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	<title>Ask Garnet &#187; rant</title>
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	<link>http://askgarnet.com</link>
	<description>Queer sex educator embarking on a new adventure with her wife and two cats.</description>
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		<title>Radio Topics?</title>
		<link>http://askgarnet.com/2010/11/15/radio-topics/</link>
		<comments>http://askgarnet.com/2010/11/15/radio-topics/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 16 Nov 2010 01:27:18 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Garnet Joyce</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[advice]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rant]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sex education]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[update]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://askgarnet.com/?p=1222</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>I&#8217;m going to be on the radio with Shanna Katz on Thursday. What do you want us to talk about?</p>
Related Posts:Oral Sex on the Radio TomorrowSex and Dis/Ability SurveySex AddictionPowered by Contextual [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>I&#8217;m going to be on the radio with <a href="http://shannakatz.com/" target="_blank">Shanna Katz</a> on Thursday. What do you want us to talk about?</p>
<div id="crp_related"><h3>Related Posts:</h3><ul><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/11/17/oral-sex-on-the-radio-tomorrow/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Oral Sex on the Radio Tomorrow</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/05/10/sex-and-disability-survey/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Sex and Dis/Ability Survey</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/06/04/sex-addiction/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Sex Addiction</a></li><li>Powered by <a href="http://ajaydsouza.com/wordpress/plugins/contextual-related-posts/">Contextual Related Posts</a></li></ul></div><p>====================<br />
This post, <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/11/15/radio-topics/" rel="bookmark">Radio Topics?</a>, originally appeared on <a href="http://askgarnet.com">Ask Garnet</a> on 11/15/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/11/15/radio-topics/" rel="bookmark">Radio Topics?</a>. Thanks for visiting!<br />
====================</p>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<title>Scarleteen Blog Carnival: Maslow&#8217;s Hierarchy of Needs</title>
		<link>http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/27/scarleteen-blog-carnival-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs/</link>
		<comments>http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/27/scarleteen-blog-carnival-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 27 Oct 2010 15:27:44 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Garnet Joyce</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[rant]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sex education]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://askgarnet.com/?p=1206</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>To the right is Maslow&#8217;s hierarchy of needs. If you can&#8217;t clearly see it click here for the picture as it appears on Wikipedia. For those unfamiliar with this pyramid, the basic premise is that we as humans and social beings have certain needs, but those needs are determined by the needs that are already being [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a rel="attachment wp-att-1207" href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/27/scarleteen-blog-carnival-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs/800px-maslows_hierarchy_of_needs/"><img class="alignright size-medium wp-image-1207" title="800px-Maslow's_Hierarchy_of_Needs" src="http://askgarnet.com/wp-content/uploads/800px-Maslows_Hierarchy_of_Needs-300x225.png" alt="" width="300" height="225" /></a>To the right is Maslow&#8217;s hierarchy of needs. If you can&#8217;t clearly see it click <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg" target="_blank">here</a> for the picture as it appears on Wikipedia. For those unfamiliar with this pyramid, the basic premise is that we as humans and social beings have certain needs, but those needs are determined by the needs that are already being filled or not being filled. In other words, if you cannot get your needs filled in one level, the needs in the level above it are not even on your radar, but all of the levels are necessary in order to achieve a rich full life. There are definitely some important criticisms of the pyramid like the fact that this is a very western way of viewing society, life, and happiness. However, I do think it still makes some important points. If your very basic needs are not being met (food, water, shelter, etc) how can you possibly be worried about the need for dignity and achievement?</p>
<p>But you know what strikes me most about this pyramid? We reliably teach our children everything on that pyramid except for sex and sexual intimacy which are at levels one and levels three respectively. Or at least we try to teach them all of those other things. As a kid I attended self confidence workshops, learned problem solving and critical thinking starting as young as 10, learned the importance of friendship in kindergarten, and was potty trained at some point before I even started forming memories.</p>
<p>With few exceptions, people seem to want to teach their kids everything to fill the hierarchy of needs. Why is it that we leave a huge blank spot on sex and sexual intimacy?</p>
<p>Now, I was lucky, don&#8217;t get me wrong. I was one of the exceptions because I grew up in a sex positive household &#8230; or I should say that I half grew up in a sex positive household. I am the child of divorced parents who had joint custody of me until I was 15. I went between the two houses every couple of weeks. The two houses that thought very differently about sex.</p>
