Body Image | Ask Garnet

Female Impotence

I’ve been doing my daily tips Monday through Friday on Twitter ( I found it too difficult to remember on the weekends) and because I only have 140 characters I can only say so much. I encourage you to ask questions if I give a tip that you need more information on. I had one reader do just that. The tip was: Smoking cigarettes can lead to impotence in both men AND women. And his question is: What exactly qualifies as impotence in women? Low sex drive? Low lubrication production?

We all know what impotence means for men. Afterall, there are tons of commercials for Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, etc on TV all the damned time. Although, they usually call it erectile dysfunction these days so as not to upset the men folks, but I wanted to use a single word to describe what it is in both men and women. Granted, it actually is the same thing in women as men: erectile dysfunction. Although in women it is rarely called that. In women its called Female Sexual Arousal Disorder. I don’t know about you, but erectile dysfunction is a much nicer way of saying it. In fact, I think I’d prefer calling it impotence for everyone than calling women’s inability to get an erection Female Sexual Arousal Disorder. That sounds horribly sex negative.

Enough with the rant, what does it mean? People spend so much time talking about the differences between men and women that it almost seems like we’re two different species. But the reality is that we all start out female in the womb and either continue to develop as a female or the course gets altered and we become male. This means that our bodies are pretty much made up of the exact same stuff. Heck, why do you think men have nipples?

Sure, our genitals look pretty different from each other, but they’re actually strikingly similar. There is erectile tissue in both the clitoris and the penis and when any healthy, able-bodied person becomes aroused they sport an erection. Its just that some of ours are smaller and more internal than others. Its hard to ignore a man’s erection when its sticking out at you and its pretty obvious when he is having a difficult time getting or maintaining his erection. Sexual partners often take it personally or think that he is not a “real man” and the man with the limp dick often freaks out about it and starts asking the wrong questions of himself. Instead of asking things like “Am I really attracted to her? Am I gay? Am I not virile enough?,” he should be asking “What is different? Am I on any new medications that cause side effects? Have I changed my diet recently? When is the last time I had a prostate exam? Have I been really stressed out lately? Am I in bad health?”

When a woman becomes sexually aroused, we don’t think of her as having an erection, but she really does. Maybe its because our society focuses on one side of sex and not the other? Arousal in women is often judged by how wet she gets, not how big her clit gets. But if her clit does not become erect, it will be very difficult for her to have an orgasm, just like it is very difficult for men to have an orgasm when not erect. So while it is obvious when men experience erectile dysfunction because their cock isn’t waving at you, it becomes a bit more obvious when a woman cannot have an orgasm that she can normally achieve. However, it isn’t obvious as to what the reasoning is. A woman may still feel pretty aroused despite her clit not being erect. Or she may just feel her sex drive drop. And there really aren’t any pills out there for women to help with this dysfunction. But I don’t really think Viagra for women is going to fix the problem either if a woman doesn’t know why she isn’t becoming aroused or orgasmic. First, women need to learn more about their bodies in order to understand the way it changes.

So smoking effects the ability for both men and women to get an erection because nicotine is a vasoconstrictor, which means that it tightens blood vessels and constricts blood flow. This obviously has a big effect on how the blood flows into the genitals.

In Defense of Squirting

The sex blogging community was all a buzz last night because of a post written on Toy with Me. This particular post basically ranted about how disgusting female ejaculation is. The author, The Kinky Jew, also touched on a lot of issues she has with porn. The original post can be read here: Squirting Vaginas Freak Me Out

There are a lot of comments on this post, but I prefer to respond to the article with one of my own. So this is my response.

First of all, lets just get into the issue of porn. Her issue is that she feels that the women of porn are an ideal she can’t live up to. This hits on some of the themes I tackled in a previous post and the problem is really similar. While the woman who wrote in to me was comparing herself to the women in porn, The Kinky Jew feels the need to compete with them. Neither of these are very productive. Mainstream porn just isn’t real. Most people don’t look like that and most people don’t fuck like that. Honestly, I wouldn’t even want to fuck like most people in mainstream porn. It looks like a whole lot of no fun to me. This is why I tend to not watch mainstream porn. I prefer porn that I find hot. Maybe the Kinky Jew should follow suit? Especially if what she wants is average looking women fucking then she should definitely watch amateur porn.

