I am a 19 year old female and I want to know: Why can I get myself off, but find myself unable to orgasm when with a partner? No matter how good, or how long, or whatever else have you… they just can’t seem to get me off. How frustrating!

19 is young and a lot of women haven’t even had their first orgasm by themselves by that age. It takes a lot of women longer to figure out their bodies than it does men because in this society we are taught that good girls don’t have sexual feelings and don’t touch themselves. And also because men’s genitals are all out there and they touch them several times a day just to pee. So yay you for being able to orgasm from masturbation!

But now that you’ve figured out what makes you orgasm (i.e. what kinds of touches, sensations, and fantasies) its time to take that with you into the bedroom. You can’t give all of the responsibility of your orgasm to your partner. That’s too much pressure. Everyone is different and your partner may have made their previous lover scream with multiple orgasms, but they don’t know how to please you until you tell them. They can play a guessing game or you can tell/show them exactly how to get you off and it will be a lot more fun for both of you. A lot of people seem to think that we should just know how to please each other, but in my opinion that’s a recipe for boring, unsatisfying sex.

If you have a difficult time putting into words how you like to be touched then you can always show your partner. Watching the object of your desire masturbate isn’t just educational, it’s also a huge turn on.

There are also many women who expect to be able to orgasm during vaginal penetration without any sort of other stimulation. This is just not possible for a lot of women. And believe me there are not too many people out there who would have a problem with their partner reaching down and playing with their clit during sex or even bringing a vibrator into the mix. If your partner is intimidated at all by this then tell them that you love the way the penetration feels, but there are very few women who can orgasm without clitoral stimulation and you are one of them. Offer the option to let them play with your clit during penetration as well. If they are interested in getting you off they won’t turn it down.

But maybe there is something else standing in your way? I know that when I was younger, and I’ve heard many similar stories from women, I was actually a bit afraid of orgasming in front of someone else. Having an orgasm in front of someone else can be very vulnerable because you basically lose control of your body at that peak of excitement. What will your face look like? Will you be too loud? Too quiet? Will you fart? Will you queef? Will your body writhe about strangely?

Most likely your face will contort in crazy ways and you will make strange sounds, but when in the midst of an orgasm those things will be extremely sexy to your partner. Orgasms aren’t the clean polished things you may see in a lot of mainstream porn. They are sweaty weird wonderfully sexy things. Check out Beautiful Agony for real people having real orgasms. They have a great free preview filled with lots of people cumming.

And then there’s the possibility of farting or queefing when you orgasm. Those things happen to everyone and the best way to deal with them is to either ignore them or to laugh them off. There’s no need to get embarrassed.

So if the issue is fear then hopefully realizing that orgasms are incredibly sexy things will help. Having a partner you feel comfortable with and trust can help a lot too.

Relax, get comfortable, and keep trying. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. And until then if you feel the need to orgasm during a hot sex session you can always masturbate.

This is a rather interesting one because I actually got emails from two people asking the same question who are in a relationship together. They did not originally know that they had both written to me, but came to realize this later.

Partner #1:
Dear Garnet,

I’m a 23 year old woman who has never, ever been able to achieve orgasm, whether it be through intercourse, masturbation or cunnilingus. I pretty much can’t feel anything in my vulva region (but I’m certain it’s not a technique issue). The closest I can get is a slight, pleasurable sensation when I masturbate, and even then, my clitoris completely loses sensation after a few seconds… and on top of that, if I’m too aroused, I feel absolutely nothing. This is very frustrating for me and my partner, and it ultimately makes both of us feel inadequate. I had repeated, severe UTIs as a young child, could this have somehow damaged my ability to orgasm?

Partner #2:
My girlfriend seems to have very little clitoral and vaginal sensitivity. Using my fingers and enough pressure, I can stimulate her clitoris, but it’s an all or nothing approach. Too little pressure and she has no pleasurable reaction; it’s just a sensation and nothing else. Any other pressure creates too much stimulation, and she often times has to ask me to stop. She also gets very little stimulation from oral sex. She’s also never had an orgasm before.

I was wondering if you had any advice for us?

First of all, I love that you are both working together on this and communicating. That is really really important. I’m sure it is very frustrating for the both of you, but even more frustrating if you weren’t talking about it and being honest with each other.

The first thing that I recommend sex-wise is to keep doing what you’re doing. Keep experimenting with different kinds of touch and keep communicating about what seems to work and what doesn’t. Keep an open mind and try all kinds of different things including sex toys, fantasies, talking dirty, having sex in different rooms of the house even. Just be really open to anything that might strike your fancy and don’t focus on trying to achieve orgasm. Just figure out what feels good for the both of you. And above all, Partner #2: don’t ask Partner #1 if she orgasmed. That will put pressure on her. You can ask her what felt good and if there’s anything she’d like you to do differently the next time, but try not to put the focus on orgasm as being the goal here. Mutual enjoyment and pleasure is the goal.

The second thing I want to recommend is for Partner #1 to really spend a lot more time masturbating, but don’t think of it as homework or even something you have to do. Think of it as a fun past time. I don’t want you to try to orgasm either. Just spend time touching yourself. And when I say touch yourself, I don’t just mean your genitals. Touch all over your body, learn your body. Try different types of touches: rough, soft, tickly. Try different ways of touching yourself whether its with your hands, vibrators, or scooching yourself under your bathtub faucet. Try different fantasies, watching porn, or reading erotica. Have fun and remember that a lot of women have a hard time finding what works for them, but that almost all of them do actually find what works. The orgasmless woman is pretty much a myth. It just takes some women longer than others. The hardest part really is just trying to stay positive and its not always going to be easy. But if you can try to switch your goal from orgasm to just figuring out what feels good then you’ll have a lot more fun in the process.

I also highly recommend the book I Love Female Orgasm. It is filled with all kinds of helpful information including a chapter specifically for women who are pre-orgasmic.

And, Partner #1, if you really are worried about the possibility of your severe UTIs as a child effecting your sex life now, talk to your doctor. Get copies of your old medical records even. I doubt that it would’ve had any real effect, but your doctor will know more than I do about that kind of thing.

**7/8/08 EDIT: I was just informed by one of the people who wrote that actually they didn’t know each other. It was just a really big coincidence that they wrote me about the same problem within two days of each other.**