<p>For two weeks at my mother&#8217;s house I could ask whatever questions I wanted. I knew where babies came from when I was 5. My mother yelled at me to go rub one off when I was 9 and in a particularly pissy mood. When I got older and had questions that were too uncomfortable to ask her, she started hiding sex ed books in the bookcase for me to find. I still own the first edition to the Guide to Getting it On. At 14 my mother started putting condoms in my bathroom just in case. I wasn&#8217;t having sex yet, but she wanted me to be prepared if I was. By the time I was 16 I was having both boys and girls sleep over and my mother knew I was bisexual and knew we were fooling around. The first time I heard my mother have sex I was 8. I continued to see evidence of her sex life the entire time that I lived with her and while it wasn&#8217;t always a comfortable thing to see, it was evidence that sex and sexuality was a normal part of life.</p>
<p>For two weeks at my father&#8217;s house, sex was not a topic of conversation. If I even brought it up it was usually brushed off rather quickly and I was told to wait to have sex until I was in college. He slept in a separate bed from his live-in-girlfriend on a different floor of the house. But at the same time my father ogled every sexy woman on TV and hid pornography in the house.</p>
<p>So I learned about sexuality in two different households that were very opposed, which was pretty much how it went for every rule and moral I ever learned. I was left to figure it out for myself, which sometimes led to a serious lack of morals in certain cases.</p>
<p>I also did have sex education in school. It wasn&#8217;t much although the clitoris was listed on the diagrams of female genitalia. They sort of taught about it and it wasn&#8217;t until I was out of high school that I realized how rare that was. I went to college late and got to hear all the horror stories of people who went through abstinence only education in the Bush years. Comparing girls who had sex with dirty tape, sucked on lollypops, roses with no more petals.</p>
<p>I was one of the lucky ones. It&#8217;s funny to say that considering the fact that I&#8217;ve been <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2009/08/28/my-story/" target="_blank">pregnant twice</a> and have had 3 STIs. I learned all the technical stuff. I knew about condoms and birth control. I even learned how to negotiate such things from attending PRIDE youth groups starting at age 15. But what I didn&#8217;t learn was the emotional side of sex. I didn&#8217;t learn about intimacy. I didn&#8217;t learn about all of the other stuff that goes along with sex and how that could effect me. This is something I&#8217;m still working on to this day.</p>
<p>But you know what? It&#8217;s a lot like Maslow&#8217;s hierarchy of needs. I&#8217;m lucky, I learned about sex which is at the 1st level, the most crucial level. But I&#8217;m still trying to figure out sexual intimacy. Others are still at level one. In my line of work I meet a lot of people who experience sexual problems. I&#8217;ve met women who have never had orgasms. I met one woman who was 28 and didn&#8217;t know where her clitoris was. I&#8217;ve met women who think that they urinate out of their vaginas. I&#8217;ve met men who think that their penis is supposed to bring absolute pleasure and they are confused and depressed when it does not. A lot of these people are struggling with level one because they received even less of an education than I did. They learned all the names of the bones of the body, but no one bothered to teach them the proper names for the body parts that create pleasure.</p>
<p>Sex is one of the most important things we do in life. It is one of our biggest driving forces. The drive to procreate, the drive to feel close to someone, the drive to feel pleasure, the drive to feel accepted, the drive to feel secure, the drive to feel attractive, the drive to ignore all other things in life. Sex is a number one level need and yet we don&#8217;t talk about it. We don&#8217;t teach about it. Can you imagine if we did the same thing for any other level one need? If we didn&#8217;t teach about sleeping or breathing or eating?</p>
<p>That&#8217;s why we need comprehensive sex ed and that is why it is so important to have sites like <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/" target="_blank">Scarleteen</a>. That is why it is so important for folks to <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html" target="_blank">donate</a> to Scarleteen because it is one of the very few resources out there for youngins who are trying to navigate their sexuality. And it is so important to <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html" target="_blank">donate</a> because Scarleteen will not survive without your donations.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/"><img class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-1212" title="scarleteen" src="http://askgarnet.com/wp-content/uploads/scarleteen.gif" alt="" width="160" height="190" /></a></p>
<div id="crp_related"><h3>Related Posts:</h3><ul><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/04/06/sexual-assault-stories/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Sexual Assault Stories</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2008/07/29/size-obsession/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Size Obsession</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/23/national-sexual-freedom-day/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">National Sexual Freedom Day</a></li><li>Powered by <a href="http://ajaydsouza.com/wordpress/plugins/contextual-related-posts/">Contextual Related Posts</a></li></ul></div><p>====================<br />
This post, <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/27/scarleteen-blog-carnival-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs/" rel="bookmark">Scarleteen Blog Carnival: Maslow&#8217;s Hierarchy of Needs</a>, originally appeared on <a href="http://askgarnet.com">Ask Garnet</a> on 10/27/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/27/scarleteen-blog-carnival-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs/" rel="bookmark">Scarleteen Blog Carnival: Maslow&#8217;s Hierarchy of Needs</a>. Thanks for visiting!<br />
====================</p>
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		<title>National Coming Out Day</title>