She also complains about this supposedly wide spread epidemic of squirting in porn. What porn is she watching? There is definitely a niche for squirting porn just like there is a niche for bondage and foot worship, but these things are hardly in every or even close to most porn you’ll find. I actually have a friend who went to LA to get into the porn business because she LOVES fucking and she was treated as a bit of a freak because she is a squirter. So yeah … Definitely not everywhere.

The Kinky Jew feels that this is just one more area in which she has to compete with the ladies of porn. I can understand that feeling. But I don’t feel like that pressure is just from porn. I feel like that pressure comes from the sex business in general and consumerism as a whole. We are always made to feel inadequate for not having or doing certain things. I have women who come into the sex shop all the time who are frustrated because they can’t seem to get this huge amazing orgasm from their g-spot. They’ve read about it from sex educators or Cosmo or talked about it with their friends. They can’t get their g-spot to work right and it makes them feel like something is wrong with them or they are less of a woman because of this. And g-spot stimulation and squirting often go hand in hand here. In talking to these women I often find that they have wonderful clitoral orgasms, but they’ve been made to feel like that is just not enough. The g-spot doesn’t do it for everyone. For some people it just makes them feel like they have to pee. The same is the case for squirting. You shouldn’t feel inadequate for not doing something that other women can do, but you also shouldn’t shun them for it. As long as we can derive pleasure from sex, what does it matter what hot new spot is out there? Sure try it if you want to, but if it doesn’t work for you don’t despair. There are women out there who are just struggling to have an orgasm or even enjoy sex at all.

And on that note, in the About the Site section, the owner of the site (not sure who since there are several contributors) talks about how the purpose of this blog is to reclaim her own sexuality after her libido and her vagina dried up. This sounds like it would be a sex positive journey, but this and several other posts on this blog are actually very shaming.

How could it not be shaming to say that squirting is disgusting? The Kinky Jew says that it is unclean and compares it to unnatural and magic acts. Squirting is NORMAL. Not all women do it, but there are many women who do. And one of the reasons that many people find it to be a desirable trait is because it is a physical representation of a woman’s pleasure. After your husband has ejaculated have you ever rubbed it all over your body and thought that it felt really sexy? Its kind of like that. His ejaculate is a physical representation of his orgasm and its fucking hot.

And now for story time:
When I was much younger and first starting to explore my sexuality I fucked this guy for hours and hours and hours. It wasn’t non-stop; I was also doing laundry. Multi-tasking! Sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, repeat. It helped that at the time I liked wearing sexy dresses with no undies while I did my laundry. At one point when I was on top of him I just gushed all over him. Odd thing was that I hadn’t even had an orgasm – I wasn’t orgasming with partners yet. I also didn’t know what female ejaculation was. Neither of us really freaked out about it, but we kind of sniffed at it to make sure it wasn’t pee- it didn’t smell like it. We just kind of laughed it off and assumed it was my body’s way of saying “Ok enough already jeez!”

A couple years later I was in a relatively steady relationship with a guy and every so often when I’d orgasm I’d ejaculate. I didn’t know what was going on and it was super embarrassing to me. I knew I wasn’t peeing, but I didn’t really know what was happening and I thought it weird and would stop all action after it happened.

About a year later I kind of put two and two together and figured out that I was ejaculating, but still wasn’t super comfortable with it. And then I became a camgirl. A fellow porn model friend of mine bought me an amazing glass dildo for my birthday and when I would masturbate with it I would gush gallons every single time. The arousal I experienced of being watched, combined with the amazing g-spot pressure created by the glass dildo, always made me soak through towels folded up several times. And the people who watched me LOVED IT! They loved the faces of pure ecstasy I would make combined with the squirting. It really helped me to embrace my squirting to know that others found it to be hot. Soon after that I dated a guy who loved to be covered in my ejaculate. And that helped even more.

And then … I started to experience more and more pain in my body. Pain that doctors have not been able to explain. And that once amazing glass dildo started to hurt. Since then I have been able to achieve amazing g-spot orgasms again with softer materials, but I no longer squirt. At first it made me feel inadequate, but I got over that and learned to embrace the pleasure that my body could still create. I will admit that the one thing I don’t miss is the clean-up. But that wasn’t really a huge problem anyways. Most of the time I felt like it was totally worth it.

However, there were times where squirting did make me feel a bit like a circus freak. That was when I had partners who would seem to be solely in the sex for the squirting. Needless to say, those partners did not last long.

