Homosexuality | Ask Garnet

How Do You Define Your Sexuality? Contest!

Sexuality is an extremely complex thing that we try so hard to define in one or two word answers. But it’s just not that easy. There is who you are attracted to, what you are attracted to, what turns you on, what you fantasize about, what you wish didn’t turn you on, who you become romantically interested in, how high or low your libido is, how you achieve intimacy, how many partners you prefer to have, how your body responds or does not respond, etc etc etc. And unfortunately, most of us are not taught to explore what our sexuality is beyond straight/gay/bisexual or kinky/vanilla. And some people don’t even get that much exploration.

So I’m curious, how do you identify? What makes up your sexuality? Do you just choose to use simple words or do you feel that your sexuality is more complex and maybe even fluid? Have you not given it a whole lot of thought? Why not?

Leave me a comment letting me know exactly how you currently identify and maybe even the path in which you’ve traveled to reach your sexual identity. To make the deal a little sweeter I’ll throw in a copy of Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality. One of you will be chosen at random to win this sexy DVD which I reviewed a couple months ago. The DVD is provided by Good Vibrations, but unfortunately does not have the DVD case, just a paper sleeve. But really, you just want the porn anyway. Who needs a case?

You know what? Lets make this deal even sweeter. The second runner up will receive a free hour of video on demand porn from HotMoviesForHer. Yeah, I just decided that right now. That’s how I roll.

For more ways to enter check out Mistress Kay’s blog. She’s the one who motivated me to throw together this contest anyway. In her contest post she also explores what her sexual identity is and what it means to her. So what are you waiting for? Enter!

Or stick around and read about how I define my sexuality and then enter. Either way.

Like I said earlier, sexuality is complex and mine is no different. In fact my sexuality has often frustrated me. You see I’m more physically attracted to women, but more emotionally attracted to men. This has often made relationships difficult for me since I often fell in love with men, but was more attracted to women. At one point I was completely madly in love with a man but when we’d have sex I’d sometimes lick his perineum like it was a clit and finger his asshole like it was a vagina. He never seemed to mind, but I don’t think he really knew what was going through my head anyway.

Don’t get me wrong though. I love having sex with both men and women. And in fact, often enjoyed having sex with men more. I blame this on the fact that I just had so many more male partners than female ones. When you have a bigger pot you’re picking from you’ll probably get more fantastic lovers … as well as awful ones.

For a very long time I was only attracted to people with pretty standard gender presentations. I didn’t really understand being attracted to people who defied gender norms until a)I became a gender and women’s studies major and b)I met my wife. Both opened my mind a whole bunch and led me to change my orientation label from bisexual to queer. I love the word queer because it is all encompassing. Now I tend to be attracted to a lot of different gender representations. I even often find that when people play with gender it’s fucking hot. I’m really only not attracted to douchebags and sorority girls. And yes, I actually think of those as gender identities even if they don’t. It makes sense to me.

On the spectrum of monogamy and non-monogamy I’m not really sure where I’m at. I’ve always tended towards monogamy in my serious relationships, but my relationships have often been very short lived. Now I find myself in a marriage with a woman I have been with for almost 4 years. That’s a long time. So we plan to explore. I figure that infidelity ruins a lot of relationships and I don’t want it to ruin mine. It just seems so unlikely to expect someone to be able to remain completely faithful for such a long time. I prefer to avoid that all together by opening things up and creating that trust.

My turn ons are things that I am not supposed to be turned on by. That’s what really gets me going. I like inappropriateness. If I’m supposed to be somewhere else, if I should be doing something else, if the location is all wrong, if it’s really really bad porn, or a stranger I don’t even find attractive whose body is pressed up against mine in a crowded train. All of these things make my genitals tingle probably because I keep yelling at them in my head to stop.

I’m also really turned on by seeing other people turned on. It doesn’t tend to matter who it is. I just love to see the look of ecstasy on people’s faces. Mix this with inappropriateness and we have a whole new game of awful things to be turned on by. You have no idea.

I’m turned on by sex toys, Old Spice deodorant, necking, big round booties, suggestive visuals, laughing, feeling powerful, the way different fabrics feel on my naked body, intelligence, longing, playfulness, flirting with cute strangers, being seduced, dorkyness, trashy boys, and androgyny.

I don’t tend to consider myself to be kinky, but am open to kinkiness in general and have participated in many acts that are far from vanilla. I have no interest in group sex as I prefer to focus my attention on one person at a time.

I have chronic pain that interferes with my sex life a great deal. At the top of that list is having arthritis in my hands and wrists. This can make sex very difficult especially on days with lots of pain. Luckily for me, I have a very understanding partner who doesn’t need a whole lot of warming up and doesn’t mind finishing herself off.

