We all know what impotence means for men. Afterall, there are tons of commercials for Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, etc on TV all the damned time. Although, they usually call it erectile dysfunction these days so as not to upset the men folks, but I wanted to use a single word to describe what it is in both men and women. Granted, it actually is the same thing in women as men: erectile dysfunction. Although in women it is rarely called that. In women its called Female Sexual Arousal Disorder. I don’t know about you, but erectile dysfunction is a much nicer way of saying it. In fact, I think I’d prefer calling it impotence for everyone than calling women’s inability to get an erection Female Sexual Arousal Disorder. That sounds horribly sex negative.

Enough with the rant, what does it mean? People spend so much time talking about the differences between men and women that it almost seems like we’re two different species. But the reality is that we all start out female in the womb and either continue to develop as a female or the course gets altered and we become male. This means that our bodies are pretty much made up of the exact same stuff. Heck, why do you think men have nipples?

Sure, our genitals look pretty different from each other, but they’re actually strikingly similar. There is erectile tissue in both the clitoris and the penis and when any healthy, able-bodied person becomes aroused they sport an erection. Its just that some of ours are smaller and more internal than others. Its hard to ignore a man’s erection when its sticking out at you and its pretty obvious when he is having a difficult time getting or maintaining his erection. Sexual partners often take it personally or think that he is not a “real man” and the man with the limp dick often freaks out about it and starts asking the wrong questions of himself. Instead of asking things like “Am I really attracted to her? Am I gay? Am I not virile enough?,” he should be asking “What is different? Am I on any new medications that cause side effects? Have I changed my diet recently? When is the last time I had a prostate exam? Have I been really stressed out lately? Am I in bad health?”

When a woman becomes sexually aroused, we don’t think of her as having an erection, but she really does. Maybe its because our society focuses on one side of sex and not the other? Arousal in women is often judged by how wet she gets, not how big her clit gets. But if her clit does not become erect, it will be very difficult for her to have an orgasm, just like it is very difficult for men to have an orgasm when not erect. So while it is obvious when men experience erectile dysfunction because their cock isn’t waving at you, it becomes a bit more obvious when a woman cannot have an orgasm that she can normally achieve. However, it isn’t obvious as to what the reasoning is. A woman may still feel pretty aroused despite her clit not being erect. Or she may just feel her sex drive drop. And there really aren’t any pills out there for women to help with this dysfunction. But I don’t really think Viagra for women is going to fix the problem either if a woman doesn’t know why she isn’t becoming aroused or orgasmic. First, women need to learn more about their bodies in order to understand the way it changes.

So smoking effects the ability for both men and women to get an erection because nicotine is a vasoconstrictor, which means that it tightens blood vessels and constricts blood flow. This obviously has a big effect on how the blood flows into the genitals.

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This post, Female Impotence, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 02/26/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Female Impotence. Thanks for visiting!
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There are a lot of comments on this post, but I prefer to respond to the article with one of my own. So this is my response.

First of all, lets just get into the issue of porn. Her issue is that she feels that the women of porn are an ideal she can’t live up to. This hits on some of the themes I tackled in a previous post and the problem is really similar. While the woman who wrote in to me was comparing herself to the women in porn, The Kinky Jew feels the need to compete with them. Neither of these are very productive. Mainstream porn just isn’t real. Most people don’t look like that and most people don’t fuck like that. Honestly, I wouldn’t even want to fuck like most people in mainstream porn. It looks like a whole lot of no fun to me. This is why I tend to not watch mainstream porn. I prefer porn that I find hot. Maybe the Kinky Jew should follow suit? Especially if what she wants is average looking women fucking then she should definitely watch amateur porn.

She also complains about this supposedly wide spread epidemic of squirting in porn. What porn is she watching? There is definitely a niche for squirting porn just like there is a niche for bondage and foot worship, but these things are hardly in every or even close to most porn you’ll find. I actually have a friend who went to LA to get into the porn business because she LOVES fucking and she was treated as a bit of a freak because she is a squirter. So yeah … Definitely not everywhere.

The Kinky Jew feels that this is just one more area in which she has to compete with the ladies of porn. I can understand that feeling. But I don’t feel like that pressure is just from porn. I feel like that pressure comes from the sex business in general and consumerism as a whole. We are always made to feel inadequate for not having or doing certain things. I have women who come into the sex shop all the time who are frustrated because they can’t seem to get this huge amazing orgasm from their g-spot. They’ve read about it from sex educators or Cosmo or talked about it with their friends. They can’t get their g-spot to work right and it makes them feel like something is wrong with them or they are less of a woman because of this. And g-spot stimulation and squirting often go hand in hand here. In talking to these women I often find that they have wonderful clitoral orgasms, but they’ve been made to feel like that is just not enough. The g-spot doesn’t do it for everyone. For some people it just makes them feel like they have to pee. The same is the case for squirting. You shouldn’t feel inadequate for not doing something that other women can do, but you also shouldn’t shun them for it. As long as we can derive pleasure from sex, what does it matter what hot new spot is out there? Sure try it if you want to, but if it doesn’t work for you don’t despair. There are women out there who are just struggling to have an orgasm or even enjoy sex at all.