		<link>http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/11/national-coming-out-day/</link>
		<comments>http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/11/national-coming-out-day/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 11 Oct 2010 15:34:31 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Garnet Joyce</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[homosexuality]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rant]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[relationships]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sex education]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sex work]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://askgarnet.com/?p=1179</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>Today is National Coming Out Day. I think that coming out is a concept that a lot of people really don&#8217;t seem to understand. Or at least people who don&#8217;t have anything to come out about don&#8217;t understand.</p>
<p>In general people who vary from the norm have to come out because everyone is assumed to be the [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Today is <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Coming_Out_Day" target="_blank">National Coming Out Day</a>. I think that coming out is a concept that a lot of people really don&#8217;t seem to understand. Or at least people who don&#8217;t have anything to come out about don&#8217;t understand.</p>
<p>In general people who vary from the norm have to come out because everyone is assumed to be the norm unless otherwise specified. Heterosexuals, cis-gendered, and vanilla people rarely have to come out if ever. The exceptions being for those who may not fit perfectly into the gender that society expects them to have. Men who are &#8220;not masculine enough&#8221; or women who are &#8220;too masculine&#8221; sometimes have to come out as heterosexual, or at least spend time having to try to convince the rest of the world that they&#8217;re not queer.</p>
<p>But see here&#8217;s the thing that a lot of people really don&#8217;t understand. Coming out isn&#8217;t something you do just once or twice. Coming out is something you do for your entire life. Every time you meet someone you have to decide whether or not that person should know that you are who you are. It&#8217;s often a weighing of pros and cons. What kind of reaction do I think this person will have? Does my taxi driver need to know I&#8217;m queer? Does my dentist need to know? Does the woman sitting next to me on the airplane need to know that I work in the adult industry? If I don&#8217;t tell people am I hiding or am I just avoiding a possibly awkward situation with someone that I don&#8217;t know or care about? Or maybe today I&#8217;m just too worn out from explaining my identity and my life to everyone. Today I just don&#8217;t feel like having to be the one who explains what queer means, why I call my partner my wife even though we&#8217;re not legally married, or how important my job is to me and how I feel like I&#8217;m changing the world even if you think what I do is reprehensible. Sometimes I&#8217;m just not up for it. It drains you.</p>
<p>It&#8217;s a process. At this point I&#8217;m pretty open with everyone in my life about my relationship and my sexuality. However, I often let strangers assume whatever they want to unless I feel like they won&#8217;t give me shit or I feel like talking a whole lot that day. And, I&#8217;m not too open about what I do for work. I&#8217;m getting better now that I&#8217;m on the west coast. More people seem to be okay with it. But it&#8217;s just another thing I do that people frown upon and don&#8217;t understand.</p>
<p>So, while it is important for people to come out because it sucks to constantly lie about who you are and it&#8217;s important for others to know someone who is LGBTQIA or a sex worker, it&#8217;s also important to take care of yourself. It&#8217;s important to protect yourself in times of danger and to live your life instead of having to explain it all the time to everyone.</p>
<p>I look forward to a day when nothing is assumed and either everyone comes out or no one does. We just live our lives without having to explain.</p>
<div id="crp_related"><h3>Related Posts:</h3><ul><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/04/14/my-identity-is-erased/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">My Identity is Erased</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/02/18/losingafriend/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">The Pain of Losing a Friend</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2007/10/20/trans-women-and-dating/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Trans Women and Dating</a></li><li>Powered by <a href="http://ajaydsouza.com/wordpress/plugins/contextual-related-posts/">Contextual Related Posts</a></li></ul></div><p>====================<br />
This post, <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/11/national-coming-out-day/" rel="bookmark">National Coming Out Day</a>, originally appeared on <a href="http://askgarnet.com">Ask Garnet</a> on 10/11/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/11/national-coming-out-day/" rel="bookmark">National Coming Out Day</a>. Thanks for visiting!<br />
====================</p>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>Like High School</title>
		<link>http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/28/like-high-school/</link>
		<comments>http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/28/like-high-school/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 29 Sep 2010 04:15:40 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Garnet Joyce</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[meme]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rant]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://askgarnet.com/?p=1170</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>I often say that I&#8217;m easily star struck, but that&#8217;s not entirely true. It&#8217;s not about whether or not someone is a star. It&#8217;s more about whether or not I want the person to like me. This extends to people who are stars as well as those who aren&#8217;t. I get really nervous around my wife&#8217;s [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>I often say that I&#8217;m easily star struck, but that&#8217;s not entirely true. It&#8217;s not about whether or not someone is a star. It&#8217;s more about whether or not I want the person to like me. This extends to people who are stars as well as those who aren&#8217;t. I get really nervous around my wife&#8217;s parents for example because it would be truly unfortunate if they did not like me.</p>