So that’s just the tip of the iceberg with me. How about you? You don’t have to go into the detail that I did if you don’t want to.

Oh and the rules:

contest ends at 11:59PM CST on 6/6/10
winners will be picked at random
leave a comment here telling me how you define your sexuality
leave a comment on Mistress Kay’s blog telling her why you want the DVD
Tweet up to twice per week (on different days) mentioning the contest with a link to either mine or Mistress Kay’s blog as well as an @ on one of us (I’m GarnetJoyce and she’s mistress_kay). If you tweet more than this you will have points deducted for being annoying.

Get crackin!

EDIT: Apparently comments have been getting caught by my spam filter. If this happens, just send me an email with your comment and I’ll post it myself. I will look into fixing this, but it may be difficult since I get a TON of spam and I don’t want to turn anything off.

Interview with Bren Ryder

My first article on my new monthly column, Ethical Pornographer, is now up! In it I interview Bren Ryder of Good Dyke Porn and quite possibly admit to a crush on her.

GJ: What do you think it means to be an ethical pornographer?

BR: To me, to be an ethical pornographer means to put the models first. It’s a big deal to reveal your naked body and express your sexuality on film. So, that needs to be acknowledged and appreciated. Some people are more comfortable about it than others but everyone gets the same treatment: financial compensation, safe and comfortable environment, 100% say on what they do and how they want themselves to be viewed. To me, being an ethical pornographer is all about integrity. It’s important to me that everyone involved fully understands what they are doing.
Read more …

My Identity is Erased

I hate that this even needs to be said, but apparently it does. I am not a lesbian. I have never been a lesbian and I will never be a lesbian.

For most of my life I identified as bisexual, but for the past few years I have identified as queer because bisexual didn’t feel like it fit anymore. I identify as queer because it is a big old umbrella term that allows me to be me. Bisexuality implies there are only two sexes and I do not agree with that. There are more than two biological sexes. If you don’t know this then I highly recommend you read through this website. Educate yourself. Also, sex and gender are two separate things and I believe that there is a whole spectrum of different gender representations and identities and I’m attracted to a whole lot of them. I do not believe in limiting myself. And I believe that sexuality is a complex and fluid thing.

I also stopped identifying as bisexual because I felt like it was a pejorative word. I was judged a whole lot when I would tell people that I was bi. Lesbians didn’t trust me, heterosexual men always asked stupid questions, and society as a whole thought I was going through a phase.

But even if I did identify as bisexual it wouldn’t really matter because the truth is that when I’m in a serious relationship my sexuality is always erased. When I was with a man I was assumed to be heterosexual and being married to a woman means that I’m assumed to be a lesbian. It is so frustrating to have your identity erased.

Am I qualified to teach about how to please men? Um yeah! Hello! I have sucked more cock than probably 90% of you reading this.

Liberal Bias

I was thinking about it today and realized that the reason that the super conservative religious right thinks everything is liberally biased is because they don’t believe in facts. Now before you get in a tizzy, let me clarify this. What I mean by facts is logic, reason, and science. These things do not mesh well with a literal translation of the bible because the bible was written centuries ago when there was a lot less of those things.

How can you possibly reconcile the two things if you believe the bible is to be translated literally? You can’t. And therefore, they choose to believe god, the bible, and religious figures over science. And you just cannot reason with them. You can tell them the facts and point to the research, but it doesn’t matter because in their heart they know that those facts aren’t right. You can’t argue with someone who is coming from a system of beliefs as truths.

So what does this have to do with this blog? I mean heck I’m only supposed to talk about sex, sexuality, gender, and relationships. But religion plays a huge part in all of that. These folks that are ignoring facts ignore the studies that homosexual parents do just as good of a job raising kids as heterosexual parents do. They ignore the fact that abstinence education does not work (and prolonging the time before having sex, but still ending up pregnant because you don’t know anything about contraception is not effective in my opinion). They ignore the fact that homosexual marriage has not ruined heterosexual marriage. They ignore the fact that there are more than two sexes. They ignore the fact that homosexuals are no more likely to molest children than heterosexuals.

And the worst part is that these people aren’t just sitting idly by thinking these things. They’re an active movement. They are trying (and sometimes succeeding) at changing laws to reflect their beliefs which are not based in fact. And anyone who tries to tell them different is an elitist. Because let’s face it, most people who are highly educated tend to believe in facts.

When did education become an evil? When did facts start being ignored? And when did ignoring facts become a big part of public policy? Why are so many people complaining about wasted government spending, but they’re all for throwing money at things that have been shown to not work?

