You should subscribe to the RSS feed. Have a question? Ask me anything.Thanks for visiting! This was recently asked on the message boards of a site I hang out on by a person who is super awesome and near and dear to my heart. I responded there, but I decided I’d post my response here as well since amazingly enough, after 2+ years I don’t have a single post on how to give a blowjob on this blog.
I’m queer, mostly dating genderqueer ‘girls’/bois/trans, etc, but I will date born-men, too. It’s just been less common. Since my last break up I’ve been on a man-bender, but oral sex is kinda personal…I haven’t been with that many dudes and it’s been years since I’ve given a blowjob on anything more than a dildo where it’s the same in many ways, but different.
So tips for giving head! I know you have ‘em. …no teeth is a given, I’m not daft  Go!
Enthusiasm is key. You have to actually enjoy doing it and want to do it. That always makes things hotter. Take time to look him in the eye and moan while you’re sucking him off.
Start off a bit slow. Don’t go right into the sucking. Lick and stroke his cock, getting it nice and slippery.
Use both hands and your mouth. Get everything into the action! Stroke his cock with one (lubed or saliva’d) hand like you’re following the stripes on a barber pole, follow that hand with your mouth, and use the other one to play with his balls, perineum, and ass if he’s willing. While you’re doing this pay special attention to his frenulum, which is on the underside of the head of the penis. This is one of the most sensitive areas on most men.
To make it even more fun you can straddle his thigh while he lays on his back so that you can grind your cunt into his leg. Breasts brushing against body parts can also help. Really blow jobs are a whole body activity, but many women are only using their mouths.
Also, don’t worry about slobbering. The more slobber the better. And most men seem to enjoy the slurpy noises that go along with it.
Keep in mind that these instructions are a jumping off point. Ultimately the most important part of pleasing your partner is paying attention. You have to pay attention to the way they react to you and what you’re doing. Ask questions, experiment, and have fun. Everyone is different and that’s what makes sex interesting.
(This question was originally asked by a cis-female, but the answer can be adapted to other genders as well. Rub whatever body parts your partner finds to be sexy on their body. Um … not including your eyes … unless you’re both into that …)
I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL lately. I love writing this blog, but I’ve just been too busy. What with working 6 days a week AND planning a wedding its just been too hard. And this isn’t going to change until after the wedding most likely. So don’t expect to hear too much from me until after the big day (March 21st!). But if you’re hard up to read up on sex let me give you some great book recommendations to keep you busy until I have a little more time.
- Good Vibrations Guide to Sex 3rd edition- This book is an all inclusive book on sex that features drawings of all kinds of people with all kinds of bodies and kinks. I highly recommend it.
- I Love Female Orgasm- And who doesn’t? This is a great book to learn more about women, their anatomy, their desires, and how to make them happy. It is especially useful for women who may have a hard time having orgasms
- Opening Up- This is a great book for those interested in non-monogamous relationships of all kinds. Don’t be a cheater! If you don’t dig monogamy learn how to be honest and have fulfilling relationships.
- Healing Sex- Have you or someone you love been the victim of sexual abuse? This book can really help get past those traumas to have a healthy sexual relationship again.
- Sex for One- This book literally changed my life. Its all about female masturbation and loving your body.
- She Comes First- This is a fabulous and extremely informative book on giving oral sex to women.
- The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability- This is a great book for anyone who has or is with someone who has a disability or suffers from chronic pain. Learn how to make sex easier and better.
- Yes Means Yes- This is easily one of the best books I’ve ever read. This book is very different from the rest. It is full of feminist essays with the goal of changing our culture of rape. One of the strongest messages to walk away with is how we view consent. We should be celebrating sex and sexuality and seeking out enthusiastic consent instead of just hoping to not hear a ‘no.’ And for those of you in Chicago, the editors of Yes Means Yes will be at Women and Children First bookstore on February 19th at 7:30.
Can anyone else recommend any good books about sex?
Hey Garnet,
I have an occasional problem when I start to go down on my girlfriend. There is nothing wrong about smell or taste, but for some reason, I get a gag reflex and can’t continue. As you can imagine, this makes her feel self-conscious and I am just embarrassed. Do you have any advice?