<p>The problem is that I get really shy and have a difficult time forming thoughts and words. As my wife pointed out, I can talk to a room full of strangers about giving blowjobs, but I become a blushing mess when confronted with porn stars that most people don&#8217;t even know.</p>
<p>I&#8217;m currently feeling ridiculously anxious. I&#8217;m feeling about as nervous as I did in high school when I looked up to and so desperately wanted to be friends with this beautiful group of girls (and a couple guys) who were ravers, punks, and general outcasts. I&#8217;ve grown up now and San Francisco has become my high school and the cool outcast girls have turned into the sex educators and sex workers that I so admire.</p>
<p>I chat with them little bits at a time and hope that they remember my face, my name, my website, something. But I have to wonder if they draw any connections between the times that they interact with me. Is that time we chatted on twitter connected to the time you featured me in a post or the time I interviewed you or the time you thanked me for something I said or did? Or am I just another one of the thousands of people who fawn over you all the time? Am I noticed?</p>
<div>A sex educator friend of mine recently assured me that I am; that I even have somewhat of a reputation. And I should listen to that especially when people I meet connect the dots and realize that I&#8217;m *that* Garnet Joyce &#8211; are there others?</div>
<div id="crp_related"><h3>Related Posts:</h3><ul><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2008/02/22/how-to-be-a-sex-educator/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">How To Be a Sex Educator</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2009/11/20/in-which-i-assess-my-future/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">In Which I Assess My Future</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/03/09/tyingtheknot/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">When is the Right Time to Get Married?</a></li><li>Powered by <a href="http://ajaydsouza.com/wordpress/plugins/contextual-related-posts/">Contextual Related Posts</a></li></ul></div><p>====================<br />
This post, <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/28/like-high-school/" rel="bookmark">Like High School</a>, originally appeared on <a href="http://askgarnet.com">Ask Garnet</a> on 09/28/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/28/like-high-school/" rel="bookmark">Like High School</a>. Thanks for visiting!<br />
====================</p>
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		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
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		<title>National Sexual Freedom Day</title>
		<link>http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/23/national-sexual-freedom-day/</link>
		<comments>http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/23/national-sexual-freedom-day/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 23 Sep 2010 14:31:46 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Garnet Joyce</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[health]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rant]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sex education]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://askgarnet.com/?p=1166</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>Today is the first National Sexual Freedom Day hosted by the Woodhull Freedom Foundation. To help celebrate they&#8217;re hosting a blog carnival with the questions:</p>


What does sexual freedom as a  human right mean to you?
What legislative or social  changes would you like to see  to promote  sexual freedom?


I could talk about these [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Today is the first National Sexual Freedom Day hosted by the <a href="http://www.woodhullfoundation.org/" target="_blank">Woodhull Freedom Foundation</a>. To help celebrate they&#8217;re hosting a <a href="http://www.woodhullfoundation.org/announcing-the-national-sexual-freedom-day-blog-carnival/" target="_blank">blog carnival</a> with the questions:</p>
<div>
<ol>
<li>What does sexual freedom as a  human right mean to you?</li>
<li>What legislative or social  changes would you like to see  to promote  sexual freedom?</li>
</ol>
</div>
<div>I could talk about these topics ad nauseam, but instead I will focus on one major point. That is I believe that one of the fundamental human rights to sexual freedom includes quality comprehensive sex education.</div>
<div></div>
<div>We have a right to learn accurate, useful information about our bodies, our sexuality, the sexualities of others, how to protect ourselves, and how to give and receive pleasure. So many people do not even have the basic tools to navigate their own sexuality let alone someone else&#8217;s.</div>
<div></div>
<div>I&#8217;ve met women who don&#8217;t know where their clits are or who think they pee out of their vagina. There are so many women who have not yet achieved orgasm and so many men who feel it is their sole responsibility to give women orgasms with their dicks. And way too many people who think that the only way sex can happen is if a penis enters a vagina or maybe an ass.</div>
<div></div>
<div>I want to see abstinence only education stop being funded. It is a heterosexist, slut-shaming, untruthful &#8220;education.&#8221; It is time that the US recognized the fact that people are sexual beings and that sexuality can be a very healthy thing if treated as such. Repressing people and teaching them lies does not keep teens or adults from having sex; it makes them unprepared for when they start.</div>
<div></div>
<div>What does sexual freedom mean to you?</div>
<div></div>