And on that note, in the About the Site section, the owner of the site (not sure who since there are several contributors) talks about how the purpose of this blog is to reclaim her own sexuality after her libido and her vagina dried up. This sounds like it would be a sex positive journey, but this and several other posts on this blog are actually very shaming.

How could it not be shaming to say that squirting is disgusting? The Kinky Jew says that it is unclean and compares it to unnatural and magic acts. Squirting is NORMAL. Not all women do it, but there are many women who do. And one of the reasons that many people find it to be a desirable trait is because it is a physical representation of a woman’s pleasure. After your husband has ejaculated have you ever rubbed it all over your body and thought that it felt really sexy? Its kind of like that. His ejaculate is a physical representation of his orgasm and its fucking hot.

And now for story time:
When I was much younger and first starting to explore my sexuality I fucked this guy for hours and hours and hours. It wasn’t non-stop; I was also doing laundry. Multi-tasking! Sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, repeat. It helped that at the time I liked wearing sexy dresses with no undies while I did my laundry. At one point when I was on top of him I just gushed all over him. Odd thing was that I hadn’t even had an orgasm – I wasn’t orgasming with partners yet. I also didn’t know what female ejaculation was. Neither of us really freaked out about it, but we kind of sniffed at it to make sure it wasn’t pee- it didn’t smell like it. We just kind of laughed it off and assumed it was my body’s way of saying “Ok enough already jeez!”

A couple years later I was in a relatively steady relationship with a guy and every so often when I’d orgasm I’d ejaculate. I didn’t know what was going on and it was super embarrassing to me. I knew I wasn’t peeing, but I didn’t really know what was happening and I thought it weird and would stop all action after it happened.

About a year later I kind of put two and two together and figured out that I was ejaculating, but still wasn’t super comfortable with it. And then I became a camgirl. A fellow porn model friend of mine bought me an amazing glass dildo for my birthday and when I would masturbate with it I would gush gallons every single time. The arousal I experienced of being watched, combined with the amazing g-spot pressure created by the glass dildo, always made me soak through towels folded up several times. And the people who watched me LOVED IT! They loved the faces of pure ecstasy I would make combined with the squirting. It really helped me to embrace my squirting to know that others found it to be hot. Soon after that I dated a guy who loved to be covered in my ejaculate. And that helped even more.

And then … I started to experience more and more pain in my body. Pain that doctors have not been able to explain. And that once amazing glass dildo started to hurt. Since then I have been able to achieve amazing g-spot orgasms again with softer materials, but I no longer squirt. At first it made me feel inadequate, but I got over that and learned to embrace the pleasure that my body could still create. I will admit that the one thing I don’t miss is the clean-up. But that wasn’t really a huge problem anyways. Most of the time I felt like it was totally worth it.

However, there were times where squirting did make me feel a bit like a circus freak. That was when I had partners who would seem to be solely in the sex for the squirting. Needless to say, those partners did not last long.

So I guess what I’m trying to say here is that we shouldn’t shame people for how they experience pleasure. What people’s bodies do naturally in the throes of ecstasy can be very embarrassing when they are told that it is disgusting, impossible, or wrong. Instead, we should be celebrating healthy sexuality. If its not your cup of tea or its not something that you can do, that’s fine, but lets not shun others for consensual activity. And also, if what you want is amateur porn then watch amateur porn!

For more info on squirting check out my previous blog post explaining what it is, where it comes from, and how it happens here.

**UPDATE: The Kinky Jew has replied to all of the responses to her blog post here. I for one agree with her on the way the comments got out of hand. Just because we can’t see you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be held responsible for what you say. People felt very strongly about the subject, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have an intelligent debate that doesn’t devolve into name calling and holocaust references. I accept her apology for having offended me and I hope that she agrees that my arguments were completely respectful. I tried to keep them as such.**

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This post, In Defense of Squirting, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 11/25/2009. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: In Defense of Squirting. Thanks for visiting!
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He’s taking too long to cum. This is very inconsiderate of him IF he is doing it on purpose. Some men seem to think that they should last forever. But some men also aren’t as easy to cum as other men are. It can make you feel inadequate if you are used to a man who does cum quickly. I highly suggest talking to him about it. Saying something along the lines of “I really enjoy playing and having sex with you, but I’ve noticed that you don’t cum. Is there anything that I can do to help? I want you to fully enjoy our time together and I’d love to make you cum, but I’m not gonna lie, even though its fun, it gets really tiring after 45 min to an hour.” He may not even realize that you’re getting tired or he may actually need you to bring up his issues with cumming to help him get through it. Keep in mind that he may say that he needs to jerk himself off in order to cum. And remember that that isn’t anything against you. He’s probably just trained himself to the stimulation that his hand brings. And everything you do up to that point makes it waaaaay better than he could’ve done on his own. If this is the case and you’d like to be more involved in his cumming you two can switch between him stroking himself and you stimulating him until he gets a little more used to the kind of stimulation you provide and the possibility of cumming.

