Today is National Coming Out Day. I think that coming out is a concept that a lot of people really don’t seem to understand. Or at least people who don’t have anything to come out about don’t understand.
In general people who vary from the norm have to come out because everyone is assumed to be the norm unless otherwise specified. Heterosexuals, cis-gendered, and vanilla people rarely have to come out if ever. The exceptions being for those who may not fit perfectly into the gender that society expects them to have. Men who are “not masculine enough” or women who are “too masculine” sometimes have to come out as heterosexual, or at least spend time having to try to convince the rest of the world that they’re not queer.
But see here’s the thing that a lot of people really don’t understand. Coming out isn’t something you do just once or twice. Coming out is something you do for your entire life. Every time you meet someone you have to decide whether or not that person should know that you are who you are. It’s often a weighing of pros and cons. What kind of reaction do I think this person will have? Does my taxi driver need to know I’m queer? Does my dentist need to know? Does the woman sitting next to me on the airplane need to know that I work in the adult industry? If I don’t tell people am I hiding or am I just avoiding a possibly awkward situation with someone that I don’t know or care about? Or maybe today I’m just too worn out from explaining my identity and my life to everyone. Today I just don’t feel like having to be the one who explains what queer means, why I call my partner my wife even though we’re not legally married, or how important my job is to me and how I feel like I’m changing the world even if you think what I do is reprehensible. Sometimes I’m just not up for it. It drains you.
It’s a process. At this point I’m pretty open with everyone in my life about my relationship and my sexuality. However, I often let strangers assume whatever they want to unless I feel like they won’t give me shit or I feel like talking a whole lot that day. And, I’m not too open about what I do for work. I’m getting better now that I’m on the west coast. More people seem to be okay with it. But it’s just another thing I do that people frown upon and don’t understand.
So, while it is important for people to come out because it sucks to constantly lie about who you are and it’s important for others to know someone who is LGBTQIA or a sex worker, it’s also important to take care of yourself. It’s important to protect yourself in times of danger and to live your life instead of having to explain it all the time to everyone.
I look forward to a day when nothing is assumed and either everyone comes out or no one does. We just live our lives without having to explain.
So y’all know I’m moving. Turns out it’s damn stressful to move across the country! I’ve moved many many times before, but it’s usually in the same city. The only times I’ve moved long distances were when there wasn’t much to move. So this is kinda crazy. If you follow me on twitter you’ve heard my bitching.
So the move is about 6 weeks away and I’m just researching things like crazy, but nothing is as good as advice from others. Anyone do a cross country move before? What did you do to make it easier/cut costs?
As of right now it looks like we will have our stuff driven in a container on a truck with a bunch of other people’s stuff. It seems to be the cheapest and easiest route. However, with 15 different moving companies contacting me all the time I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. In fact, I thought I’d finally found a company that looked really awesome to then realize that they only do moves that originate in California, not the other way around. I’ve researched the other 15 companies with the BBB and I’ve narrowed it down to 6 which is still too many. So who have you used? What was your experience?
Also, anyone in the SF Bay Area know of any jobs in sex education/outreach/PR? I’m looking for work out there and while Craigslist is helpful, networking is always better. Please put in a good word for me/point me in the right direction.
Thanks all! I’m going to finish this here mudslide in hopes that it will take some of the edge off …
I was recently asked to weigh in on a debate happening on the message boards I hang out on. I’m the resident sexpert so there are times when I am definitely in need. The topic was Ass to Mouth (ATM) which specifically means when a guy fucks someone in the ass and then that person gives him a blowjob. They were specifically talking about seeing it in porn. I’ve never seen it in porn myself, but I think that’s because I tend to watch feminist/indie/queer porn.
This is what I wrote:
First of all, no one’s dick should be going in anyone’s ass without a condom. Even if you are both disease free and monogamous the guy can get some pretty nasty infections from barebacking. We’re talking urinary, bladder, and kidney infections here. So always wear a condom for ass sex please.
And if you’re wearing a condom for ass sex then ATM should never make a difference because you can just pull the condom off or switch condoms to blow him. Simple as pie.
If for some reason you decide to not follow my earlier advice and decide that a burning feeling while you piss might be a fun thing to try, then I would highly recommend that you do not stick your dick in anyone’s mouth after it’s been in an ass. You can get e-coli or hepatitis. Hell you can just get e-coli from rimming so what do you think it’s like if you’re basically licking 6 inches inside of someone’s ass?
Please have more respect for your sexual partners as well as sex workers. Sex workers are people too and the more you promote their safety (ie no ATM, safer sex practices, autonomy, etc.) the longer they’ll work and the happier they’ll be. I personally think it’s way hotter to watch pornstars who like fucking and enjoy every second of it instead of ones who are coerced into practices that are unsafe.
I understand that accidents happen and sometimes you’re in the moment and forget what you’re doing. But once you realize it, please stop and go wash up real quick before you keep going. It’s better to be happy, healthy, and safe.
A wonderfully nerdy lady needs your help. The brains and beauty behind Geek Girls Online has cervical cancer and needs your help. Her guy and her were having trouble making ends meet before she found out she had cancer and now it’s going to be pretty much impossible. Between the surgery and other treatment as well as not being able to make money as a sex worker for a couple months while she recovers means that they can’t support themselves or their young daughter. Any donation, no matter how small would really help them out. I just donated $20 myself. I have a lot of upcoming looming costs with my move across the country coming up in less than 7 weeks, but I could still find a little money in my budget to help her out. I hope you can too. Because after all, who else will dress up like a Harry Potter character and masturbate with a magic wand for us? Yes, that’s a picture of me at a coffee shop watching a video of the lovely Miss Athena Hollow.
Read her story and donate.