You’ll have to forgive me if you’ve all already realized this before. I was not raised in a religious household and have to come to these conclusions on my own. Like the time when I realized that people got their morality from a book. That one blew my mind.

And I want to be very clear here. As I have said before, I take no issue with religion or the religious themselves. In the vein of the supposedly non-racist, non-sexist, non-homophobic, etc I’d like to say: “My best friend is a Christian, and I have no problem with her.” I take issue when religion is used in the name of hurting and hating others.

The Pain of Losing a Friend

I have this friend. We’ve never been super duper close, but I’ve always thought very fondly of her. When we first met in person around 7 years ago I fell madly in puppy dog love with her. I was 21 and full of immaturity and didn’t understand why we couldn’t be together. I seemed to be doing a lot of that around that age. We lived many states apart and I just wasn’t her type. Heck now that I’m the age she was back then I can understand where she was coming from. I was full of jealousy and it put a schism in our friendship. Many years later I apologized to her for my actions and she forgave me.

In all the time I’ve known her no matter how much we were or weren’t in touch with each other, I always cared deeply for her. And I probably always will. She’s just the kind of person that people tend to be drawn to. People want to be around her. She’s always been a good person with a big loving heart.

Things have changed for her recently. She has been very vulnerable. Her bff broke her trust severely in ways you can’t even imagine. And that was hardly the only thing that took a turn for the worse at this point in her life. She was going through hell. She tried to kill herself. And since then she has been slowly rebuilding her life. When people go through these crazy things and are really vulnerable they’re more susceptible to finding different ways to find happiness. Its kind of like trying to start from scratch. A lot of times, this is when people turn to god. This is what she has done.

Now, I want to say that I have never had and never will have a problem with religion. You can believe whatever you want to believe and do whatever you want to do as long as you’re not hurting anyone else. But when I say “hurt” I also include hate in that. When anyone teaches hate, they hurt themselves and others. That has always been my mantra. I am an atheist, but I’ve never been one to push my beliefs (or lack of belief) on anyone else and I prefer others to not push theirs on me either.

This friend of mine recently posted on her public blog that she no longer supports same-sex marriage. She now believes in marriage between one man and one woman. She has also decided to denounce her queer identity. To see her say such things hurt and angered me. I had to hear it from her directly so I messaged her asking if she did not support my relationship. She responded by saying that while she did not support same-sex marriage (notice how she refuses to make it personal), she supports my happiness.

I have to ask, how can someone possibly support my happiness without supporting my relationship? That’s like saying that you want someone to have a nourished, healthy body, but then saying that you think it is wrong of them to use their teeth to chew their food. Sure, there are things that you could eat that don’t require chewing, but its going to be pretty difficult eating healthfully if you can’t chew. I love my wife. She is an enormous part of my life. Could I live with out her? Yeah, probably. Could I be happy? Not for a very long time and I’m not sure that I would ever find that kind of happiness again. It would be different if our relationship turned sour, but at least for right now and for the past several years, she has been an amazing addition to my life. I do not want to imagine a life without her.

I wanted to say all of this to her and more, but the thing is that she used to be queer. She knows all the arguments. She knows that I’ll bring up the hospital visitation rights and the ability to care for each other easily. She knows all that stuff because she used to be on our side. And yet, it doesn’t matter to her apparently. But I needed to say it somewhere so I’m saying it here. Its a cathartic release for me.

She also said that she does not support most straight marriages just as she didn’t before. I’m not sure that she realizes the hypocrisy in this statement. Heterosexual marriages get to be judged on a case by case basis, but my marriage, no matter how loving and healthy, gets tossed out immediately because we’re both women.

I’ve been spending the past few days just going through so many emotions because of her change. And not being even that close means that most people don’t really understand why I’m so upset about it. Luckily, I’ve had several mutual friends/acquaintances to commiserate with. She touched a lot of us in the community I met her through. And we’re all left wondering if she is going to demand a removal from that community (the religious tend to not like porn).

Last night when talking with a mutual friend he said something along the lines of “Its just such a shock. She seemed like the kind of girl who would give up breathing rather than become anti-gay and turn straight.” So true.

The hurt, anger, and sadness are all there. I’ve always felt that I cannot be friends with anyone who does not support my relationship. I don’t want to give up on her, but I don’t know what to do.

Free Queer Porn Today Only!!!

NoFauxxx.com is letting everyone in for free today! Go check out some amazingly hot free queer porn using login: friend pw: fauxxx. If you love hot queer sex as much as I do, you won’t be disappointed by the 2009 Best of the Bay Best Queer Porn Award winner.