Sex And Disability | Ask Garnet

The Pain of Life

When I decided to do a 31 day challenge I somehow forgot about the normal pains that I experience in my life that make it difficult to masturbate at particular times. Sure, I can go 31 days without using my Hitachi, but it is near impossible for me to masturbate for 31 days in a row. I have masturbated a few times over the past week + and I’ve mostly used the Eroscillator and Inspire as those have been the most successful. However, life pains have gotten in the way.

There was the day when I was totally in the mood and I started to masturbate with the Inspire only to have the headache that had been sitting in the back of my brain to come out full force. For some, masturbation can be a great headache reliever. I, unfortunately, only get worse headaches – and sometimes I don’t have a headache but orgasm will bring it on.

Somehow I managed to forget that at some point during the 31 days I would get my period. How does one forget such things after menstruating for 20 years? For some, masturbation relieves cramping. For me, masturbation brings on cramping.

Then there was last night. Last night was the worst. I had just gotten the Jimmyjane Form 2 to test out and I was totally in the mood, but the arthritis in my hands required a slathering of Ben Gay which was going to go nowhere near my genitals. I’m not a masochist. I really hope I get to use it today, but it’s difficult to take it easy on my hands when my job requires so much computer time.

I was a little worried that the spike in libido had everything to do with my cycle. I almost always finally start to feel sexy right before my period starts because I’ve been off my hormonal birth control for long enough for my own hormones to take over. I’ve been back on the pill for a week and a half now but my libido is still there. It’s not strong, but it’s definitely there. I even had a sex dream last night! It was about the Gilmore Girls, but we can’t pick our sex dreams.

And in other good news, one of the times I masturbated with the Inspire I had STRONG orgasms! It’s the first time in the challenge that this has happened without the aide of my wife. I had them all by myself … and a vibrator.

How Do You Define Your Sexuality? Contest!

Sexuality is an extremely complex thing that we try so hard to define in one or two word answers. But it’s just not that easy. There is who you are attracted to, what you are attracted to, what turns you on, what you fantasize about, what you wish didn’t turn you on, who you become romantically interested in, how high or low your libido is, how you achieve intimacy, how many partners you prefer to have, how your body responds or does not respond, etc etc etc. And unfortunately, most of us are not taught to explore what our sexuality is beyond straight/gay/bisexual or kinky/vanilla. And some people don’t even get that much exploration.

So I’m curious, how do you identify? What makes up your sexuality? Do you just choose to use simple words or do you feel that your sexuality is more complex and maybe even fluid? Have you not given it a whole lot of thought? Why not?

Leave me a comment letting me know exactly how you currently identify and maybe even the path in which you’ve traveled to reach your sexual identity. To make the deal a little sweeter I’ll throw in a copy of Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality. One of you will be chosen at random to win this sexy DVD which I reviewed a couple months ago. The DVD is provided by Good Vibrations, but unfortunately does not have the DVD case, just a paper sleeve. But really, you just want the porn anyway. Who needs a case?

You know what? Lets make this deal even sweeter. The second runner up will receive a free hour of video on demand porn from HotMoviesForHer. Yeah, I just decided that right now. That’s how I roll.

For more ways to enter check out Mistress Kay’s blog. She’s the one who motivated me to throw together this contest anyway. In her contest post she also explores what her sexual identity is and what it means to her. So what are you waiting for? Enter!

Or stick around and read about how I define my sexuality and then enter. Either way.

Like I said earlier, sexuality is complex and mine is no different. In fact my sexuality has often frustrated me. You see I’m more physically attracted to women, but more emotionally attracted to men. This has often made relationships difficult for me since I often fell in love with men, but was more attracted to women. At one point I was completely madly in love with a man but when we’d have sex I’d sometimes lick his perineum like it was a clit and finger his asshole like it was a vagina. He never seemed to mind, but I don’t think he really knew what was going through my head anyway.

Don’t get me wrong though. I love having sex with both men and women. And in fact, often enjoyed having sex with men more. I blame this on the fact that I just had so many more male partners than female ones. When you have a bigger pot you’re picking from you’ll probably get more fantastic lovers … as well as awful ones.

For a very long time I was only attracted to people with pretty standard gender presentations. I didn’t really understand being attracted to people who defied gender norms until a)I became a gender and women’s studies major and b)I met my wife. Both opened my mind a whole bunch and led me to change my orientation label from bisexual to queer. I love the word queer because it is all encompassing. Now I tend to be attracted to a lot of different gender representations. I even often find that when people play with gender it’s fucking hot. I’m really only not attracted to douchebags and sorority girls. And yes, I actually think of those as gender identities even if they don’t. It makes sense to me.

On the spectrum of monogamy and non-monogamy I’m not really sure where I’m at. I’ve always tended towards monogamy in my serious relationships, but my relationships have often been very short lived. Now I find myself in a marriage with a woman I have been with for almost 4 years. That’s a long time. So we plan to explore. I figure that infidelity ruins a lot of relationships and I don’t want it to ruin mine. It just seems so unlikely to expect someone to be able to remain completely faithful for such a long time. I prefer to avoid that all together by opening things up and creating that trust.

