But what makes it worse is when people who identify as feminists say they’re feminists, but don’t hate men. [...]]]> This drives me crazy. There is this perception that feminists are haters of men. This just isn’t true. Sure, some feminists hate men but so do people who don’t identify as feminists. There is no real correlation here.

But what makes it worse is when people who identify as feminists say they’re feminists, but don’t hate men. Celebrities, average people, and even feminist bloggers are guilty of this. When you say “I’m a feminist, but I don’t hate men” you help to feed the assumption that most feminists do hate men. The same could be true if you say “I’m a feminist, but I’m not a lesbian” or “I’m a feminist, but I shave my legs” or “I’m a feminist, but I still like to wear dresses.” Although, the bigger problem with all of those is the idea that the opposite is undesirable and somehow bad. These are all the things that the oppressive majority uses to keep feminism, and women in general, down. Nothing shuts down an argument quicker than completely dismissing someone because they are an ugly, fat, hairy lesbian. Because apparently if you are those things then you do not deserve to have an opinion.

But what they’re really saying is that you have these opinions because no man would want you anyway and here is where we get to the root of the problem with sexism. If you want a mate you have to appeal to men (lesbians and queer women are supposed to appeal to men as well) and apparently if you appeal to men then you have no desire to be a feminist. Because all your dreams are fulfilled in getting married and having your man’s babies?  I’m not really sure how all of that works. This is quite possibly the case because I’ve always been a strong feminist woman who does not back down. The mates I have had were interested in me because of these qualities, not despite them. And believe it or not, I’ve had way more male mates than female.

And this brings us full circle. Feminists don’t hate men, they hate the culture of male dominance. This is a big distinction that the mainstream doesn’t seem to understand.

So please, for the love of all things equal, stop saying “I’m a feminist, but …”

====================
This post, “I’m a Feminist, but …”, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 08/27/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: “I’m a Feminist, but …”. Thanks for visiting!
====================

Tomorrow at U of C there will be a documentary about Early to Bed which is the sex shop I work at. I get interviewed a bit in it and I swear [...]]]> Hey Chicagoans, or those of you who may be visiting Chicago during these times, here are a couple of events featuring the always awesome me:

Tomorrow at U of C there will be a documentary about Early to Bed which is the sex shop I work at. I get interviewed a bit in it and I swear that gap in my teeth isn’t that bad in person! In fact, come look at it after the movie and let me know because I’ll be there. The details:

This event is open to all and is free. Snacks will be provided.

On July 13th I will be giving my last workshop in Chicago before I move out west so you should all come. I’ll be talking about the g-spot and female ejaculation, which are both topics close to my heart. The class will be at 7:30pm at Early to Bed and it’s $15/ $10 for students and low income. Please register in advance by calling: 773-271-1219, ordering online, or coming into the store.

Hope to see you at one or both of these events!

====================
This post, Local Chicago Stuff, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 06/02/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Local Chicago Stuff. Thanks for visiting!
====================

GJ: What do you think it means to be an ethical pornographer?

BR: To me, to be an ethical pornographer means to put the models [...]]]> My first article on my new monthly column, Ethical Pornographer, is now up! In it I interview Bren Ryder of Good Dyke Porn and quite possibly admit to a crush on her.

GJ: What do you think it means to be an ethical pornographer?

BR: To me, to be an ethical pornographer means to put the models first. It’s a big deal to reveal your naked body and express your sexuality on film. So, that needs to be acknowledged and appreciated. Some people are more comfortable about it than others but everyone gets the same treatment: financial compensation, safe and comfortable environment, 100% say on what they do and how they want themselves to be viewed. To me, being an ethical pornographer is all about integrity. It’s important to me that everyone involved fully understands what they are doing.
Read more …

====================
This post, Interview with Bren Ryder, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 04/26/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Interview with Bren Ryder. Thanks for visiting!
====================

I have 3 stories. None of which are the typical stories of assault you hear about. I was not brutalized and [...]]]> April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and part of awareness is sharing your story. I’ve seen a lot of brave people share their stories of sexual assault so I thought I would share mine as well.