<div>Want to support the Woodhull Freedom Foundation? <a href="http://www.sexbloggercalendar.com/" target="_blank">Buy a calendar</a>.</div>
<div><a href="http://www.woodhullfoundation.org/announcing-the-national-sexual-freedom-day-blog-carnival/"><img class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-1167" title="wff" src="http://askgarnet.com/wp-content/uploads/wff.png" alt="" width="200" height="221" /></a></div>
<div id="crp_related"><h3>Related Posts:</h3><ul><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/06/13/the-week-in-sex-3/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">The Week in Sex</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/27/scarleteen-blog-carnival-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Scarleteen Blog Carnival: Maslow&#8217;s Hierarchy of Needs</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/02/10/analyzingsexuality/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Analyzing Sexuality</a></li><li>Powered by <a href="http://ajaydsouza.com/wordpress/plugins/contextual-related-posts/">Contextual Related Posts</a></li></ul></div><p>====================<br />
This post, <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/23/national-sexual-freedom-day/" rel="bookmark">National Sexual Freedom Day</a>, originally appeared on <a href="http://askgarnet.com">Ask Garnet</a> on 09/23/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/23/national-sexual-freedom-day/" rel="bookmark">National Sexual Freedom Day</a>. Thanks for visiting!<br />
====================</p>
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		<title>Ebb and Flow</title>
		<link>http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/17/ebb-and-flow/</link>
		<comments>http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/17/ebb-and-flow/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 17 Sep 2010 21:15:19 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Garnet Joyce</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[MSP]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[porn]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rant]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[update]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://askgarnet.com/?p=1154</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>Wow, so apparently I&#8217;ve been neglecting my blog. That&#8217;s sad. I try hard and do so well for awhile, posting regularly &#8211; usually several times per week. But life ebbs and flows and so does blog writing.</p>
<p>I find it especially difficult to keep up with the blog when there are lots of new things going on [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Wow, so apparently I&#8217;ve been neglecting my blog. That&#8217;s sad. I try hard and do so well for awhile, posting regularly &#8211; usually several times per week. But life ebbs and flows and so does blog writing.</p>
<p>I find it especially difficult to keep up with the blog when there are lots of new things going on in my life. It takes awhile to recapture the balance of it all. Working for <a href="http://www.mypleasure.com/?AID=AskGarnet" target="_blank">MyPleasure</a>, writing for <a href="http://www.mysexprofessor.com/author/garnet/" target="_blank">MySexProfessor</a> and <a href="http://popmycherryreview.com/category/columns/ethical-pornographer/" target="_blank">PopMyCherryReview</a>, moving and settling into my new home in the Bay Area, and soon writing even more. It can be difficult to constantly come up with original content especially when you never intended to be a writer. Life is kind of funny like that. Speaking of writing, did you see that one of my posts from <a href="http://www.mysexprofessor.com/body-image/a-lack-of-plus-sized-lingerie/" target="_blank">MySexProfessor</a> was featured on <a href="http://jezebel.com/5639071/what-a-lack-of-plus+sized-lingerie-does-to-sex" target="_blank">Jezebel</a>? That was pretty exciting.</p>
<p>There&#8217;s lots of fun things coming up and I have yet to decide whether or not I will write about them &#8211; I guess we shall see after they happen. First, I will be attending two days of <a href="http://gv-ixff.org/film/" target="_blank">IXFF</a>: I will be at Lesbo Retro on the 22nd and the Competition and after party (and maybe pre-party) on the 23rd. If you see me say hi. I&#8217;m especially excited about this because Coyote Days, producer at <a href="http://goodreleasing.com/" target="_blank">Good Releasing</a>, will be there and she said she&#8217;s excited to meet me. The goal of having awesome sex positive friends in the community is coming together. Did I mention that I met Madison Young at her gallery recently? Unfortunately, I&#8217;m really easily start struck and tend to just be shy and a bit nerdy when in the presence of awesomeness.</p>
<p>Then on the 26th there&#8217;s <a href="http://folsomstreetfair.org/" target="_blank">Folsom Street Fair</a> which the wife and I will be attending. I&#8217;ve never been to anything like it since I&#8217;m from the midwest and all. I&#8217;m sure I will be shocked, surprised, turned on, and totally smitten.</p>
<p>On October 1st I will be at the <a href="http://www.sexbloggercalendar.com/" target="_blank">NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar</a> release party representing MyPleasure. This will be the first time a company I work for is sending me somewhere. It&#8217;s pretty cool and I hope to meet lots of fun people. And of course if you see me, please say hi. I tend to be a bit shy.</p>
<div id="crp_related"><h3>Related Posts:</h3><ul><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/22/interview-with-coyote-days-of-good-releasing/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Interview with Coyote Days of Good Releasing</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/10/my-life-is-full-of-win/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">My Life is Full of Win</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2011/03/02/spurts/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Spurts</a></li><li>Powered by <a href="http://ajaydsouza.com/wordpress/plugins/contextual-related-posts/">Contextual Related Posts</a></li></ul></div><p>====================<br />
