In telling her story she is able to reach out to many more people who are in the same position and to others who may not know about these kinds of abuse. What she is doing is important and risky.

So pass the link on. Pass on her story. You never know who it might help. She also has links to resources for domestic abuse and even has some forums set up for people to talk about the issues she addresses.

I hope you all have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

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This post, Giving Thanks to the Voices, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 11/27/2008. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Giving Thanks to the Voices. Thanks for visiting!
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