Relationships | Ask Garnet

Wife Unsure About Sex With Others

My partner and I have been together for about 15 years. We have a secure and trusting relationship. We’ve talked about her sleeping with another person (man or woman) off and on for a couple of years. I’m absolutely fine with it. In fact it turns me on a bit. But she is still reluctant. She wants to but she still thinks I might not be okay with it afterwords. What steps can I take to reassure her that it’s fine with me? I don’t see sex as cheating. Or is it me that’s wrong? What are the steps we can take to go down this path?

We don’t have kids – if that makes a difference.

Let me start off by saying that kids don’t make a lick of difference here.

Okay now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’d say that in general you guys are taking the right steps. There’s obviously been a lot of communication, which is supremely important if you’re thinking about opening up your relationship. And what there needs to be more of also is communication. Its not surprising that she is worried about how you will react afterwords. She obviously values your relationship a great deal and doesn’t want to screw it up. Traditionally, sex outside of relationships has been known to screw things up. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

So how much more communication can there be? How about instead of trying to convince her that you’ll be okay after she sleeps with someone else, you move the topic to how you both plan on checking in with each other after she does. There is the possibility that you may feel ways that you don’t expect to feel and if you’re both prepared with how to deal with those feelings then the more likely this will all go smoothly. Talk about jealousy. Talk about what things you only want her to do with you. But make sure that before she has sex with someone else that you set up an appointment with each other for afterwords to check in on how you’re both feeling.

Before you both dive into the deep end I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up, which is about all kinds of open relationships. It will help you to set ground rules between the both of you (including having her always use protection!!) and help guide you through the process. She also has a website where you can talk to other people going through the same issues you are and even find local support communities.

Whether or not sex is cheating really depends on the people in the relationship. There are a lot of people in open relationships who definitely wouldn’t consider sex with others to be cheating as long as their partner was being honest about it. Some couples may be okay with vaginal sex outside of the relationship but reserve anal for each other. And then there are other couples who consider viewing pornography as cheating. So its all really up to the couple to decide and discuss. Just remember to communicate and be safe.

Web Cam Sex

I’m looking for advice on posing on a web cam for a significant other.

Just like any sexual activity that involves one or more people, communication is going to be your best bet. Ask what your significant other wants to see. You may be surprised by the answers! That gut you’ve always despised may be one of your sexiest features according to your partner. And while you may think they want a closeup of your genitals, it may turn out that they rather watch your face while you orgasm.

I actually used to do some work as a cam girl so I have a little bit of experience in this field. A lot is going to really depend on how fast both you and your S.O.’s internet connections are. Obviously, the faster your internet the smoother the show will go.

If your connections are slow then it is going to be more like posing for a camera rather than acting in a film. If you have a slow connection you will have more time to set up for shots and that can be a lot of fun. However, in the end it may just end up being frustrating as you’d like to get on with the action instead of just posing. In that case you may want to take turns where one poses while the other masturbates. If your connections are faster and you can see most movements without any real blur then you can have all kinds of fun.

Probably the most important guideline is to make sure you have a window up that allows you to see yourself on cam. Try to have it mirrored as well, so that you can more easily move while looking at yourself on cam. This will allow you to see what your partner sees instead of just hoping that you’re showing them what you think you’re showing them.

Think of it like you’re going on a date, but also like you’re putting on a show. Make sure you’re clean and dressed nicely (or kinkily depending on what you’re going for). Presentation is important. You might even want to dress up for the occasion. You can do a lot more with a dress shirt and tie than you can with just a t-shirt. Wear nice underwear. No one likes to see a strip tease that results in stained or holey underpants.

Put on some music. It will help set the mood for you and help you to move in a more relaxed manner. But make sure you put on a sexy playlist instead of having your mp3s on shuffle. Nothing can ruin a sexy moment more than a Sesame Street song playing in the middle of a masturbation session (C is for Cookie has a whole new meaning for me).

Try to romance the webcam. Don’t just rip your clothes off and rub one out. Take your time. Do a striptease first. Use props. Select what your partner sees and doesn’t see. Caress yourself. Make them want more. Especially if this is a long distance relationship this can be important. You don’t want your sex life to be ‘wam bam thank you ma’am’ whether you’re in person or on cam.

Remember to tell your partner when you think something they do is hot. Encouragement can make the whole thing a lot hotter. Tell them how much watching them gets you hot. Ask for the same kind of encouragement if you want more than they are giving.

But mostly, have fun with it. Don’t take yourself or the show too seriously. Silly things are going to happen that you wouldn’t expect and that’s OK. Just laugh it off.

