Local Chicago Stuff

Hey Chicagoans, or those of you who may be visiting Chicago during these times, here are a couple of events featuring the always awesome me:

Tomorrow at U of C there will be a documentary about Early to Bed which is the sex shop I work at. I get interviewed a bit in it and I swear that gap in my teeth isn’t that bad in person! In fact, come look at it after the movie and let me know because I’ll be there. The details:

Date:
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Time:
6:00pm – 8:00pm
Location:
University of Chicago, Cobb Hall Rm. 307
Street:
5811 S. Ellis Ave.

This event is open to all and is free. Snacks will be provided.

On July 13th I will be giving my last workshop in Chicago before I move out west so you should all come. I’ll be talking about the g-spot and female ejaculation, which are both topics close to my heart. The class will be at 7:30pm at Early to Bed and it’s $15/ $10 for students and low income. Please register in advance by calling: 773-271-1219, ordering online, or coming into the store.

Hope to see you at one or both of these events!

A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

So the sex blogger community has been all abuzz today because of a certain adult toy store banning Epiphora, a very popular toy reviewer. I’ve kind of always known that there was something not quite right about that website ever since I first heard about them. First it was because they sold products that are dangerous (which they later stopped selling) and then I heard brief mentionings of how they had wronged people who had worked for them. I’d never really researched it though since I felt like it never really concerned me since I wouldn’t promote them here on my blog anyway.

But since there was the buzz today I decided to do a little bit of research. Both AAG and Essin’Em have written about their experiences with the company and that enlightened me quite a bit.

But all I can think about is how EF is so much like Suicide Girls (you’ll notice I won’t link to either of the sites because I dont’ want to give them traffic). I have a lot more experience in the alt porn community than I do in the sex blogging community. Or at least I did at the height of alt porn. So this is the connection I instantly drew.

Both sites are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are both pretending they are something they are not, but even worse is that they are pretending to be good, but they really have other intentions. They pretend to be the good people who have worked hard to create a good, ethical product or service and then they exploit it in order to make lots of money.

Suicide Girls pretended to be a typical alt porn site that just happened to rake in tons of dough. They even pretended to be run by a woman so that they could put a softer feminist touch on the whole porn thing. They weren’t out to exploit women! They were women! Bullshit. The bigger they got, the more difficult it was to keep the sheep’s wool in place. Their real goals and intentions started to show through more and more as models were made to sign ridiculous contracts while other models were banned from the website and yet their content still remained and was often sold off to the highest bidder. The community members and newer models refused to believe what was going on. They tried to discuss it in the community only to find threads deleted and them banned as well. SG fooled a lot of people, but a lot of us in the alt industry saw them for what they were pretty quickly. I was a part of a site that helped them into existence and then got stabbed in the back once they were doing well enough on their own. These good companies then changed their contracts to show the models that they would protect them and their images; to show that they were the real deal.

There are similarities here to EF. EF has made money by pretending to be an ethical honest sex shop like the feminist sex shops out there who have worked their asses off to spread the word about healthy sexuality and dangerous products. But see there’s an obvious difference right away. When confronted with the fact that anal-eze is dangerous they continued to sell it until it no longer fit in what they wanted their image to be. They didn’t stop selling it on principal. They sold it because people bought it and that makes them money. Only once they felt that it truly conflicted with the image they were trying to portray did they stop selling it.

EF is not a feminist sex shop. They have not worked hard to make the world a better place. They work hard to make money. And you know what, that’s fine. It’s a business which is supposed to make money. The problem is when they pretend that they are all the things that the feminist sex shops of the world have tried so hard to attain, but aren’t actually that at all.

And just along the same lines of SG, EF is now censoring and banning community members. I predict the next move they will make is to insist that all reviewers only review for them.

Ok the truth is that I don’t like drama, but I felt this needed to be said because I feel like it is so difficult to know who to trust in the adult industry. There are many wolves in sheep’s clothing and just straight up wolves. But without education a lot of people can’t even spot the wolves who aren’t hiding. There are so many dangerous products and exploitative services in the adult industry because there are few regulations. It is an industry that has to self-regulate. That is why it is so important to be able to trust who you are giving your money to.  If you can’t trust them, how can you be sure they’re not out to screw you in the most unpleasant way possible?