First of all you two need to sit down and talk about this when nothing sexy is going on. Tell her that you love the way she tastes and smells and that you really like pleasing her. Then tell her that you don’t understand why you gag sometimes and that it has NOTHING to do with her and everything to do with you. Tell her that you’re going to try to figure out why this happens and that you need her help and understanding along the way. Even if she really truly understands that it is not her that is making you gag, she will still take it personally when you do gag because it is difficult to not feel that way. And so when it does happen you need to reassure her. Becoming defensive is the last thing you want to do.
What you also need to do is figure out why this is happening. This is not something I can tell you without knowing more. So you have to figure this out. What is different about the times you gag? Does it happen after eating certain foods or on an empty stomach? Does it happen at a certain time of day? Does it happen at a certain time in her cycle? Have you been drinking or doing drugs? What goes through your head right before you gag? Is there a possibility that it could be a strange side effect from any medications you’re taking (believe me there are some really odd side effects out there)? Is your stomach feeling unsettled? Where are you emotionally? What is the state of your relationship when this happens? What were you doing earlier in the day? What has she been doing that day? Are there any feelings of jealousy or insecurity going on? When was the last time she bathed? Ask for her help in trying to figure out a connection.
You may find that there is a link. I actually have a somewhat similar issue when it comes to my own morning breath and oral sex. I cannot go down on a woman if I have morning breath. It doesn’t make me gag, but it does make me feel sick. So I learned that if I want to go down first thing in the morning I have to get up and brush my teeth first and then everything is just hunky dory. It might be that simple for you, but it also may be more complicated.
I really hope you figure this out! And if you do then you can either just make sure to not go down on her at those times or figure out a way around it like I did with brushing my teeth. If you need to talk more about it let me know and we can talk privately.
My husband and I waited until we were married (this past June) to have sex (we didn’t do anything more than kiss). We’ve had a really difficult time figuring out how to make things work, partly because we’re both new to this, and partly because it still really hurts at the beginning for me. Also, we can only figure out where to put his penis to get it inside me about half the time, which can be frustrating. I’ve been to my doctor and she said that there weren’t any physical problems, but because of the pain, I find it really hard to be interested, which my husband understands but also finds frustrating. Any suggestions?
My biggest suggestion is to stop having intercourse for awhile. I’m thinking you should completely take it off the table for a month or two. You two need to learn what feels good without the pressure of intercourse. This will take a lot of trust and communication between the two of you and can help with not only building a happy healthy sex life, but also a happy healthy marriage. I want you to strictly stick to kissing, petting, and oral sex. Since all you did before marriage was kiss I’m going to assume that neither of you has any real experience with playing either. Try touching, caressing, kissing, licking, and nibbling all over each other’s bodies and give each other feedback on what feels great, just ok, or bad. Experiment with each other and have fun. Don’t make it a serious event. Make sure that you can both laugh and enjoy each other. Remember that the goal of this is not orgasm, but to learn how to touch each other and learn what feels good.
Once you feel ready, I suggest having your husband penetrate your vagina with one or two fingers so that you can both learn what feels good for you. What type of pressure you like, what type of speed, what type of angle works for you. Fingers have more dexterity, which will make it a lot easier to experiment than penetration with his penis. Before starting this process though you should both be as relaxed and turned on as possible.
I have a feeling that one of the reasons you may be experiencing pain during intercourse is that you are afraid it will hurt and therefore tense your vaginal muscles which makes it hurt more. Another possibility is that you have not been producing the lubrication needed in order to make things go more smoothly. This could be caused by a number or issues, but the more aroused you are, the more likely you are to become well lubricated. You can also try using a water based or silicone based lubricant if you find that you are drying out from friction or just not becoming wet enough for pleasurable sexual activity. A lot of sex toy shops carry lube samplers which will give you little 1 oz samples of several different types of lube. Try several out and find your favorite.
Another suggestion: masturbation. If you don’t already, both of you should start masturbating in order to figure out how you like to be touched. Once you get the hang of it and if you feel comfortable, try masturbating in front of each other to show each other how you like being touched. It will be educational and really sexy.
