Late last week John “Buttman” Stagliano’s case was dismissed from court for not enough evidence. This is a great relief for the porn community and should be a relief for all really.
Stagliano was charged with obscenity and was facing up to 32 years in prison and $7 million in fines. Many compared this to the sentence handed to Oscar Grant’s murderer who received just 14 years in jail for a crime witnessed around the world .
The obscenity in question featured 3 movies which had such apparently depraved things as female ejaculation (I’ve seen urination cited as one of the violations and I wonder if this is what they are referring to or if there is also urination), milk enemas, ass sex, foot fetish, BDSM, and puppy play. All of the players in the movies were consenting adults. All of the people who would be viewing the movies would also be consenting adults as long as there was no coercion by outside sources having nothing to do with the films themselves or Stagliano. How exactly is this worse than shooting someone? Even if the content of the videos is not something that turns you on, why should it be charged as obscene and the creator thrown in jail with hefty fines? The same could happen for the creator of something that does turn you on. It’s a slippery slope.
Thankfully Stagliano has been let go. But I must worry for other such pornographers who push the envelope. The envelope that is sometimes not even all that far outside of the norm. For example, did you know that fisting is considered to be obscene and distributors will not let it appear in DVD format? Fisting is an incredibly common act in the queer community and something that ends up getting cut from a lot of films where queer actors are told to have the kind of sex that they love to have. And is female ejaculation really pushing the envelope? Many women do it. It’s not even something that a lot of women do by choice. It is a natural reaction to their orgasms. How exactly is that any more obscene then men ejaculating?
I do hope that this sets some sort of precedent, but I worry that it won’t because the case was thrown out for insufficient evidence. Had Stagliano been judged not guilty then the precedent could have been set and it would have been more difficult to convict pornographers after this. Although I am curious how much evidence is needed when prosecutors had an entire video catalogue to choose from.
Obscenity laws are supposedly meant to protect people, but I have to wonder who they think they are protecting. If anything, the adult industry needs to stop being shamed all the time and there needs to be more of a focus on enhancing the working environments for sex workers. But that’s another argument for another day, one I’m always making.
There is this woman who comes into Early to Bed. She isn’t really a regular like the ones who come into the shop so often that they always need to ask what’s new. In fact, it took me awhile to recognize her as coming in a few times, but she is one of my favorite customers.
At first I misjudged her. I try not to be judgmental, but I do that kind of self-defense judgment of people where I’m always on the lookout for people who may be offensive or judgmental themselves. So if you look like you belong in a frat I will probably assume you’re a beer drinking douchebag until you prove me otherwise. I never said I was perfect.
So at first I misjudged her. The first several times she came in her hair was blonde, now it is brunette. She used to look like a sorority girl and with that slight southern accent of hers and her classic good looks I thought she would be a giggly girl with not much knowledge of the sexual world. It is people like her that remind me that I should not judge others.
It took me a few times to recognize her. All I realized about her the first few times is that she looked familiar. It probably took til the 3rd or 4th time of her coming in for me to remember that she is incredibly awesome. She is so open about her’s and other’s sexuality. She does not judge. She is extremely curious about experiences outside of her own, but not in an othering way. She just genuinely is interested in people. And she’s nice. She’s so nice.
This past weekend she came into the store with a man. Apparently this man had some history at the shop as well, but I do not ever remember seeing him previously. But you knew he had to be an incredible guy once you found out that he was married to her. This intelligent sweet woman. And he did not let me down.
They both wandered around the store sometimes talking to each other, sometimes talking to me and my coworker. Always having such engaging conversations about things they enjoyed, but never getting too personal as some customers seem to do. It was always light and fun. He enjoys ass play. They love watching queer porn. They want to see more real couples in porn. They read erotica together. He is extremely interested in any sort of theatrical works and therefore must watch The Curse of MacBeth.
Both of them so comfortable in their sexuality. Both of them in what appeared to be an egalitarian loving relationship.
As they left the store both my coworker and I found that we had smiles on our face. We decided that they should win the best couple award if there was one.
So y’all know I’m moving. Turns out it’s damn stressful to move across the country! I’ve moved many many times before, but it’s usually in the same city. The only times I’ve moved long distances were when there wasn’t much to move. So this is kinda crazy. If you follow me on twitter you’ve heard my bitching.
So the move is about 6 weeks away and I’m just researching things like crazy, but nothing is as good as advice from others. Anyone do a cross country move before? What did you do to make it easier/cut costs?
As of right now it looks like we will have our stuff driven in a container on a truck with a bunch of other people’s stuff. It seems to be the cheapest and easiest route. However, with 15 different moving companies contacting me all the time I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. In fact, I thought I’d finally found a company that looked really awesome to then realize that they only do moves that originate in California, not the other way around. I’ve researched the other 15 companies with the BBB and I’ve narrowed it down to 6 which is still too many. So who have you used? What was your experience?