10 Sexual Myths

Speaking of sex positivity, I just read a fantastic article over at Feministing which discusses a compilation of sexual myths that a panel came up with at the Rethinking Virginity Conference at Harvard. This relates to my previous articles because our narrow definitions of and great value placed on virginity is extremely sex negative. It implies that the only kind of valuable sex is heterosexual penis in vagina sex and it also implies that a woman’s body becomes devalued the more often she has sex. It implies that the sex itself will be less good with a woman who has had lots of sex. I tend to think that that is the opposite of true. The more experience we have doing something, the better we get at it. Practice, practice, practice.

Here are the myths they came up with (go to the article to read what they have to say about each myth):

  1. The hymen is THE definitive marker of virginity.
  2. Valuing virginity protects girls and women.
  3. Queer sex doesn’t “count”
  4. You can only “lose it” once.
  5. Sex within marriage is the “healthiest” kind.
  6. There’s one universal definition of sex.
  7. Slut-shaming plays an important social role by discouraging “risky” behavior.
  8. Teens should learn that sex is dangerous so they won’t put themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancy and/or STIs.
  9. Teens don’t want to talk about sex with their parents.
  10. There is no such thing as sex-positive abstinence.

Interview with Bren Ryder

My first article on my new monthly column, Ethical Pornographer, is now up! In it I interview Bren Ryder of Good Dyke Porn and quite possibly admit to a crush on her.

GJ: What do you think it means to be an ethical pornographer?

BR: To me, to be an ethical pornographer means to put the models first. It’s a big deal to reveal your naked body and express your sexuality on film. So, that needs to be acknowledged and appreciated. Some people are more comfortable about it than others but everyone gets the same treatment: financial compensation, safe and comfortable environment, 100% say on what they do and how they want themselves to be viewed. To me, being an ethical pornographer is all about integrity. It’s important to me that everyone involved fully understands what they are doing.
Read more …

Sexual Assault Stories

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and part of awareness is sharing your story. I’ve seen a lot of brave people share their stories of sexual assault so I thought I would share mine as well.

I have 3 stories. None of which are the typical stories of assault you hear about. I was not brutalized and I was not outright raped. But I’ve been made to feel extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable in many different ways. The point of this is not to try to compare my stories to others, but to show that there are all kinds of sexual assault going on and that most women have encountered it. I’m not going to argue about my experiences and what they should be or shouldn’t be called. And any comments that I find to be out of line will be deleted. I will not tolerate it.

The first time was when I was 16. I had had a boyfriend who was 19. We’ll call him M. We met at Rocky Horror Picture Show (RHPS). At the time of this story we had broken up but would still sometimes hang out as friends at RHPS. On this night we had been making out at the theater. He offered to drive me and my friend home. We’ll call my friend J. I had planned to sleep over at J’s house that night. We invited M in and were all hanging out together when it started to rain. The windshield wipers on his car didn’t work so he couldn’t go anywhere. We all went to bed together in a big bed. M and I were still kissing a bit, but after a few minutes I told him we should stop. I was trying to respect my friend who was in the same bed with us. I didn’t think it would really be appropriate for us to mess around with her right there.

Apparently they didn’t feel the same way though. When he rolled off of me, he rolled between me and J and she grabbed him and started to make out. Except they didn’t just make out. They had sex. In the same bed as I was. My exbf lost his virginity that night to J. I didn’t know what to do. I was a pretty innocent naïve teen. I froze. The whole time knowing and feeling them having sex next to me. They supposedly thought I was asleep. Although I’m not sure how they could’ve thought that. In fact I barely slept at all that night. The next morning M had to drive me home so I acted like nothing had happened, but when I got out of the car I told him to never contact me again. I also later told J that I no longer wanted her friendship. I was devastated.

And to add insult to injury J later wrote me a long letter telling me that everything was my fault. I had been such a cock tease that night and she was just giving M what he wanted. She was giving him what I should have given him.

Story #2: I am 18 and in community college. At this point in my life I’ve fooled around with boys and girls quite a bit, but I’ve only had penis in vagina intercourse once. There was this very charming suave guy in my chemistry class. He spent quite a bit of time in class flirting with me until I agreed to hang out with him. He made me feel so sexy and desired, which is a feeling I longed for. He purred when we’d mess around which was ridiculously arousing. We messed around a lot. I didn’t touch him much because I was pretty inexperienced and was insecure about not doing the right things. But he spent a lot of time exploring my body and making me feel good.

