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Business Ethics

Warning: The following is a rant in which I do not talk much at all about sex, but instead reveal my left-leaning views. As if you were surprised that I was a lefty! Also, because it’s kind of ranty it doesn’t always flow as nicely as it should. Tough!

In response to the whole Eden Fantasys debacle I’ve found a lot of people who have left comments either for or against them who say things along the lines of “they’re a business and they can do whatever they want.” When exactly did we start having that mentality? Shouldn’t we expect more from the businesses we support? They are there to serve us really. And yet they’re expected to only serve themselves. They’re expected to poison us until they’re told not to. They’re expected to pollute our environment until they’re told not to. They’re expected to use slave labor until they’re told not to.

Some seem to think that the biggest reason that EF was in the wrong was because they purported to be the sex shop you can trust. But if you don’t think businesses are trustworthy then why would you take their word for it? Sounds like a world of hurt.

Seriously, why do we accept that businesses will be conniving for profit? Why are they allowed to throw tantrums when people try to do anything to regulate them – even if they were in the wrong in the first place? Hello bank failures anyone? Plummeting economy? Remember that?

We have given businesses too much freedom. They need to answer to society. Otherwise they will destroy society and our planet. Has anyone even been paying any attention to BP and that horrific oil spill?

What is this? The industrial revolution? We passed laws to protect employees and consumers and yet people are still being poisoned by their sex toys because they are unregulated.

Can you tell I don’t believe in the “free market?” The free market allows for businesses to screw everyone over. Without regulations people die and the earth suffers. We need to push our government for legal regulations. Failing that, we have to try to self-regulate and vote with our dollars. This is extremely difficult, especially for people who have lower incomes or none at all. And it all ends up being kind of cyclical. People can only afford to shop at Walmart because they buy from Walmart which drives the economy downwards.

I try to vote with my dollars when I can, but I don’t make much money and I have a wife who is in grad school. Plus with the fact that I work pretty much constantly, I’m limited in how much research I can do and how much time I can spend searching out products and services I can believe in. I realize a lot of people have this problem. I also realize that a lot of people don’t care because they don’t understand how it all affects them.

Anyways, my goal is to make the world a little bit safer. A friend and I are currently working out a system in which to certify the ethical conduct of adult business. I will say more when we get closer to launch. I’m just full of surprises! ;)

10 Sexual Myths

Speaking of sex positivity, I just read a fantastic article over at Feministing which discusses a compilation of sexual myths that a panel came up with at the Rethinking Virginity Conference at Harvard. This relates to my previous articles because our narrow definitions of and great value placed on virginity is extremely sex negative. It implies that the only kind of valuable sex is heterosexual penis in vagina sex and it also implies that a woman’s body becomes devalued the more often she has sex. It implies that the sex itself will be less good with a woman who has had lots of sex. I tend to think that that is the opposite of true. The more experience we have doing something, the better we get at it. Practice, practice, practice.

Here are the myths they came up with (go to the article to read what they have to say about each myth):

The hymen is THE definitive marker of virginity.
Valuing virginity protects girls and women.
Queer sex doesn’t “count”
You can only “lose it” once.
Sex within marriage is the “healthiest” kind.
There’s one universal definition of sex.
Slut-shaming plays an important social role by discouraging “risky” behavior.
Teens should learn that sex is dangerous so they won’t put themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancy and/or STIs.
Teens don’t want to talk about sex with their parents.
There is no such thing as sex-positive abstinence.

Sex Positivity

In reference to one of my status updates on facebook one of my friends asked what it meant to be sex positive. Another friend linked the original friend to the wikipedia page about it, which in my opinion isn’t great. So I figured I would give my own definition of what it means to be sex positive.

I think a lot of people have slightly different variations on the meaning, but the shortest summation I can come up with for my own definition is: Sex is good and healthy when done safely and consensually.

That seems really simple, but unfortunately Western society is very sex negative. Sex is only really acceptable in the confines of a heterosexual marriage where the goal is procreation. In fact, in U.S. society, nothing should ever be done for the sole fact that it feels good.

For example, masturbation in a sex negative society is pretty far down on the hierarchy of sex acts because it is only done to please oneself. And when we try to convince others that masturbation is good and healthy we often find ourselves talking in terms of what it can do for your health. Oh, you’ll reduce the likelihood of prostate cancer, you’ll help relax menstrual cramps, you’ll lower your risk for incontinence in your old age, it will improve your mood, etc. What about: it feels good? Masturbate because it feels good!

But if you really want to easily show just how sex negative we are let’s look at what is acceptable to let children see. In this society we seem to prefer to have our kids watch someone being physically abused than to see a naked man or woman, let alone see naked people enjoying their own or other peoples’ bodies. Which would you think would be more damaging for your kid to walk in on: someone being brutally murdered or a loving couple having sex? I would personally prefer a child to walk in on the loving couple. This obviously can’t be true though of a lot of people who have no problems with their kids watching network TV, but when a breast is accidentally flashed they go berzerk. Because kids have never seen a breast before that’s for sure.