Also, anyone in the SF Bay Area know of any jobs in sex education/outreach/PR? I’m looking for work out there and while Craigslist is helpful, networking is always better. Please put in a good word for me/point me in the right direction.
Thanks all! I’m going to finish this here mudslide in hopes that it will take some of the edge off …
 Image from CNN article Q: You may have already seen this, but I thought you might be interested in this article on a female condom that is meant to fight rape. I wondered what your opinion on it was (would it actually help stop/prevent rape?, etc), or thought that maybe you would like to blog about it (or at least pass the link around).
I have heard of the anti-rape condom before. It actually first surfaced under a slightly different name a few years ago. Then it was called Rapex and now it’s Rape-aXe. And believe me I have a lot of feelings about it. I want to preface this though with the fact that I know nothing about South African culture or any other cultures in Africa. I cannot even pretend to begin to know what is going on over there.
That being said, I have to say that this is not treating the problem at all. It’s another case of the victims having to protect themselves by changing their behaviors instead of getting to the root of the problem. The people who need to change their behaviors are the rapists. They need to stop raping and not because they’re afraid that there might be teeth in a woman’s vagina. Instead, we need wide spread social change that creates an environment of respect for women and autonomy over their own sexuality and bodies. Rape-aXe is something that may or may not help in the short term, but it does nothing to effect the long term issues surrounding rape. I found it interesting that the creator said “Yes, my device may be a medieval, but it’s for a medieval deed that has been around for decades.” This evil deed has been around since before medieval times. In fact, it’s pretty much been around since the beginning of time, not decades but millennia. That is seriously long term and we need to think in those terms.
Let us address the short term though. One side effect I see of this toothy condom is more violence. A man who has just raped a woman and had a sharp object embedded into his penis is probably extremely likely to lash out at the woman who was wearing it. And what about a woman who is gang raped? That is going to spell out even more violence for her. The rapists will probably beat her more severely than they would have.
Also, there is more than one way to rape a person. It does not always involve penis in vagina. It could involve an ass, a mouth, and/or other insertable objects besides a penis. In fact, why not just shove a broom handle or something up there first to make sure she’s not packing a Rape-aXe?
They say that this would help with rape convictions because a medical doctor has to remove the condom. How long until there is an underground removal service? Just because only doctors can remove them now doesn’t mean that they will always be the only ones to be able to do it.
I also worry that it will hinder rape convictions if a woman isn’t wearing it. I can imagine it now. They accuse her of wanting it because she wasn’t wearing a Rape-aXe.
Also, this condom doesn’t actually prevent sexual assault. It just latches on to a rapist’s penis after the sexual assault has already begun. Will it prevent rape if rapists think that women are wearing them? Well, do the sponges with razorblades prevent anything?
However, I do not fault women for wanting to wear this to help protect themselves. It has to be better than shoving a sponge filled with razorblades into your vagina. That just sounds like a horrible idea. Although, at $2 a pop this may not be within most poor women’s means. And lets face it, the poorer you are the more likely you are to get raped and the less likely your rapist will be convicted. But there’s a desperation there obviously because the rape rates are so extremely high in South Africa.
There just has to be a better way. We need to treat the disease, not the symptom. Women’s rights are human rights.
One of the main arguments I often hear against porn performers practicing safer sex is that porn is supposed to be a fantasy and condoms ruin that fantasy. Can you see why this might be a bit of an issue in getting people to protect themselves against unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?
I mean not only are the porn performers themselves being put at risk for contracting STIs, but this notion is helping to perpetuate the idea that really sexy sex is unprotected. The same goes for erotica, romance novels, romantic comedies, sitcoms, etc. Out culture has created a narrative in which sex only feels good and looks sexy if no one is protected. We’re all suffering from this narrative, but sex workers are probably suffering the most.
I understand that in your fantasy world you won’t want to think about pregnancy or diseases. I get that, I really do. However, wouldn’t it be more beneficial to just think of safer sex items as sexy in themselves? Why does a condom or a glove have to make you think about HIV or HPV? Why can’t it be just like another sex toy? Or just something that is equated with sex. Why don’t we see unprotected sex and think these things? Wouldn’t that be a bit more accurate anyway? A condom, a dental dam, or a glove could all easily help us focus on the action because we know we don’t have to worry about the health of our fantasy players. They are a-ok and going to have super hot sex with absolutely nothing to worry about. Where as if we don’t see those things we instead worry for our sexy idols and that worry gets in the way of our ability to become aroused and get off. What would that do for the rates of unwanted pregnancies and STIs in general and for the health of sex workers specifically?