At one point we were in my mom’s house and he was finger fucking me from behind in the bathroom. It felt amazing and I was clutching onto the bathroom wall. He had asked me many times before if he could stick his dick in me and I always told him no. I was not ready. This time he did not ask. He just did it. In fact the way he did it was like he was trying to trick me into thinking he was still fucking me with his fingers. I’m not an idiot. Even though I’d only had one dick in me once before I knew right away. I told him to stop. He did and he continued to finger fuck me. He then stuck his dick in me again. I got pissed at him. He laughed. He thought it was so funny. I kicked him out of the house and we never hung out again.

After he left I went to the bathroom and found that my vulva was covered in a brown dirt. I didn’t know what it was, but I tried to clean up as best I could. I got a yeast infection days later.

A few months went by and I was sitting in the cafeteria with some friends discussing our sex lives. At this point I had started having intercourse regularly. He came by and talked about how hot my virginal pussy was. How I’d probably spoiled it now that I’d fucked other guys.

Story #3: In this story I am freshly 21. I went to a house party with a guy friend. We’ll call him F. We knew no one there. I’m not even sure how we ended up at this party in the way out suburbs. But we did. There was a lot of drinking going on. F got super trashed. There are a lot of things about that night that he still does not remember. I had been drinking too, but not as much.

There was a guy there. I don’t even remember his name, but we’ll call him X. X was engaged and his fiance was at the party. But that didn’t matter to X. When he saw me he knew he wanted me and nothing was going to stand in his way. He spent the entire night walking in on me every time I’d go to the bathroom (there was no lock on the door and I had to start enlisting people to keep watch) and he kept coming up to me to touch me inappropriately or say something very inappropriate to me. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and angry. I started yelling at him every time he would do any of these things, but that did not deter him. In fact he had teamed up with a buddy of his. The buddy was supposed to play the nice guy. The one who was apologizing and trying to win me over. He was there to reassure me that his friend wasn’t normally like this, but that he would protect me.

Thank god a friend of mine showed up to the party late enough that he remained sober enough to overhear what happened next and then to drive me home. I went to the bathroom and he overheard X, Mr. Nice Guy, and some other guy talking about slipping something in my drink. Once I heard that we got the hell out of there.

I have been extremely lucky. Any one of these situations could have been a lot worse than they were. I can thank my friends for being there when I needed them and I can thank my strong character. But mostly, it’s luck.

If you want to read other people’s stories I suggest checking out the following:

If you know of others or want to share your own please post in the comments.

Ethical Pornographer

I have a new monthly column coming up over at Pop My Cherry Review and it’s going to be all about porn. Specifically, I will be interviewing pornography writers, directors, producers, and actors to get their views on ethical pornography. The goal is to learn how to create pornography that is ethical so that I can one day actually make it myself. As well as starting a more involved discussion on where the adult industry is heading and how we can try to control how it treats it’s actors and representatives as well as what kind of image it projects. I’m super excited about it! The first interview will be with Bren Ryder of Good Dyke Porn. I sent her questions a few days ago and according to twitter she “has amazing ideas in her head.” So look forward to that.

I want to try to interview a wide array of people so I won’t be just interviewing queer porn peeps. I will be looking at hetero independent, educational, alt, feminist, etc. The idea though is to find people who I think are ethical pornographers. If you know someone who makes porn or just someone you’d like to see interviewed who you think fits the bill please leave a comment or email to let me know. I would love to get your input!

And to give you a taste of ethical pornography, I leave you with a year old blog post from the creator of EroticBPM, which is a site that I’ve been involved with for years and has helped to shape my views on pornography and ethical pornography.

When I started this raverporn (eroticbpm), I did not sit down and think about ethics. It was just a creative project started from a silly idea. There was no plan with rules and a code of conduct, but as a person with strong personal ethics and ideals, what would become my full time job and business would be a direct reflection of my ethics.

Aside from their appearance, how I represented the models would arguably become one of the biggest marketing gimmicks for the alt porn industry. However, at the time it was more out of necessity than any big ethical choice.

I found rave & club girls attractive, I figured other people found them attractive, and in building a porn site around a community based on that scene. It only made sense to let the girls express themselves and let them be who they were in the photos. Girls who had any modeling experience found it refreshing to not need to take out their piercings, cover their tattoos and wear stupid outfits.

Along with this came models ability to choose how much or how little they wanted to show.
The little known ethical choice I soon made in connection with this was paying models the same no matter how much or how little they decided to display. The girl who doesn’t spread her legs gets the same amount as the girl who has anal sex with her boyfriend. This ensured that models were never being coerced into doing something they were not comfortable with, simply because they needed or wanted the money.

Read more …