So I guess what I’m trying to say here is that we shouldn’t shame people for how they experience pleasure. What people’s bodies do naturally in the throes of ecstasy can be very embarrassing when they are told that it is disgusting, impossible, or wrong. Instead, we should be celebrating healthy sexuality. If its not your cup of tea or its not something that you can do, that’s fine, but lets not shun others for consensual activity. And also, if what you want is amateur porn then watch amateur porn!

For more info on squirting check out my previous blog post explaining what it is, where it comes from, and how it happens here.

**UPDATE: The Kinky Jew has replied to all of the responses to her blog post here. I for one agree with her on the way the comments got out of hand. Just because we can’t see you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be held responsible for what you say. People felt very strongly about the subject, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have an intelligent debate that doesn’t devolve into name calling and holocaust references. I accept her apology for having offended me and I hope that she agrees that my arguments were completely respectful. I tried to keep them as such.**

Small Breasts- To Implant or Not to Implant

Boob jobs. Do you think its superficial to think it may/may not increase one’s self esteem?

In all honesty, its something I’ve considered. Half the time I don’t feel very “womanly” because I barely fill an A. All that gorgeous lingerie that’s out there, I can’t wear. I have a bunch that I have to rig to fit, and at that point, they really don’t look attractive. My husband thinks mine are fine, but I feel superficial for thinking this way. It does sort of effect our sex life, because I don’t feel that attractive. I just almost feel like if I had some hot C’s I’d probably dress less boyish and maybe even stand up straight. Hell, if I had boobs I’d probably play with them myself!

I dunno. I talked about it with my husband, and we’ve pulled together that its part of the reason I hate porn too. The acts themselves can turn us both on, but knowing that I look next to nothing like those girls kills me. Its such a stupid thought to have, but its honestly the thought that goes through my mind. Then I beat up on him for looking. And, I don’t want to be like that.

He’s supporting the idea if it will make me feel that good. This of course wouldn’t happen until somewhere later down the road. He agreed it would be awesome to see me wearing some pretty lingerie, and he’d probably buy more. Right now its like I’m a 12 year old girl wearing a training bra! (and I seriously do have one somewhere, its one of my better fitting bras.)
I guess just throw me some thoughts. Not sure if boobs would actually improve anything or not, and sadly, I feel like my self esteem would improve. so yeah, between you and me…
I want some freakin’ bazongas!!!

Let me start off by saying that, just like super models, most normal people don’t look like porn stars. Mainstream porn stars have had so many nips and tucks that you’re not sure which parts of them are real or not anymore. So, for the love of god, please don’t compare yourself to them OR to super models.

Now, that being said, there are actually lots of lovely porn models and actresses that have small breasts and are both sexy and cute. Scott Owens, owner of EroticBPM has let me troll around on his site in search of pictures of hot small breasted women for your viewing pleasure in order to prove a point. I will be posting pics of these hot models throughout this post and I dare you to tell me that any of them look any less hot because of their small breasts. The reality is that you’re just looking at the wrong porn, which I think a lot of people are doing. Mainstream porn is SOOOO not where it is at in the world of hotness!

First, lets address the lingerie issue. Small breasts are actually often easier to find lingerie for. You just have to know what you’re looking for. Stop focusing on the tits and look for other parts of your body to accentuate. Large breasted women have to find lingerie that is supportive and has underwire and possibly padding in order to keep the girls up, but you don’t need that. Look for stuff that offers little or no support. And definitely accentuate the booty, tummy, and thighs; the things that make you feel sexy and womanly.

Or even think outside the box and find stuff that may not conventionally be considered lingerie, but looks awesome on you.

Now, lets address your sex life. You feel like if only you had a great pair of C cups you’d be a fiery vixen in bed. I think that there is probably a huge population of women who feel something similar. If only I had a bigger/smaller butt/chest/lips/thighs/hips/stomach or longer/shorter legs/hair/torso … etc etc etc. I think there are very few women out there who think they’re perfect and think that “if only” this one thing was different THEN they’d be unstoppable! We all have at least some self-esteem issues and really, that’s how the consumerism works. If we were all happy all the time we wouldn’t buy as much useless crap as we do now.

And what makes you think that you’ll stop at a new pair of tits? Maybe once you get those you’ll start thinking that your thighs are too fat or your lips are too small. When does it end? And is it really worth it? Are there ways to learn to love the body that you have?