And the response usually of sex negative folks when confronted with the idea of sex positivity is usually one of morals, but also one of concern for unwanted pregnancy and STIs.

The morals I already covered. Mine are obviously different since I think that sex is good and violence is bad. But the issue of unwanted pregnancy and STIs is when sex positive and sex negative folks seem to talk past each other instead of engaging in an actual discussion.

Sex negative folks seem to have the opinion that unwanted pregnancy and STIs are there to deter people from having sex. It is god’s way of punishing the wicked. They blame sex positive people for teen pregnancy and rampant rates of STIs. And not only are we talking past each other here, we’re using different terminology. For sex negative folks we’re promiscuous, not sex positive. Even though, in reality sex positivity has no real effect on how many sex partners a person has or does not have. And we reject the word promiscuous because of it’s negative connotations.

Sex positive folks realize that while pleasure is good, it comes with it’s fair share of risks. Everything worth doing in life comes with risks. But sex positive people also emphasize using protection. We don’t see STIs and unplanned pregnancies as a punishment from god, but more as a consequence to being irresponsible and in general just something that can happen when you take risks. When you drive a car you wear your seatbelt. You can still get into an accident and you could still die, but your risks go down exponentially. And for most Americans, driving or riding in cars is worth the risk.

I, as a sex positive person, do not care how many people you have sex with or what kind of sex you have with those people. I care that you are having safe sex with people who actively participate in the sex and that you’re enjoying yourselves.

I advocate for comprehensive sex education because I feel that people need to know all the facts before engaging in sexual activity. Sex negative people, on the other hand, tend to lean more towards abstinence only education because if you tell the kids about sex they’re going to want to do it. I think that is ridiculous. Kids are going to learn about sex from the wrong places (and gain a lot of misinformation) and they are going to have sex anyways. It is necessary to give them the tools to decide when to have sex and how to do it safely and pleasurably.

Now I’ve been pretty black and white here. The truth is that everything is a spectrum. It’s doubtful that most people are completely sex negative or completely sex positive. They are somewhere in the middle. But it’s a bit easier to kind of lay out the different beliefs in opposition to each other to give you more of an idea of the differences between the two.

Liberal Bias

I was thinking about it today and realized that the reason that the super conservative religious right thinks everything is liberally biased is because they don’t believe in facts. Now before you get in a tizzy, let me clarify this. What I mean by facts is logic, reason, and science. These things do not mesh well with a literal translation of the bible because the bible was written centuries ago when there was a lot less of those things.

How can you possibly reconcile the two things if you believe the bible is to be translated literally? You can’t. And therefore, they choose to believe god, the bible, and religious figures over science. And you just cannot reason with them. You can tell them the facts and point to the research, but it doesn’t matter because in their heart they know that those facts aren’t right. You can’t argue with someone who is coming from a system of beliefs as truths.

So what does this have to do with this blog? I mean heck I’m only supposed to talk about sex, sexuality, gender, and relationships. But religion plays a huge part in all of that. These folks that are ignoring facts ignore the studies that homosexual parents do just as good of a job raising kids as heterosexual parents do. They ignore the fact that abstinence education does not work (and prolonging the time before having sex, but still ending up pregnant because you don’t know anything about contraception is not effective in my opinion). They ignore the fact that homosexual marriage has not ruined heterosexual marriage. They ignore the fact that there are more than two sexes. They ignore the fact that homosexuals are no more likely to molest children than heterosexuals.

And the worst part is that these people aren’t just sitting idly by thinking these things. They’re an active movement. They are trying (and sometimes succeeding) at changing laws to reflect their beliefs which are not based in fact. And anyone who tries to tell them different is an elitist. Because let’s face it, most people who are highly educated tend to believe in facts.

When did education become an evil? When did facts start being ignored? And when did ignoring facts become a big part of public policy? Why are so many people complaining about wasted government spending, but they’re all for throwing money at things that have been shown to not work?

You’ll have to forgive me if you’ve all already realized this before. I was not raised in a religious household and have to come to these conclusions on my own. Like the time when I realized that people got their morality from a book. That one blew my mind.

And I want to be very clear here. As I have said before, I take no issue with religion or the religious themselves. In the vein of the supposedly non-racist, non-sexist, non-homophobic, etc I’d like to say: “My best friend is a Christian, and I have no problem with her.” I take issue when religion is used in the name of hurting and hating others.

Trust Women

Today is the 37th anniversary of Roe v. Wade and the 5th annual Blog for Choice event. For the Past 5 years NARAL has been asking bloggers questions related to the right to choose in order to raise awareness for reproductive rights and ask what they mean to us. This year’s question is:

In honor of Dr. George Tiller, who often wore a button that simply read, “Trust Women,” this year’s Blog for Choice question is:
What does Trust Women mean to you?