This post, <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/17/ebb-and-flow/" rel="bookmark">Ebb and Flow</a>, originally appeared on <a href="http://askgarnet.com">Ask Garnet</a> on 09/17/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/09/17/ebb-and-flow/" rel="bookmark">Ebb and Flow</a>. Thanks for visiting!<br />
====================</p>
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		<title>&#8220;I&#8217;m a Feminist, but &#8230;&#8221;</title>
		<link>http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/27/im-a-feminist-but/</link>
		<comments>http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/27/im-a-feminist-but/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 27 Aug 2010 23:59:43 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Garnet Joyce</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[feminism]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[gender]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rant]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://askgarnet.com/?p=1042</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>This drives me crazy. There is this perception that feminists are haters of men. This just isn&#8217;t true. Sure, some feminists hate men but so do people who don&#8217;t identify as feminists. There is no real correlation here.</p>
<p>But what makes it worse is when people who identify as feminists say they&#8217;re feminists, but don&#8217;t hate men. [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>This drives me crazy. There is this perception that feminists are haters of men. This just isn&#8217;t true. Sure, some feminists hate men but so do people who don&#8217;t identify as feminists. There is no real correlation here.</p>
<p>But what makes it worse is when people who identify as feminists say they&#8217;re feminists, but don&#8217;t hate men. Celebrities, average people, and even feminist bloggers are guilty of this. When you say &#8220;I&#8217;m a feminist, but I don&#8217;t hate men&#8221; you help to feed the assumption that most feminists do hate men. The same could be true if you say &#8220;I&#8217;m a feminist, but I&#8217;m not a lesbian&#8221; or &#8220;I&#8217;m a feminist, but I shave my legs&#8221; or &#8220;I&#8217;m a feminist, but I still like to wear dresses.&#8221; Although, the bigger problem with all of those is the idea that the opposite is undesirable and somehow bad. These are all the things that the oppressive majority uses to keep feminism, and women in general, down. Nothing shuts down an argument quicker than completely dismissing someone because they are an ugly, fat, hairy lesbian. Because apparently if you are those things then you do not deserve to have an opinion.</p>
<p>But what they&#8217;re really saying is that you have these opinions because no man would want you anyway and here is where we get to the root of the problem with sexism. If you want a mate you have to appeal to men (lesbians and queer women are supposed to appeal to men as well) and apparently if you appeal to men then you have no desire to be a feminist. Because all your dreams are fulfilled in getting married and having your man&#8217;s babies?  I&#8217;m not really sure how all of that works. This is quite possibly the case because I&#8217;ve always been a strong feminist woman who does not back down. The mates I have had were interested in me <em>because</em> of these qualities, not despite them. And believe it or not, I&#8217;ve had way more male mates than female.</p>
<p>And this brings us full circle. Feminists don&#8217;t hate men, they hate the culture of male dominance. This is a big distinction that the mainstream doesn&#8217;t seem to understand.</p>
<p>So please, for the love of all things equal, stop saying &#8220;I&#8217;m a feminist, but &#8230;&#8221;</p>
<div id="crp_related"><h3>Related Posts:</h3><ul><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2007/11/20/feminism-and-relationships/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Feminism and Relationships</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/05/22/interview-with-scott-owens-of-eroticbpm/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Interview with Scott Owens of EroticBPM</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/04/14/my-identity-is-erased/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">My Identity is Erased</a></li><li>Powered by <a href="http://ajaydsouza.com/wordpress/plugins/contextual-related-posts/">Contextual Related Posts</a></li></ul></div><p>====================<br />
This post, <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/27/im-a-feminist-but/" rel="bookmark">&#8220;I&#8217;m a Feminist, but &#8230;&#8221;</a>, originally appeared on <a href="http://askgarnet.com">Ask Garnet</a> on 08/27/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/27/im-a-feminist-but/" rel="bookmark">&#8220;I&#8217;m a Feminist, but &#8230;&#8221;</a>. Thanks for visiting!<br />
====================</p>
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		<title>The End of Porn</title>
		<link>http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/04/the-end-of-porn/</link>
		<comments>http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/04/the-end-of-porn/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 05 Aug 2010 03:19:52 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Garnet Joyce</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[porn]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rant]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://askgarnet.com/?p=990</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>I always see people threatening that if people don&#8217;t start paying for porn that it will be the end of porn. This just isn&#8217;t true and in fact makes no sense at all. There has always been porn and there always will be porn. Nothing is changing there.</p>
<p>Porn has always been on the cutting edge of [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><!-- 		@page { margin: 0.79in } 		P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } -->I always see people threatening that if people don&#8217;t start paying for porn that it will be the end of porn. This just isn&#8217;t true and in fact makes no sense at all. There has always been porn and there always will be porn. Nothing is changing there.</p>