My turn ons are things that I am not supposed to be turned on by. That’s what really gets me going. I like inappropriateness. If I’m supposed to be somewhere else, if I should be doing something else, if the location is all wrong, if it’s really really bad porn, or a stranger I don’t even find attractive whose body is pressed up against mine in a crowded train. All of these things make my genitals tingle probably because I keep yelling at them in my head to stop.

I’m also really turned on by seeing other people turned on. It doesn’t tend to matter who it is. I just love to see the look of ecstasy on people’s faces. Mix this with inappropriateness and we have a whole new game of awful things to be turned on by. You have no idea.

I’m turned on by sex toys, Old Spice deodorant, necking, big round booties, suggestive visuals, laughing, feeling powerful, the way different fabrics feel on my naked body, intelligence, longing, playfulness, flirting with cute strangers, being seduced, dorkyness, trashy boys, and androgyny.

I don’t tend to consider myself to be kinky, but am open to kinkiness in general and have participated in many acts that are far from vanilla. I have no interest in group sex as I prefer to focus my attention on one person at a time.

I have chronic pain that interferes with my sex life a great deal. At the top of that list is having arthritis in my hands and wrists. This can make sex very difficult especially on days with lots of pain. Luckily for me, I have a very understanding partner who doesn’t need a whole lot of warming up and doesn’t mind finishing herself off.

So that’s just the tip of the iceberg with me. How about you? You don’t have to go into the detail that I did if you don’t want to.

Oh and the rules:

contest ends at 11:59PM CST on 6/6/10
winners will be picked at random
leave a comment here telling me how you define your sexuality
leave a comment on Mistress Kay’s blog telling her why you want the DVD
Tweet up to twice per week (on different days) mentioning the contest with a link to either mine or Mistress Kay’s blog as well as an @ on one of us (I’m GarnetJoyce and she’s mistress_kay). If you tweet more than this you will have points deducted for being annoying.

Get crackin!

EDIT: Apparently comments have been getting caught by my spam filter. If this happens, just send me an email with your comment and I’ll post it myself. I will look into fixing this, but it may be difficult since I get a TON of spam and I don’t want to turn anything off.

Sex and Dis/Ability Survey

This is a message from a truly special lady: Essin’Em

Call for Participants: Sexually Able

Sexually Able aims to bring light upon sexuality and dis/ability, and create a path for peoples’ voices to be heard.

What is it? It’s a large scale survey of self identified people with disabilities and their partners. Eventually, it’ll be turned into a book for people to read, enjoy and see the rich and diverse sexuality that is within the disability community.

Why is this needed? As we enter the second decade of the 21st century, there is still a large gap in people’s minds when they think about sexuality as it relates to people with disabilities, whether cognitively or physically. While some studies have been performed regarding the potential for differently-able people to lead satisfying sexual lives, in which satisfying seems to center around the ability to orgasm, very little has been written about the experiences involving the sexualities and experiences of people who identify as people with disabilities/ handicapped/disabled/differently-able, as well as their partners.

People of all ability levels are sexual beings. Sex is hard enough to navigate and negotiate when one fits in with society’s notions of what a sexual being is, but once you add in the concept of ability, it can become quite challenge. This book, through these surveys, seeks to bring forward the stories, challenges and experiences of people of various ability levels and their partners, putting a face on the trials that so many valuable members of our society must face and the positive experiences as well. By sharing the experiences of the dis/ability community in relation to sexuality, Sexually Able hopes to challenge people’s viewpoints, foster discussion and conversation, and open doors towards a shift in the social constructions surrounding sexuality and disability.

What does it involve?

Just fill out one of the surveys (for people with disabilities or for partners of PWD), send it in, and have your voice and experiences heard. You’re welcome to take your time, and fill in as much or as little information as you’d like. If you need assistance in completing your survey, please let us know. Please feel free to pass this site/these surveys on to your friends, lovers, support groups, therapists, doctors, caregivers, and anyone else that may identify as having a disability or as a partner of someone with a disability.

For more information and/or to fill out the surveys, please visit http://sexuallyable.wordpress.com. Questions? Email SexuallyAbleBook@gmail.com.

Who is behind Sexually Able?

Shanna Katz M.Ed is a full spectrum sexuality educator with a Master’s of Human Sexuality Education from Widener University. She is currently based in Phoenix, AZ, is the resident sexuality educator for Fascinations, and a member of AASECT (the American Association of Sexuality Educator, Counselors and Therapists). As a sexuality educator, she travels the country teaching workshops at colleges, sex toy stores, dungeons, sexuality conferences and more.

Shanna has a special interest in working in sexuality and dis/ability, and runs workshops and discussions about the intersection of these identities, how to build sex positivity in communities of PWD, negotiating disability in a BDSM context and more. She’s also working on an anthology regarding sexuality and dis/ability, entitled Sexual Ability. Please see the call for submissions to submit an essay.

Note on definitions of disability (or the lack of): This survey is for those who identify as someone with a disability, someone who is disable, someone who is differently able, any other such identity and the partners of the former. There is no hierarchy of disability, nor is there any exact definition. If you identify as one of the aforementioned, please feel free to take the survey.