Since you both are pretty new to the sex thing in general I’m going to recommend a very general and all encompassing book: The Guide to Getting in On by Paul Joannides. It will help you learn about your own and each other’s bodies as well as give you ideas to experiment with. In my opinion, and in the opinions of many others, it is the best sex education book ever written.
In an ever growing world, for those looking to improve what oral skills they may have, what advice can you give to someone who wishes to improve their oral skills when going down on a woman?
1. Communication
2. Listen
3. Watch
4. Learn
5. Experiment
My advice above all advice on anything when it comes to learning how to better please your partner is communication. Ask her what she wants. If she doesn’t have any ideas experiment with different things and have her tell you what feels good and what doesn’t. People seem to have a fear of talking to their partner and asking them what they like, but how else are you supposed to figure it out? No one should just expect to know how to please their partner and no one should expect that their partner should just know what to do. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship and a healthy sex life.
Listen to your partner. Don’t just listen to what she is telling you; listen to her breathing and her moaning. Pay attention to the sounds she is making.
Watch your partner. Watch her body to see how it moves and responds to what you’re doing. Are her hips tilting toward you? If so you’re probably doing a great job. Are her hips pulling away? You’re probably doing too much too fast. Watch her hands, her writhing. Watching your partner’s reactions to what you are doing for her is not only incredibly sexy, it is also very informative.
If you want to learn more techniques that maybe you and your partner haven’t thought about there are lots of resources out there. If you live in a big liberal city look into workshops that may be held at places like feminist sex toy shops. Early to Bed in Chicago and Good Vibrations in San Francisco, for example, both hold lots of different workshops about sex. Books are another great option. I highly recommend The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides. It is really an amazing book that contains all things sexual. It has history, attitudes, anatomy, how to, etc. Another book to pick up that specifically deals with oral sex is She Comes First by Ian Kerner.
Just remember that you shouldn’t be afraid to experiment to figure out what works for your partner. Try adding sex toys into the mix as well. A mini vibrating bullet under your tongue can be quite magical. Try teasing her more before you even get to her vulva. Make her beg you to lick her clit. You can even experiment with changing the temperature of your mouth by drinking something cold or hot right before you go down on her. Just make sure that what you’re drinking doesn’t have sugar in it as that could cause problems for her.
And above all, have fun! If you’re not having fun it is not any fun for the receiver.
What safe sex methods should female couples use?
One thing I want to clarify is that there is no such thing as safe sex. All sex is risky, but so are most fun things. That is why everyone should take special precautions to have safER sex. It’s like wearing a seatbelt in a car just in case you get into an accident.
Regardless of what many people seem to believe, women who have sex with women can pass STIs between each other just like any other sexually active couple/trio/etc. That being said, there are several ways that female couples can help to protect themselves. (All of these methods can also be used by heterosexual couples.)
For oral sex there are dental dams which are latex barriers which are often flavored and are spread over the vulva. Dental dams can be kind of pricey though so another option is cutting up a condom or even using saran wrap. If you do use saran wrap, make sure it is not the kind that is microwave safe as it is porous and the germies will be able to pass through it. When using a barrier like a dental dam it is best to spread lube on the side that will be on the female receiving the oral sex so that it feels more like a wet tongue than a piece of plastic. The giver can put something yummy to lick on their side too to make it more fun.
Dental dams and saran wrap can also be used for analingus aka rimming.
When manually stimulating your female partner’s vulva or anus one should use latex gloves or vinyl gloves if either you or your partner has a latex allergy. Also make sure to use a lot of lube, especially during anal play.
When using sex toys, especially when sharing, it is wise to put a condom on them and change the condom whenever changing orifices. That means, change it when going from vaginal to anal, anal to vaginal, or from person to person. And don’t forget the lube! It really might just be easier to get several sex toys.
A note on lube: Do not use oil based lubes like Vaseline with latex and never use them in the vagina. The only safe time to use an oil based lube is during anal play when using a non-latex barrier like polyurethane condoms or vinyl gloves.
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Under 18? Get your sex-ed at Scarleteen instead.
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