One thing to keep in mind also is that everyone is responsible for their own orgasms. You are not responsible for giving him an orgasm and nor is he responsible for giving you an orgasm. Communicating your needs and desires will go a long way in helping you both achieve orgasm.

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This post, Taking Too Long, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 09/09/2009. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Taking Too Long. Thanks for visiting!
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- Good Vibrations Guide to Sex 3rd edition- This book is an all inclusive book on sex that features drawings of all kinds of people with all kinds of bodies and kinks. I highly recommend it.

- I Love Female Orgasm- And who doesn’t? This is a great book to learn more about women, their anatomy, their desires, and how to make them happy. It is especially useful for women who may have a hard time having orgasms

- Opening Up- This is a great book for those interested in non-monogamous relationships of all kinds. Don’t be a cheater! If you don’t dig monogamy learn how to be honest and have fulfilling relationships.

- Healing Sex- Have you or someone you love been the victim of sexual abuse? This book can really help get past those traumas to have a healthy sexual relationship again.

- Sex for One- This book literally changed my life. Its all about female masturbation and loving your body.

- She Comes First- This is a fabulous and extremely informative book on giving oral sex to women.

- The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability- This is a great book for anyone who has or is with someone who has a disability or suffers from chronic pain. Learn how to make sex easier and better.

- Yes Means Yes- This is easily one of the best books I’ve ever read. This book is very different from the rest. It is full of feminist essays with the goal of changing our culture of rape. One of the strongest messages to walk away with is how we view consent. We should be celebrating sex and sexuality and seeking out enthusiastic consent instead of just hoping to not hear a ‘no.’ And for those of you in Chicago, the editors of Yes Means Yes will be at Women and Children First bookstore on February 19th at 7:30.

Can anyone else recommend any good books about sex?

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This post, AWOL, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 02/10/2009. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: AWOL. Thanks for visiting!
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Yes, Kegels are super important! They are one of the best exercises anyone can do no matter what sexual equipment you were born with or have elected to have. For those of you who don’t know what Kegel exercises are or how to do them, they are a way to tone your pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle). The PC muscle forms the pelvic floor and when strong can help prevent incontinence, make orgasms stronger, and can help men to delay ejaculation if they desire. The way to flex this muscle is by squeezing the way you would if you were trying to make yourself stop peeing midstream. In order to figure out how to do it you can stop yourself from peeing a few times, but I don’t recommend doing this regularly. The great thing about exercising your PC muscles is that you can do it anytime anywhere and no one will even know. You can do it at the grocery store, while talking to your boss, while pumping gas, while cleaning, etc. The possibilities are endless.

And you’re right, doing them during pregnancy is a great idea. Having strong PC muscles will help you to give birth more easily by making it easier to push and lessening your chances of tearing during labor. You should also do kegels after you give birth as this will help get everything back into shape faster.

While exercise equipment is not necessary to do kegels, it can make it more fun. Unfortunately there isn’t a whole lot of price range out there as you will need sex toys that are heavy and heavy materials tend to cost more money.

The cheapest option at about $28 would probably be Smart Balls. You insert one or both balls, leaving the string outside of your body like a tampon and you squeeze the balls with your PC muscles. For resistance you can pull on the string. While these can be fun, there is nothing orgasmic about them. Some people find them to be pleasurable, but there are other options out there that are more likely to get more of a rise out of you.

The other options I would suggest would be heavy dildos, often made out of stainless steel. These you can use during masturbation by inserting the dildo into your vagina and rhythmically squeezing your muscles around it towards orgasm. I highly recommend using a vibrator on your clit in conjunction with the weighted dildo. Here are some options of dildos that you can try, their weights, and their prices:
- Natural Contours Energie 1 lb $50
- Betty Dodson’s Vaginal Barbell just under 1 lb $76
- The Kegelcisor just under 1 lb $84
- njoy’s Fun Wand 12oz $88
- njoy’s Pure Wand 1.5 lbs currently on sale for $91.80
- or if you’re really hardcore there is njoy’s eleven weighing in at 2.75 lbs and costing $300

These toys are all made of high quality materials so consider it to be an investment that will last a really long time. And while you can easily warm these stainless steel toys with warm water before hand, Betty Dodson (one of my heroes and the queen of masturbation and female orgasms) suggests starting with the dildo cold so that your muscles will automatically start to clamp around it. Also, be sure to use lube when using these or any dildos. All of these toys, with the exception of the Smart Balls, can be used with either water or silicone based lubes.

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This post, Kegel Toys, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 10/04/2008. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Kegel Toys. Thanks for visiting!
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So what is the key to better sex? What is the one tried and true method? Well you may hate me for saying it, but its masturbation. Exploring, learning, and understanding your body is the key to fantastic sex. And once you can understand your body and what it is that really gets you off, then you have to also communicate that to your partner and realize that you are responsible for your own pleasure. If you don’t believe me, here is a post written by a very famous sex blogger on exactly this topic.

Sex by Girl with a one-track mind

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This post, The Key to Better Sex, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 07/12/2008. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: The Key to Better Sex. Thanks for visiting!
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