AWOL

I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL lately. I love writing this blog, but I’ve just been too busy. What with working 6 days a week AND planning a wedding its just been too hard. And this isn’t going to change until after the wedding most likely. So don’t expect to hear too much from me until after the big day (March 21st!). But if you’re hard up to read up on sex let me give you some great book recommendations to keep you busy until I have a little more time.

- Good Vibrations Guide to Sex 3rd edition- This book is an all inclusive book on sex that features drawings of all kinds of people with all kinds of bodies and kinks. I highly recommend it.

- I Love Female Orgasm- And who doesn’t? This is a great book to learn more about women, their anatomy, their desires, and how to make them happy. It is especially useful for women who may have a hard time having orgasms

- Opening Up- This is a great book for those interested in non-monogamous relationships of all kinds. Don’t be a cheater! If you don’t dig monogamy learn how to be honest and have fulfilling relationships.

- Healing Sex- Have you or someone you love been the victim of sexual abuse? This book can really help get past those traumas to have a healthy sexual relationship again.

- Sex for One- This book literally changed my life. Its all about female masturbation and loving your body.

- She Comes First- This is a fabulous and extremely informative book on giving oral sex to women.

- The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability- This is a great book for anyone who has or is with someone who has a disability or suffers from chronic pain. Learn how to make sex easier and better.

- Yes Means Yes- This is easily one of the best books I’ve ever read. This book is very different from the rest. It is full of feminist essays with the goal of changing our culture of rape. One of the strongest messages to walk away with is how we view consent. We should be celebrating sex and sexuality and seeking out enthusiastic consent instead of just hoping to not hear a ‘no.’ And for those of you in Chicago, the editors of Yes Means Yes will be at Women and Children First bookstore on February 19th at 7:30.

Can anyone else recommend any good books about sex?

Giving Thanks to the Voices

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What are you thankful for?

I’m thankful for sex toys, obviously. Love ‘em!

I’m also always thankful for those who speak out; those who give voice to their pain and oppression. It helps others in those same positions to know that they are not alone and that they too can fight. It is never easy, but it is always important. An old friend of mine sent me a link to her blog, Never Another Woman and I found it to be very powerful. She talks about how she was abused by her husband, but not in the ways that we usually think of. When most people think of domestic violence they think of Lifetime movies where the women are physically knocked around and possibly sexually abused as well. This woman was, and many men and women are and were, in a controlling, verbally abusive relationship. She speaks out about how he made her feel worthless and crazy. He made her feel like she was a bad mother and an awful wife. He separated her from all of her support networks so that she had no one to turn to. And because this kind of abuse was psychological in nature, she felt it was all her fault; she felt she deserved it.

But now she is speaking out. She is one small voice on the internet, but she is a powerful one. In telling her story she is able to reach out to many more people who are in the same position and to others who may not know about these kinds of abuse. What she is doing is important and risky.

So pass the link on. Pass on her story. You never know who it might help. She also has links to resources for domestic abuse and even has some forums set up for people to talk about the issues she addresses.

I hope you all have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

Polyamory

I would like to hear your point of view on 3somes … polyamorous relationships. Having sex with a third party. Any advice on positions, how to deal with emotions and how to keep it equal?

Relationships are a lot of work, a lot of really hard work. They require constant open communication, compromise, and vulnerability. Polyamorous relationships are even more work than regular old monogamy. All parties involved need to sit down and make ground rules and figure out what to do about jealousy if it arises, and it usually does. There needs to be a lot of open, honest communication and compromise or these types of relationships will absolutely not work. Some people really like the idea of polyamory, but just can’t talk openly about these things and there ends up being a big mess. It can be difficult for many since in our society we are taught to not talk about these things. Many people just expect others to read their minds and this can be frustrating enough in monogamy and really end up ruining the relationship, but forget about it when it comes to polyamory.

As far as positions go, well that’s where you can be creative. There are all kinds of things to try from each giving the other one oral sex to double penetration to having one person worshiped by the other two. There are all kinds of possibilities depending on what everyone likes and is in the mood for. Just talking about it and coming up with new ideas could be a hot venture in itself.

So really everything I’m saying here is that communication is the key to great sex and relationships no matter what type you are involved in. Also, you should always practice safer sex especially with the more people you bring into your relationships.

For more information on polyamory/open relationships check out The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Both are really great books by women who are in open or poly relationships themselves.

The 3 C’s of Sex

Curvaceous Dee wrote a great blog this week about the 3 C’s of sex, “Conversation, communication, and consent.” She is specifically referring to her poly relationships, but I think that everyone can really learn a lot from what she says whether you’re in a monogamous long term relationship, poly, or single.

Check it out here: Co-operation makes it happen by Curvaceous Dee