And why do safer sex supplies get such a bad wrap anyway? I’ve had people scrunch up their nose and say, “but that’s not exactly sexy” when I talk about using gloves (in butts no less – where poop is! Because poop on your bare hand is definitely way sexier than gloves). How are gloves not sexy? They can help to transform your hand into a sex toy.
As a paper pusher I always have paper cuts on my hands. And you know what can be really distracting from sexy time? Acidic vaginal juices stinging the hell out of those cuts. Or maybe you have a hangnail or a nail that chipped too close to the skin and you don’t want to cut it off just yet. Gloves! Or maybe you have calluses on your hands and your partner just enjoys a smoother, less frictiony ride. And you don’t have to wear those white gloves that your doctor wears – unless you have a medical fetish and that gets you all kinds of hot – there are other colors. There are black, blue (non latex), and purple (non-latex). Ooh I even found red! Although, they’re vinyl so they won’t fit quite so well.
And then there are condoms. There are so many fancy ones on the market these days that can turn a cock into a sex toy. You can have a studded cock without ever having to go to a piercer, or maybe you want studs AND ribs, you can have super thin condoms that keep you protected but make it feel like you’re wearing a little less, you can make your cock glow in the dark and play hide the radioactive tube, condoms that provide more head room, speaking of head room here’s one that has a whole twist, ones that transfer heat (non latex) really well, maybe you just want your dick to taste really good but also be vegan. Or you could just have one of everything and try them all. So many options!
Then there’s always the argument that you have to stop the action to get the safer sex supplies and put them on/put them to work. I call bullshit. First of all, if you’re planning on playing you should have them within reach. Secondly, make it part of the fun, part of the anticipation. If my wife can get up to go wash a dildo in the middle of us having sex you can take the time to put on a glove or a condom. And that’s just part of the fun. Putting it on means that it’s go time. Plus, if it’s a condom, it can always be put on with your partner’s mouth.
Today Shanna Katz/Essin’Em tweeted a question via the Fascinations twitter account that I found to be very interesting. I attempted to answer in 140 characters or less, but found it to be rather difficult. And since the question is on a topic that I’ve been meaning to talk about in my blog anyways, I figured this would be the perfect time.
The question: Can sex be addictive?
I’ve heard people say that you can’t be addicted to something you need to live. With the exception of the air around us that we need to breathe and our blood pumping through our system, I’d say that I disagree with that statement. Addiction happens when you use and abuse substances, experiences, etc. Addiction is consciously or unconsciously saying “Fuck the consequences” when you need your fix. And it’s just that: a fix. We need to eat in order to survive, but food can also be an addiction. We abuse food when we eat because we’re bored or sad or angry. And it can give us a high that we want to replicate over and over again which becomes an addiction. That’s different than eating because you’re nourishing your body. You need food to live, but you don’t need to binge eat regularly to live.
The same goes for sex. Now some may say that you don’t need sex to live, but I think a lot of people would disagree with them (except for the asexuals). Sex is a part of who most people are. But when sex becomes something that you do to get a certain feeling (euphoria, intimacy, adrenaline) and you say “fuck the consequences” and don’t give much thought as to how you’re getting that feeling then it becomes an addiction.
Now I want to state that I don’t think that everyone who says they’re addicted to sex really is. I think it’s a cheap and easy scapegoat for famous people to make when they get caught in the middle of a sex scandal. It’s difficult to know who is being serious and who isn’t.
I used to suffer from sex addiction. I was never diagnosed with it, but I knew it. When I was about 19 I went through a major depression and I spent a lot of time doing drugs and having anonymous sex. I didn’t care much about myself, but I loved the highs that sex and drugs created and hated the lows.
Some may say that the sex was just a symptom of my depression, but I’d say that they were both wrapped up in each other. It was a tool of escapism and it also helped to plummet me deeper into depression. The drugs were also a tool of escapism, but I never became addicted to those. I didn’t need the drugs. I needed the sex. Many addicts become addicted to their escape tools. Often alcoholics will use booze to numb the pain and it becomes a cycle where the alcoholism causes the pain that they are numbing.
For me, sex gave me the intimacy that I was longing for. For a short period of time I could feel cared about. I could be held. After it was over though I usually felt worse. But I kept wanting that high and so I kept seeking it out. It didn’t really matter with who and often the sex was unprotected.
I want to state that I am in no way against casual sex. Fuck who ever the hell you want to. But do it because you really want it, not because you’re looking for something else. And be safe!
So yes, I think that sex can be addictive. I think that anything that produces a chemical reaction in your brain can cause addiction. We become addicted to those chemicals. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but hey that’s the point of discussion. What do you think? Can sex be addictive?
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Under 18? Get your sex-ed at Scarleteen instead.
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