To me, trusting women is about understanding that we can make our own informed decisions. We do not need to be coddled. We do not need to be told misinformation in order to make the “right decision.” We do not need to be forced to look at ultrasounds of the fetus to make a decision that we’ve already thought long and hard about. We do not need to be ordered by a court to do what is best for us and our families. If kids are given comprehensive sex education they will be given the tools with which to make informed decisions about sex and family planning. Women will have the ability to prevent unwanted pregnancies and to plan families if and when they want to. We need to help women to be able to make the right decisions for them by helping everyone to be educated about sex and sexuality.

I also think that part of trusting women is listening to their stories and having more women coming forward with them (if they so choose) to show that they make hard decisions that are right for them. Abortion especially is so demonized and we normally only talk about it in terms of rape or incest cases, but what about the rest of the women out there who get them? So many women feel like they can’t come out and share their stories because they do not want to be demonized or judged for making a decision that was right for them. That was why I shared my story back in August soon after Dr. Tiller’s murder. Read it here.

My Story

In light of recent events – specifically Dr. Tiller’s murder, federal marshals being removed from the aide of Dr. Carhart, and the ongoing violence focused on reproductive health clinics – I’ve decided to tell my own story. I believe that it is extremely important for women (and men) to come out and talk about how their reproductive health clinics have helped them and why they are a positive necessity in our society. We should all tell our own stories.

My story isn’t a pretty packaged story about how I was a victim of incest or rape. Not that these stories are ever pretty, but they are the ones that so often come to view when we are talking about women who need to be able to have abortions. The stories of innocence lost. The women who “deserve” to have a pregnancy terminated. What about the rest of us? We all need control over our own bodies.

I expect that a lot of people won’t agree with my decisions. And I also expect that there may be some backlash because of it. But I refuse to hide when the people who are trying to help women are being murdered.

I tell this story from a sex positive viewpoint; the idea that there is nothing inherently evil about sex. In fact there is a lot of good in it, but there are risks as well.

When I was 18 I was a typical teenager. I thought I was invincible. I thought that nothing bad could happen. And so, even though I knew full well what the consequences were, I had unprotected sex with my boyfriend. I was not a victim of abstinence-only education, I had comprehensive sex ed starting in 5th grade. I was also raised in a sex positive household where information about sex and condoms were always available. I did know better. But I was in love and the sex was fantastic.

What I didn’t know was that I was with a young man who was also extremely fertile, as many 18 year olds are. He hadn’t told me that he had gotten two other women pregnant before me. And he definitely should have known better. But we’re both to blame for what happened. A couple of months before my 19th birthday I got pregnant.

I had always thought that if I got pregnant before I was ready that I would have an abortion. It would be an easy decision. When it actually happened I was struck by how difficult the decision actually was. After all, this life had been created out of love.

After thinking about it for a few weeks though I knew that it was the right decision. I had not been planning on bringing a baby into the world and was smoking at the time. Not a great way to start a pregnancy. My mom, a very supportive woman in general, refused to support me emotionally or financially if I chose to have the child. My boyfriend whom I loved dearly, all of a sudden disappeared when I became pregnant. I had my whole life ahead of me. And even dedicating 9 months to pregnancy was a burden my body could not handle. The first couple months that I did go through were awful and I knew it would only get worse. My body has always had issues with health and pain.

I did not know how to go about seeking an abortion. I am so incredibly lucky that it all turned out as well as it did considering I was doing my research via the yellow pages and, being a broke teenager, cost was my main concern. Had I lived in the Bible Belt instead of a suburb of Chicago I’m sure I would have ended up talking to a crisis center that would’ve misinformed me about pregnancy and abortion. And in my relatively fragile state, that would have been very difficult to deal with.

Ten days after my 19th birthday my best friend took me to a women’s reproductive health clinic. There were lots of women with boyfriends in the waiting room. I was the only one with my best friend.

I don’t really remember much of that day except for having a difficult time peeing in the cup, accidentally stepping on a button on the floor in the operating room that made a loud noise, waking up in another room with my underwear back on, and my best friend taking care of me that evening (mmm Blue’s Clues macaroni and cheese). But it all went pretty well.

As the years went on I became pretty loyal to Planned Parenthood. I really wish I had gotten the procedure there, but I’m happy that it went well. Planned Parenthood has been there for me through thick and thin. They’ve helped me through condom breakage, STI testing, genital warts, pap smears, putting me on the pill to prevent pregnancy, and then keeping me on it to prevent ovarian cysts. They’ve been there when I’ve cried, they’ve laughed at my jokes, and they’ve been non-judgmental of my lifestyle choices. They’ve been like a really good friend to me. And as a good friend I’ve tried my best to give back as well. I’ve donated time and money to them. I ran the local college campus chapter of VOX (Planned Parenthood’s student outreach) and I’ve worked as an escort keeping myself between women entering and leaving the clinic and those who did not agree with why they thought those women were there. I will always support Planned Parenthood and I hope that they are always able to support me.

Business Ethics

10 Sexual Myths

Sex Positivity

Liberal Bias

Trust Women

My Story

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