You should subscribe to the RSS feed. Have a question? Ask me anything.Thanks for visiting!
Q: Sooooo my boyfriend and I just tried anal for the first time and I really like it, but every time he starts to pull back I get this sudden, insane urge to pee and have to stop to go pee. Why is that and can I prevent it?
A: Without any more information as to what is happening my best guess would have to be that he is hitting your g-spot perfectly through your rectal wall. This is often the sensation that many women report when they first start exploring g-spot stimulation.
Image from Home Business and Family Life
You’ll notice from this diagram that there is a very thin wall between the vaginal canal and the rectum. It is very easy to stimulate the g-spot, which is on the front wall of the vagina about 2 inches in, through this thin wall if there is nothing obstructing it.
So if you want a quick solution then put something in your vagina like fingers or a sex toy. This will keep him from hitting your g-spot and making you feel like you have to pee. Keep in mind though that there’s only so much space in your pelvic region and you may want to use smaller objects to put inside of your vagina so that you don’t feel like you’re too filled up – unless that’s what you’re going for.
The problem with the quick solution is that a big part of what might be feeling good when you’re having anal sex is the g-spot stimulation. Taking that part away may make the experience less pleasurable. In that case you may want to go for more of a long term solution. It will take more time and patience, but will most likely be worth it in the long run.
This feeling like you have to pee when the g-spot is stimulated actually makes a lot of sense when you understand what the g-spot is. The urethral sponge is what’s actually being hit. This sponge swells when aroused and protects the urethra from getting banged into and damaged. So the spot that’s being stimulated is almost a direct pathway to your urethra and bladder. Hence the need to pee sensation. You may even feel this if your bladder is completely empty. This is just a natural reaction, but no fear, you can learn to bypass the peeing feeling to get just the enjoyment.
However, it takes patience and because of that I highly recommend you lay off the anal intercourse for a bit and instead focus on stimulation with toys or fingers in either your anus or vagina. This way you may be able to concentrate better and you won’t have someone else’s pleasure to think about too.
If it helps to free your mind from the concern of peeing, you may want to go to the bathroom first before you start to play. Although keep in mind that for some people, a completely empty bladder also means that they may not feel the g-spot stimulation as much. Sometimes a bladder that has some urine in it helps to create pressure on the spot as well. Although a full bladder is often just annoying. You can also put a few towels under you if that makes you feel more comfortable.
The goal though is to get past that feeling of having to pee because when we feel like we have to go, but don’t want to we clench our PC muscles which can keep you from having an orgasm. It’s important to learn to relax, breathe, and focus on the stimulation instead of the anxiety. You may find that over time this will help to transform the feelings of g-spot stimulation from “OMG I have to pee!” to “OMG I’m going to cum!.”
If you’re unsure of how to stimulate your g-spot I recommend inserting one or two fingers (either yours or his) into the vagina once you are fully aroused and making a “come hither” motion pointing towards your belly button. You won’t have to go too deep … just a couple of inches should do it. Or you can also use a g-spot toy. If you prefer the feeling of g-spot stimulation through anal play you can do basically the same thing, but if you’re using a toy make sure that it has a flared base on it so it can’t get lost up your butt. And don’t share the toy between your vagina and your ass unless you use condoms or sterilize the toy between orifices.
Q: What would you recommend for a first g spot dildo? I’ve only experimented with bullets before and I don’t like how flimsy they’re built or their lack of power. Any advice would be appreciated.
A: As with any firsts, I tend to recommend that people start on the cheaper side to see if they enjoy the type of stimulation that that particular toy provides, and to learn more about what they really want in a toy of that type. It’s also a good idea to go for something with a lot of versatility so that you can find out for yourself exactly what it is your like and what you don’t like.
The qualities you look for in any g-spot stimulator will be a pronounced curve with which to stimulate the g-spot, and firmness. Most g-spots prefer a firm touch, not a light tickle. But that doesn’t mean you have to start beating at it with steel. A firm silicone should do the job as well.
But I’m a little confused here because you’re asking about dildos and then you mentioned vibrating bullets. Dildos, in general, don’t vibrate. Although, some come with bullets that you can place inside of them so that they do vibrate. If the usual one speed bullet doesn’t do it for you, there is the option of using other bullets that are a similar size. The RO-80mm Bullet Vibe packs a bit more of a punch than the standard bullet that comes with dildos, but it’s still cordless. If you want a vibe that is going to be even stronger you’re going to have to start looking at cords, but I warn you that you should never pull the vibe out of the dildo by it’s cord as that will break it very easily. The Turbo Bullet is a great option for a vibe that will fit in a standard vibe hole in your dildo. It’s a heck of a lot stronger than the standard vibe and has a few different speeds.