I have 3 stories. None of which are the typical stories of assault you hear about. I was not brutalized and I was not outright raped. But I’ve been made to feel extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable in many different ways. The point of this is not to try to compare my stories to others, but to show that there are all kinds of sexual assault going on and that most women have encountered it. I’m not going to argue about my experiences and what they should be or shouldn’t be called. And any comments that I find to be out of line will be deleted. I will not tolerate it.

The first time was when I was 16. I had had a boyfriend who was 19. We’ll call him M. We met at Rocky Horror Picture Show (RHPS). At the time of this story we had broken up but would still sometimes hang out as friends at RHPS. On this night we had been making out at the theater. He offered to drive me and my friend home. We’ll call my friend J. I had planned to sleep over at J’s house that night. We invited M in and were all hanging out together when it started to rain. The windshield wipers on his car didn’t work so he couldn’t go anywhere. We all went to bed together in a big bed. M and I were still kissing a bit, but after a few minutes I told him we should stop. I was trying to respect my friend who was in the same bed with us. I didn’t think it would really be appropriate for us to mess around with her right there.

Apparently they didn’t feel the same way though. When he rolled off of me, he rolled between me and J and she grabbed him and started to make out. Except they didn’t just make out. They had sex. In the same bed as I was. My exbf lost his virginity that night to J. I didn’t know what to do. I was a pretty innocent naïve teen. I froze. The whole time knowing and feeling them having sex next to me. They supposedly thought I was asleep. Although I’m not sure how they could’ve thought that. In fact I barely slept at all that night. The next morning M had to drive me home so I acted like nothing had happened, but when I got out of the car I told him to never contact me again. I also later told J that I no longer wanted her friendship. I was devastated.

And to add insult to injury J later wrote me a long letter telling me that everything was my fault. I had been such a cock tease that night and she was just giving M what he wanted. She was giving him what I should have given him.

Story #2: I am 18 and in community college. At this point in my life I’ve fooled around with boys and girls quite a bit, but I’ve only had penis in vagina intercourse once. There was this very charming suave guy in my chemistry class. He spent quite a bit of time in class flirting with me until I agreed to hang out with him. He made me feel so sexy and desired, which is a feeling I longed for. He purred when we’d mess around which was ridiculously arousing. We messed around a lot. I didn’t touch him much because I was pretty inexperienced and was insecure about not doing the right things. But he spent a lot of time exploring my body and making me feel good.

At one point we were in my mom’s house and he was finger fucking me from behind in the bathroom. It felt amazing and I was clutching onto the bathroom wall. He had asked me many times before if he could stick his dick in me and I always told him no. I was not ready. This time he did not ask. He just did it. In fact the way he did it was like he was trying to trick me into thinking he was still fucking me with his fingers. I’m not an idiot. Even though I’d only had one dick in me once before I knew right away. I told him to stop. He did and he continued to finger fuck me. He then stuck his dick in me again. I got pissed at him. He laughed. He thought it was so funny. I kicked him out of the house and we never hung out again.

After he left I went to the bathroom and found that my vulva was covered in a brown dirt. I didn’t know what it was, but I tried to clean up as best I could. I got a yeast infection days later.

A few months went by and I was sitting in the cafeteria with some friends discussing our sex lives. At this point I had started having intercourse regularly. He came by and talked about how hot my virginal pussy was. How I’d probably spoiled it now that I’d fucked other guys.

Story #3: In this story I am freshly 21. I went to a house party with a guy friend. We’ll call him F. We knew no one there. I’m not even sure how we ended up at this party in the way out suburbs. But we did. There was a lot of drinking going on. F got super trashed. There are a lot of things about that night that he still does not remember. I had been drinking too, but not as much.