<p>Porn has always been on the cutting edge of technology. It has often been what drives technology forward. Look at VHS/DVD and the internet. And porn has to continue to be on the cutting edge in order to survive. Now is no different. Porn isn&#8217;t going away, but the porn that they&#8217;re talking about may just go away. Many large adult empires are clinging on to the way that they&#8217;ve done business for years. They don&#8217;t realize that the world is changing and they need to change along with it. It&#8217;s that particular business model of porn that is doing poorly. There are many newer companies that are thriving.</p>
<p>I&#8217;m not saying that I know the answers. I&#8217;m not on the cutting edge of pornography. But there are obviously answers out there. You can&#8217;t force people to pay for something that they can get for free. It&#8217;s just not going to happen. And no amount of protections you put on your product will make it so that people can&#8217;t share it. So really, that angle needs to stop. It didn&#8217;t do anything for the music industry and it&#8217;s not going to do anything for you.</p>
<p>It&#8217;s time to go back to the drawing board.</p>
<div id="crp_related"><h3>Related Posts:</h3><ul><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/04/28/snotty-blowjob/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Snotty Blowjob</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2009/12/09/the-decade-in-porn/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">The Decade in Porn</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/04/02/ethical-pornographer/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Ethical Pornographer</a></li><li>Powered by <a href="http://ajaydsouza.com/wordpress/plugins/contextual-related-posts/">Contextual Related Posts</a></li></ul></div><p>====================<br />
This post, <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/04/the-end-of-porn/" rel="bookmark">The End of Porn</a>, originally appeared on <a href="http://askgarnet.com">Ask Garnet</a> on 08/04/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/04/the-end-of-porn/" rel="bookmark">The End of Porn</a>. Thanks for visiting!<br />
====================</p>
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		<title>Love Letter to My Wife</title>
		<link>http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/03/love-letter-to-my-wife/</link>
		<comments>http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/03/love-letter-to-my-wife/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 03 Aug 2010 23:24:20 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Garnet Joyce</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[rant]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[relationships]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://askgarnet.com/?p=981</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p style="text-align: left;">Today is my wife&#8217;s birthday and because our lives are so hectic right now and we&#8217;re trying to save money we&#8217;ve forgone the bday presents this year. So I thought that instead of buying her something I would write her a love letter. If you&#8217;re here for the sex advice skip this entry, but [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p style="text-align: left;"><a rel="attachment wp-att-983" href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/03/love-letter-to-my-wife/me-and-glo/"><img class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-983" title="me and harper" src="http://askgarnet.com/wp-content/uploads/me-and-glo.jpg" alt="" width="480" height="360" /></a>Today is my wife&#8217;s birthday and because our lives are so hectic right now and we&#8217;re trying to save money we&#8217;ve forgone the bday presents this year. So I thought that instead of buying her something I would write her a love letter. If you&#8217;re here for the sex advice skip this entry, but if you like reading about people in love or are just interested in us as people, feel free to read on.</p>
<p>To my wife</p>
<p>I love you so much. We have experienced so much together over the past four years. We met, we fucked, we became good friends, and eventually we admitted our feelings for one another. Once the feelings were released it all went pretty fast. We fell in love, moved in together, got engaged, and married. Not every moment in our lives has been perfect, but I could not have picked a more perfect partner to share my life with. In some ways we are the same person and in others we are polar opposites, but that is what keeps life interesting. But even though we don&#8217;t always understand each other, we always try to and that is what is more important.</p>
<p>You are my snuggle monster, my carrier of heavy things, my 1 day of relief from cooking dinner- even though you hate to cook, my provider of warmth or cold depending on what is needed, my pedicurist, my tailor, my therapist, my sounding board, my protector, my Russian nesting doll of crazy, my proofreader, my cheerleader, my toughguy butch who is really just a squishy soft warm loving person on the inside, and so much more. You always strive to make my life easier, more comfortable, and happier and you have made my life richer in so many ways.</p>
<p>Every day I am surprised that I was able to land such a funny, intelligent, interesting, person who shares so many of my values in life. I am so proud of you and your accomplishments. You are going to do great things in life and I&#8217;m really looking forward to being able to see them firsthand.</p>
<p>The past four years have been amazing and I cannot wait to see what the next four years bring. I am really looking forward to the next chapter in our life. I cannot wait to embark upon this next adventure with you.</p>
<p>I love you honey. Happy Birthday.</p>
<p>Also, there will be a special birthday dinner :)</p>