G-Spot Dildos
There are a lot of great g-spot dildos on the market and the favorites tend to be pricier, but since we’re just starting out we’re not looking for anything expensive. I suggest you try:
Rose G-Spotter- A glass toy which will give you the pressure your g-spot wants. It has a pronounced curve which will make finding your g-spot easy and a handle so you don’t lose your grip. If it turns out you don’t enjoy g-spot stimulation, you can use the other side as a dildo as well! That’s what I call versatile. And at $38 it’s very affordable. Does not vibrate.
Ella – This is my favorite g-spot dildo. It’s made of a firm silicone and it’s flat head on a curved angle keeps constant contact with your g-spot. A sensation that is unlike most other g-spot toys which just kind of scratch the surface. Plus it’s made by Lelo so you know it’s high quality. You can also use both sides of this toy. I personally find that it’s nice to warm up with the straight end and then get off with the curved side. This one is $44. Does not vibrate.
Gee Whiz – If you already have a Hitachi Magic Wand this may be the perfect option. It’s a silicone g-spot dildo that fits over the head and give you the powerful vibrations that you desire. $50
There are other great g-spot dildos, some that vibrate and some that don’t, but I was trying to stick to $50 or less. So if you’re willing to spend more then great, but for a first time toy, I wouldn’t go crazy.
G-Spot Vibrators
Here are some of the less expensive, but still good quality g-spot vibes on the market that are great for newbies:
Orchid G – This is an insanely popular vibrator, and for good reason. At $22 it won’t break the bank and it works great for internal and external stimulation. If it turns out you don’t like g-spot stimulation from a vibrator, this is great for using clitorally and can be great for partner sex because it easily fits between two people with it’s long handle. It’s hard plastic so it’s not the awesomest of toys and will get louder over time, but it is what it is. Plus, if you want to read up on g-spot stimulation and get this toy you can save by getting the G-spot Kit. With 2 AA batteries, this vibe is relatively strong as well.
Venus - This is a great G-spot vibe if you want a bit softer of a texture than the Orchid G can provide. It says it’s silicone which is probably true, but I doubt it’s a high quality medical grade silicone given the manufacturer. Still, at $30 it’s inexpensive and has variable vibration speeds with a g-spot curve.
Briana – This is a g-spot toy for those who prefer a bit more girth. It’s made out of a softer plastic that is phthalate free, but I’d still recommend using a condom with it since it is porous which means bacteria can harbor in it. The vibrations on this one are a bit rumblier than the other two mentioned. This one is also $22 and totally affordable.
And be sure to use plenty of lube! A thinner lube that glides easily may be your best option. I suggest Sliquid H2O with all toys or Sliquid Silver with non-silicone toys.
Q: My husband went to Walgreens to pick up some condoms. He said he saw VCF there, which he hasn’t seen in a long time. I went to the website because I’ve actually never heard of this film. Nowhere did it have it’s efficacy against pregnancy. It did however say “no birth control is 100% accurate” lol. We’re married and fine if it happens that I get pregnant..and it seems it might be better since we don’t have to stop to put on a condom. Thoughts?
A: For those who do not know, VCF is Vaginal Contraceptive Film. It is a small, thin, transluscent square that a woman inserts inside of her vagina. After about 15 minutes the sheet melts and coats the cervix with spermicide. It’s kind of like those mint strips you put in your mouth to freshen your breath, but for your vag to keep you from getting pregnant. It is not effective against STIs, and may actually increase your risk, which I will get into later.
The efficacy rates for pregnancy prevention are about 74% for normal use, 94% for perfect use. When paired with condoms the efficacy rate gets up to about 97%. When I say normal use vs. perfect use what I mean is that people screw shit up and don’t always do it right. In general, the more often you use something the better you get at it. So that 74% tends to be for the first year that you use a new method and your efficacy goes up from there. When I say 94% for perfect use that means how effective it is if you use it the correct way every time
You say that it sounds like it might be better because you won’t have to stop to put on a condom. However, you still have to stop to put in the VCF and then wait 15 minutes to make sure it is effective. So unless you plan ahead you will still be stopping and possibly stopping and waiting. And you may not want to plan ahead in this case unless you’re absolutely positive that you’ll be having sex later and this is why …
Nonoxynol-9
VCF is made from Nonoxynol-9 which is a spermicide. It is a very effective spermicide as it immobilizes sperm on contact. However, in such a delicate ecosystem as the vagina you might imagine that there could be some issues. If you use Nonoxynol-9 sparingly there shouldn’t be much of an issue if you’re in a monogamous disease-free relationship unless you are prone to infection. However, the more often you use it the more your vagina is exposed to this harsh chemical. And the more it is exposed to it the more likely you are to actually get vaginal lesions. For people who are not in monogamous disease-free relationships, this means an increased likelihood of contracting an STI especially HIV and HPV.