There was a guy there. I don’t even remember his name, but we’ll call him X. X was engaged and his fiance was at the party. But that didn’t matter to X. When he saw me he knew he wanted me and nothing was going to stand in his way. He spent the entire night walking in on me every time I’d go to the bathroom (there was no lock on the door and I had to start enlisting people to keep watch) and he kept coming up to me to touch me inappropriately or say something very inappropriate to me. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable and angry. I started yelling at him every time he would do any of these things, but that did not deter him. In fact he had teamed up with a buddy of his. The buddy was supposed to play the nice guy. The one who was apologizing and trying to win me over. He was there to reassure me that his friend wasn’t normally like this, but that he would protect me.

Thank god a friend of mine showed up to the party late enough that he remained sober enough to overhear what happened next and then to drive me home. I went to the bathroom and he overheard X, Mr. Nice Guy, and some other guy talking about slipping something in my drink. Once I heard that we got the hell out of there.

I have been extremely lucky. Any one of these situations could have been a lot worse than they were. I can thank my friends for being there when I needed them and I can thank my strong character. But mostly, it’s luck.

If you want to read other people’s stories I suggest checking out the following:

• Fighting Ableism Fights Sexual Assault (stay tuned to Feministe all month long for more stories)
• Essin’Em – The Story of My Assault
• Britni’s Shameless- One Year: The Story of My Rape

If you know of others or want to share your own please post in the comments.

====================
This post, Sexual Assault Stories, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 04/06/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Sexual Assault Stories. Thanks for visiting!
====================

I can really see why this film was nominated for a Feminist Porn Award. The women are expressing their own sexuality on their terms [...]]]> A new porn review of mine just went up on XCritic today! Yay! This one is for Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality which I liked a whole lot. Here’s a snippet from my review:

I can really see why this film was nominated for a Feminist Porn Award. The women are expressing their own sexuality on their terms through words and actions. This film is informative and also super hot. I really like to know my porn stars because I feel like I can get in their heads more when they’re fucking. I know what they want and I know what makes them cum. What could possibly be hotter? And sure, you’re probably not going to watch the interviews more than a couple of times max (unless you’re writing your thesis on feminist or queer porn), but the sex is so hot that it will keep you coming back for more. And they were smart enough to separate the interviews from the sex in the scene selections so you don’t have to fast forward through all the talking to get to the fucking.

Speaking of fucking, what sets this movie apart from a lot of others is that the women are very obviously enjoying themselves. Hell they set up their own scenes so they should be enjoying them! There is also a lot more passionate kissing in this porn than I’ve seen in most. You can tell the actors are really into it. And yeah, the sound and lighting isn’t great, but I’m starting to expect that from independent porn studios. The extras are total crap, but the film stands by itself really well so for that reason I highly recommend it. Read more …

====================
This post, Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 03/11/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality. Thanks for visiting!
====================

njoy eleven in Syd's ass

Despite the piano, the sex was totally hot. These two would have to [...]]]> Another new review up at XCritic! This time I’m finally stepping away from the AbbyWinters stuff and have moved on to Good Releasing titles. In honor of Satine Phoenix’s departure from porn I decided to review Frisk Me first.

njoy eleven in Syd's ass

Despite the piano, the sex was totally hot. These two would have to have absolutely no chemistry at all in order for this scene to not be hot. So what did it involve? Pussy licking, Satine’s pussy grinding into Syd’s face (omg hot!), clit sucking and rubbing, and an njoy eleven in Syd’s ass. Holy crap! While that eleven is in her ass she’s rubbing away at her clit and her entire body is shaking. You know that was a good orgasm! …

… The oral sex from both actors in this scene is really well done. Too often in porn I see oral sex that I would not want to receive, but in this scene I can’t help but wonder just how Tyler’s tongue feels on Madison’s swollen pussy especially when she sits on his face. His cock even curves perfectly for her to deep throat him while they’re in 69. These two should work together all the time! (Read more …)

====================
This post, Frisk Me Review, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 02/25/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Frisk Me Review. Thanks for visiting!
====================