One of the main arguments I often hear against porn performers practicing safer sex is that porn is supposed to be a fantasy and condoms ruin that fantasy. Can you see why this might be a bit of an issue in getting people to protect themselves against unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?
I mean not only are the porn performers themselves being put at risk for contracting STIs, but this notion is helping to perpetuate the idea that really sexy sex is unprotected. The same goes for erotica, romance novels, romantic comedies, sitcoms, etc. Out culture has created a narrative in which sex only feels good and looks sexy if no one is protected. We’re all suffering from this narrative, but sex workers are probably suffering the most.
I understand that in your fantasy world you won’t want to think about pregnancy or diseases. I get that, I really do. However, wouldn’t it be more beneficial to just think of safer sex items as sexy in themselves? Why does a condom or a glove have to make you think about HIV or HPV? Why can’t it be just like another sex toy? Or just something that is equated with sex. Why don’t we see unprotected sex and think these things? Wouldn’t that be a bit more accurate anyway? A condom, a dental dam, or a glove could all easily help us focus on the action because we know we don’t have to worry about the health of our fantasy players. They are a-ok and going to have super hot sex with absolutely nothing to worry about. Where as if we don’t see those things we instead worry for our sexy idols and that worry gets in the way of our ability to become aroused and get off. What would that do for the rates of unwanted pregnancies and STIs in general and for the health of sex workers specifically?
And why do safer sex supplies get such a bad wrap anyway? I’ve had people scrunch up their nose and say, “but that’s not exactly sexy” when I talk about using gloves (in butts no less – where poop is! Because poop on your bare hand is definitely way sexier than gloves). How are gloves not sexy? They can help to transform your hand into a sex toy.
As a paper pusher I always have paper cuts on my hands. And you know what can be really distracting from sexy time? Acidic vaginal juices stinging the hell out of those cuts. Or maybe you have a hangnail or a nail that chipped too close to the skin and you don’t want to cut it off just yet. Gloves! Or maybe you have calluses on your hands and your partner just enjoys a smoother, less frictiony ride. And you don’t have to wear those white gloves that your doctor wears – unless you have a medical fetish and that gets you all kinds of hot – there are other colors. There are black, blue (non latex), and purple (non-latex). Ooh I even found red! Although, they’re vinyl so they won’t fit quite so well.
And then there are condoms. There are so many fancy ones on the market these days that can turn a cock into a sex toy. You can have a studded cock without ever having to go to a piercer, or maybe you want studs AND ribs, you can have super thin condoms that keep you protected but make it feel like you’re wearing a little less, you can make your cock glow in the dark and play hide the radioactive tube, condoms that provide more head room, speaking of head room here’s one that has a whole twist, ones that transfer heat (non latex) really well, maybe you just want your dick to taste really good but also be vegan. Or you could just have one of everything and try them all. So many options!
Then there’s always the argument that you have to stop the action to get the safer sex supplies and put them on/put them to work. I call bullshit. First of all, if you’re planning on playing you should have them within reach. Secondly, make it part of the fun, part of the anticipation. If my wife can get up to go wash a dildo in the middle of us having sex you can take the time to put on a glove or a condom. And that’s just part of the fun. Putting it on means that it’s go time. Plus, if it’s a condom, it can always be put on with your partner’s mouth.
Image from www.goddess-kicks.com
I have a few friends who are sex workers and I’m always asking them to write blog posts for me because I think it is super interesting to peer into their lives. I’ve done sex work myself so I’m especially interested in the friends who are doing different kinds of work than I did. I finally got someone to do a post for me! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. And please remember to always be respectful. Without further ado I give you Mistress S …
While I have only been a professional dominatrix for less than a year, my clients never cease to provide me with entertainment. Certainly there are parts of the job that are enlightening regarding the amazing variety of desires and expressions of human sexuality that exist. There are times that are a bit sad, a bit repulsive or (oddly enough) down right cute. But for now I want to share a story about tormenting testicles.
Not long ago I saw one man at his hotel in downtown Chicago for what I understood to be a foot fetish session. He did lavish attention on my feet as he knelt on the floor and I remained comfortably seated, feet dangling off a comfy bed. But as he kissed, stroked and rubbed my feet on his face he decided that we should have a serious discussion, a discussion about the profound experience of kicking a man in the balls. He managed to jabber on for an hour the handful of occasions where he had given women the “amazing and life-changing opportunity” to kick him in the balls. He claimed these women had expressed a release like nothing else in their life, confidence and catharsis. I nodded along mentally rolling my eyes as he continued his monologue.
As our hour together came to a close (he only paid for one hour) he looked at me with great intensity and asked me if I would like to experience this life-changing act. I have to say I’ve never kicked a man in the balls before so for all I knew he might be right. He instructed me that the best way to experience this was for him to be naked, on all fours on the floor with me standing behind him. I stepped out of the way as he ceremoniously got into the proper position. And there he was, man ass in the air and ball sack dangling there all for me. Now, I’ve never been a very coordinated person and harkening back to playing kickball at school I worried that with this small target that I might miss. I asked him if I could practice going through the motion to make sure I hit the mark. He consented and I did a practice swing of my leg making contact with the top of my foot. I was all set. The room was completely silent. He turned his head and asked me if I was ready for this amazing moment. All I could think about was getting the deed done, so far it was boring as hell. So I pulled my leg back and kicked him moderately hard right in the nuts. He grunted and I felt no different. “Kick harder” he said. I kicked him harder. He collapsed onto the floor looking winded and lay on his back. “So how did that feel?” He eagerly asked. I lied and said I felt relieved and relaxed. He still looked at me expectantly waiting for more. The best I could come up with at that moment was faked sincere “thank you for giving me this opportunity.” He smiled as he got dressed. And I smiled as I left with an envelope of cash.
If you’re a sex worker and would like to share a story, send me an email.