To the right is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. If you can’t clearly see it click here for the picture as it appears on Wikipedia. For those unfamiliar with this pyramid, the basic premise is that we as humans and social beings have certain needs, but those needs are determined by the needs that are already being filled or not being filled. In other words, if you cannot get your needs filled in one level, the needs in the level above it are not even on your radar, but all of the levels are necessary in order to achieve a rich full life. There are definitely some important criticisms of the pyramid like the fact that this is a very western way of viewing society, life, and happiness. However, I do think it still makes some important points. If your very basic needs are not being met (food, water, shelter, etc) how can you possibly be worried about the need for dignity and achievement?

But you know what strikes me most about this pyramid? We reliably teach our children everything on that pyramid except for sex and sexual intimacy which are at levels one and levels three respectively. Or at least we try to teach them all of those other things. As a kid I attended self confidence workshops, learned problem solving and critical thinking starting as young as 10, learned the importance of friendship in kindergarten, and was potty trained at some point before I even started forming memories.

With few exceptions, people seem to want to teach their kids everything to fill the hierarchy of needs. Why is it that we leave a huge blank spot on sex and sexual intimacy?

Now, I was lucky, don’t get me wrong. I was one of the exceptions because I grew up in a sex positive household … or I should say that I half grew up in a sex positive household. I am the child of divorced parents who had joint custody of me until I was 15. I went between the two houses every couple of weeks. The two houses that thought very differently about sex.

For two weeks at my mother’s house I could ask whatever questions I wanted. I knew where babies came from when I was 5. My mother yelled at me to go rub one off when I was 9 and in a particularly pissy mood. When I got older and had questions that were too uncomfortable to ask her, she started hiding sex ed books in the bookcase for me to find. I still own the first edition to the Guide to Getting it On. At 14 my mother started putting condoms in my bathroom just in case. I wasn’t having sex yet, but she wanted me to be prepared if I was. By the time I was 16 I was having both boys and girls sleep over and my mother knew I was bisexual and knew we were fooling around. The first time I heard my mother have sex I was 8. I continued to see evidence of her sex life the entire time that I lived with her and while it wasn’t always a comfortable thing to see, it was evidence that sex and sexuality was a normal part of life.

For two weeks at my father’s house, sex was not a topic of conversation. If I even brought it up it was usually brushed off rather quickly and I was told to wait to have sex until I was in college. He slept in a separate bed from his live-in-girlfriend on a different floor of the house. But at the same time my father ogled every sexy woman on TV and hid pornography in the house.

So I learned about sexuality in two different households that were very opposed, which was pretty much how it went for every rule and moral I ever learned. I was left to figure it out for myself, which sometimes led to a serious lack of morals in certain cases.

I also did have sex education in school. It wasn’t much although the clitoris was listed on the diagrams of female genitalia. They sort of taught about it and it wasn’t until I was out of high school that I realized how rare that was. I went to college late and got to hear all the horror stories of people who went through abstinence only education in the Bush years. Comparing girls who had sex with dirty tape, sucked on lollypops, roses with no more petals.

I was one of the lucky ones. It’s funny to say that considering the fact that I’ve been pregnant twice and have had 3 STIs. I learned all the technical stuff. I knew about condoms and birth control. I even learned how to negotiate such things from attending PRIDE youth groups starting at age 15. But what I didn’t learn was the emotional side of sex. I didn’t learn about intimacy. I didn’t learn about all of the other stuff that goes along with sex and how that could effect me. This is something I’m still working on to this day.

But you know what? It’s a lot like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I’m lucky, I learned about sex which is at the 1st level, the most crucial level. But I’m still trying to figure out sexual intimacy. Others are still at level one. In my line of work I meet a lot of people who experience sexual problems. I’ve met women who have never had orgasms. I met one woman who was 28 and didn’t know where her clitoris was. I’ve met women who think that they urinate out of their vaginas. I’ve met men who think that their penis is supposed to bring absolute pleasure and they are confused and depressed when it does not. A lot of these people are struggling with level one because they received even less of an education than I did. They learned all the names of the bones of the body, but no one bothered to teach them the proper names for the body parts that create pleasure.

Sex is one of the most important things we do in life. It is one of our biggest driving forces. The drive to procreate, the drive to feel close to someone, the drive to feel pleasure, the drive to feel accepted, the drive to feel secure, the drive to feel attractive, the drive to ignore all other things in life. Sex is a number one level need and yet we don’t talk about it. We don’t teach about it. Can you imagine if we did the same thing for any other level one need? If we didn’t teach about sleeping or breathing or eating?

That’s why we need comprehensive sex ed and that is why it is so important to have sites like Scarleteen. That is why it is so important for folks to donate to Scarleteen because it is one of the very few resources out there for youngins who are trying to navigate their sexuality. And it is so important to donate because Scarleteen will not survive without your donations.