Like I said, it’s relatively safe if you’re not using it often, which is why you shouldn’t use it unless you are 99.9% sure that you’re about to get it on.
But there’s also the issue of oral sex. Say you and your partner have been having a grand old time fucking away and you just feel this need to have his cock in your mouth. Well now his cock is probably covered in spermicide and will taste not so good and will quite possibly numb your mouth a bit. Or maybe he’s been finger fucking you and rubbing your clit and then he just has to taste you … same thing. Genitals don’t taste so good with nonoxynol-9 all over them and they’ll also make your lips go numb and possibly your tongue.
This is precisely why I said 15 minutes of waiting. Sure you can makeout and feel each other up, but finger fucking and oral sex may make things less pleasant.
Conclusion
So VCF is decent at preventing pregnancy, especially when combined with other birth control methods, but it should be used sparingly and you may not want to put your mouths anywhere near anything that’s been put in your vagina. It’s a great options for some, and not so great for others.
Here is a how-to video provided from the makers of a VCF:
In a recent comment a reader asked: I am curios about anal sex. Me and my husband discuss it but we are waiting on the right time. I was wondering what is the best position for beginners?
Many beginners to anal sex find that it is easiest to start where the person who is being penetrated anally is on top. So think of the cowgirl position, but up the butt instead of in the vagina. Reverse cowgirl would work fine as well. The reason that this can often be the best position for beginners is because the person who is on the receiving end has more control over depth, speed, and angle. You can ease that cock or dildo in as quickly or as slowly as you’d like … although I’d suggest slowly since you’re beginners.
Another option if you’re having a difficult time relaxing is to have the receiver laying on their back, but with their hips and legs supported with pillows. This allows the receiver to relax more, but also gives up a lot of the control. If you and your partner trust each other and have really good communication skills during sex this could be a great option.
No matter what you do though, remember to use lots of lube, warm up with fingers and/or butt plugs, and be patient. Porno ass sex is all pretty staged. You can’t just start fucking an ass gung ho like that. Those performers warmed up beforehand.
For more beginner anal sex tips check out my post here.
I love seeing how people get to my site. And sometimes they inadvertently find my site by asking a question I never answer here. That makes me sad :( So in the interest of getting people’s questions answered I will respond to questions I see people Googling to get here.
It’s been awhile since I’ve had one of these. People have just been getting here by the same old boring ways apparently. But yay, we have a new one!
Q: Can you make a buttplug out of anything?
A: I’m not sure if they’re asking if a butt plug can be made out of any material or if they are planning on making a butt plug themselves. So I will answer each part independently.
1. Butt plugs are made out of many different materials, but it cannot be made out of any material. For example, butter would probably make a pretty bad butt plug material. Sure you could carve it into the shape of a butt plug, but it would probably melt and then you would have a very buttery butt. Butt plugs also shouldn’t be made from jelly, cyberskin, or any other sex toy material which smells awful when taken out of the packaging. If you don’t want to smell it you probably shouldn’t put it in your body.
Butt plugs should be made out of awesome materials like silicone, steel, and glass.
2. Please don’t make your own butt plugs unless you are well versed in making other sex toys (Hint: Not like this guy) and understand that the base needs a wide flare to keep it from getting sucked up your butt. It’s really just better to not make your own butt plugs and to buy them because they tend to be safer if you get them from a reputable manufacturer/sex shop.
So y’all know I’m moving. Turns out it’s damn stressful to move across the country! I’ve moved many many times before, but it’s usually in the same city. The only times I’ve moved long distances were when there wasn’t much to move. So this is kinda crazy. If you follow me on twitter you’ve heard my bitching.
So the move is about 6 weeks away and I’m just researching things like crazy, but nothing is as good as advice from others. Anyone do a cross country move before? What did you do to make it easier/cut costs?
As of right now it looks like we will have our stuff driven in a container on a truck with a bunch of other people’s stuff. It seems to be the cheapest and easiest route. However, with 15 different moving companies contacting me all the time I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. In fact, I thought I’d finally found a company that looked really awesome to then realize that they only do moves that originate in California, not the other way around. I’ve researched the other 15 companies with the BBB and I’ve narrowed it down to 6 which is still too many. So who have you used? What was your experience?
Also, anyone in the SF Bay Area know of any jobs in sex education/outreach/PR? I’m looking for work out there and while Craigslist is helpful, networking is always better. Please put in a good word for me/point me in the right direction.
Thanks all! I’m going to finish this here mudslide in hopes that it will take some of the edge off …