Try looking at real breasts of all kinds of women – large and small breasts with different shapes, colors, textures, and gravity effects. Here is a gallery of non-sexualized pictures of breasts. This can help you to realize what is real instead of always looking at porn stars. Also, try finding things that make your breasts feel good. Is there a special way you like to have your nipples pinched? Do you like it when your husband caresses them? Or even, how they feel when you take a hot bath. Finding pleasure in the breasts that you have can make you fall in love with them and accept them for what they are. Especially with the knowledge that implants can often decrease sensation in your breasts and nipples.

Now, the reason that I feel so strongly about this kind of thing is that I feel that everyone should learn to love the body that they have. I think it makes us all very unhappy to go around feeling like we’re missing something or would be better if only … Whats important is to be healthy and happy and find pleasure in what we have. We can’t truly enjoy sex if we can’t embrace our bodies. I’ve dated several women who wouldn’t let me see them naked. They would go to great lengths to keep the lights out and under the covers so that I couldn’t see them. But I WANTED to see them! That is, after all, why I was having sex with them. I found them very attractive and wanted to see their bodies. No matter what they thought was wrong with them, I found them hot. But what’s even hotter is someone with confidence.

I know there are a lot of people who say that they’re down with body modification of all kinds. And you know what, I disagree with that stance. I think tattoos and piercings and the like are pretty rad. I think they are a great way to express individuality. Granted, not everyone goes the individual route and gets tribal on the small of their back. But in general, its a way of expressing yourself. I see plastic surgery as a way to try to look like everyone else. This is of course not always the case, but I feel like a lot of people who get plastic surgery are trying to reach some sort of mainstream beauty ideal. Then there’s also the fact that it is SURGERY. There are a ton of risks. You could die! Seriously. Is it really worth it? People seem to forget that you can actually die from plastic surgery.

So, in the end, do I think its superficial? Yes, I most certainly do. But, its also your decision and I want you to be happy with whatever decision you ultimately make. But I want you to really think about it. I know women who’ve had breast implants and they seem to be happy with them. Does it make their life better? I don’t know. I’d have to actually be them to really know that.

And now I’m just going to post more pics of hot small breasted women just for the hell of it. Enjoy!

PS I’m going to send you 2.5 hours of free porn minutes from HotMoviesForHer.com in hopes that you can find some porn that features small breasted women that you think is totally hot.

Stay tuned everyone for your chance to win free porn! I will be announcing a contest later this week!

AWOL

I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL lately. I love writing this blog, but I’ve just been too busy. What with working 6 days a week AND planning a wedding its just been too hard. And this isn’t going to change until after the wedding most likely. So don’t expect to hear too much from me until after the big day (March 21st!). But if you’re hard up to read up on sex let me give you some great book recommendations to keep you busy until I have a little more time.

- Good Vibrations Guide to Sex 3rd edition- This book is an all inclusive book on sex that features drawings of all kinds of people with all kinds of bodies and kinks. I highly recommend it.

- I Love Female Orgasm- And who doesn’t? This is a great book to learn more about women, their anatomy, their desires, and how to make them happy. It is especially useful for women who may have a hard time having orgasms

- Opening Up- This is a great book for those interested in non-monogamous relationships of all kinds. Don’t be a cheater! If you don’t dig monogamy learn how to be honest and have fulfilling relationships.

- Healing Sex- Have you or someone you love been the victim of sexual abuse? This book can really help get past those traumas to have a healthy sexual relationship again.

- Sex for One- This book literally changed my life. Its all about female masturbation and loving your body.

- She Comes First- This is a fabulous and extremely informative book on giving oral sex to women.

- The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability- This is a great book for anyone who has or is with someone who has a disability or suffers from chronic pain. Learn how to make sex easier and better.

- Yes Means Yes- This is easily one of the best books I’ve ever read. This book is very different from the rest. It is full of feminist essays with the goal of changing our culture of rape. One of the strongest messages to walk away with is how we view consent. We should be celebrating sex and sexuality and seeking out enthusiastic consent instead of just hoping to not hear a ‘no.’ And for those of you in Chicago, the editors of Yes Means Yes will be at Women and Children First bookstore on February 19th at 7:30.

Can anyone else recommend any good books about sex?

Size Obsession

This has been pretty big news lately so many of you may have already heard about this, but I think it is so fabulous that it needs to be written about again and again until people really get the point. Keira Knightley, the second highest paid actress in Hollywood, has put her foot down and told studios that she does NOT want her breasts digitally enhanced in her new movie’s publicity photos. She says she’s very happy with the breasts she has. For more info and a video that interviews feministing’s Courtney Martin click on the picture below.