<div id="crp_related"><h3>Related Posts:</h3><ul><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/02/18/losingafriend/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">The Pain of Losing a Friend</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/03/09/tyingtheknot/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">When is the Right Time to Get Married?</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/10/11/national-coming-out-day/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">National Coming Out Day</a></li><li>Powered by <a href="http://ajaydsouza.com/wordpress/plugins/contextual-related-posts/">Contextual Related Posts</a></li></ul></div><p>====================<br />
This post, <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/03/love-letter-to-my-wife/" rel="bookmark">Love Letter to My Wife</a>, originally appeared on <a href="http://askgarnet.com">Ask Garnet</a> on 08/03/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/08/03/love-letter-to-my-wife/" rel="bookmark">Love Letter to My Wife</a>. Thanks for visiting!<br />
====================</p>
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		<title>Stagliano Obscenity Charges Dropped</title>
		<link>http://askgarnet.com/2010/07/19/stagliano-obscenity-charges-dropped/</link>
		<comments>http://askgarnet.com/2010/07/19/stagliano-obscenity-charges-dropped/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 19 Jul 2010 18:38:18 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Garnet Joyce</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[ethics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fetish]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[news]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[porn]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rant]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://askgarnet.com/?p=927</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[<p>Late last week John “Buttman” Stagliano&#8217;s case was dismissed from court for not enough evidence. This is a great relief for the porn community and should be a relief for all really.</p>
<p>Stagliano was charged with obscenity and was facing up to 32 years in prison and $7 million in fines. Many compared this to the sentence [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><!-- 		@page { margin: 0.79in } 		P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } -->Late last week John “Buttman” <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/07/16/AR2010071605750.html" target="_blank">Stagliano&#8217;s case was dismissed from court</a> for not enough evidence. This is a great relief for the porn community and should be a relief for all really.</p>
<p>Stagliano was charged with obscenity and was facing up to 32 years in prison and $7 million in fines. Many compared this to the sentence handed to Oscar Grant&#8217;s murderer who received just 14 years in jail for a crime witnessed around the world .</p>
<p>The obscenity in question featured 3 movies which had such apparently depraved things as female ejaculation (I&#8217;ve seen urination cited as one of the violations and I wonder if this is what they are referring to or if there is also urination), milk enemas, ass sex, foot fetish, BDSM, and puppy play. All of the players in the movies were consenting adults. All of the people who would be viewing the movies would also be consenting adults as long as there was no coercion by outside sources having nothing to do with the films themselves or Stagliano. How exactly is this worse than shooting someone? Even if the content of the videos is not something that turns you on, why should it be charged as obscene and the creator thrown in jail with hefty fines? The same could happen for the creator of something that <em>does</em> turn you on. It&#8217;s a slippery slope.</p>
<p>Thankfully Stagliano has been let go. But I must worry for other such pornographers who push the envelope. The envelope that is sometimes not even all that far outside of the norm. For example, did you know that fisting is considered to be obscene and distributors will not let it appear in DVD format? Fisting is an incredibly common act in the queer community and something that ends up getting cut from a lot of films where queer actors are told to have the kind of sex that they love to have. And is female ejaculation really pushing the envelope? Many women do it. It&#8217;s not even something that a lot of women do by choice. It is a natural reaction to their orgasms. How exactly is that any more obscene then men ejaculating?</p>
<p>I do hope that this sets some sort of precedent, but I worry that it won&#8217;t because the case was thrown out for insufficient evidence. Had Stagliano been judged not guilty then the precedent could have been set and it would have been more difficult to convict pornographers after this. Although I am curious how much evidence is needed when prosecutors had an entire video catalogue to choose from.</p>
<p>Obscenity laws are supposedly meant to protect people, but I have to wonder who they think they are protecting. If anything, the adult industry needs to stop being shamed all the time and there needs to be more of a focus on enhancing the working environments for sex workers. But that&#8217;s another argument for another day, one I&#8217;m always making.</p>
<div id="crp_related"><h3>Related Posts:</h3><ul><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2007/12/17/female-ejaculation-or-squirting/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Female Ejaculation or Squirting</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2008/11/02/oddest-searches-october-2008/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">Oddest Searches October 2008</a></li><li><a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/02/18/losingafriend/" rel="bookmark" class="crp_title">The Pain of Losing a Friend</a></li><li>Powered by <a href="http://ajaydsouza.com/wordpress/plugins/contextual-related-posts/">Contextual Related Posts</a></li></ul></div><p>====================<br />
This post, <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/07/19/stagliano-obscenity-charges-dropped/" rel="bookmark">Stagliano Obscenity Charges Dropped</a>, originally appeared on <a href="http://askgarnet.com">Ask Garnet</a> on 07/19/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: <a href="http://askgarnet.com/2010/07/19/stagliano-obscenity-charges-dropped/" rel="bookmark">Stagliano Obscenity Charges Dropped</a>. Thanks for visiting!<br />
====================</p>
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