I don’t like the design of most remote vibrators. I tend to think of them as a sort of novelty in the beginning stages of development. There just never seems to be a great way to wear them. The boxes will often direct you to wear the bullet inside of your vagina and while many women enjoy a vibe in their vagina, it’s nowhere near as pleasurable as on their clit. But if they want one on their clit they usually only have the option of either wearing it in their underwear, creating an unsightly bulge and the possibility of it shifting and/or falling out, or getting a pair of vibrating undies which may not be easy to wash and/or only come in “one-size-fits” all undies that only fit very limited sizes.

Babeland has come up with a decent alternative in their Remote Vibe Panty. I say decent because it’s better, but still not perfect. They package a remote bullet with a pair of underwear that actually fits a lot of people. It’s such a simple idea that it is genius and amazing that no one has come up with it before.  The underwear has ties on the sides so you can easily adjust the size. Why didn’t I think of that!?! It’s still not going to fit everyone, but it will fit most people at a reported size range of 25-65″ hips. The vibrator fits into a pocket in the undies so that it can nestle up against your clit easily without fear of falling out and is removed easily for washings. So those issues are pretty much solved unless of course your hips are larger than 65″.

The vibrator has quite a range. I first tested it out with my wife at home. She stood at one end of our super long (about 55 feet) apartment and I stood all the way at the other and had no problem turning it on and off from that distance. We then ventured out into the world to test the toy. This is when my wife started to hate me. Apparently she does not like it when her clit is spontaneously vibrated, which made this game a lot less fun. To be fair, it might have been more fun on a romantic date instead of a going away party at a crowded nightclub. By the end of the night she was calling me an asshole when I would turn the vibe on so I don’t think she’ll let me test the romantic thing at this point. Maybe once she forgets that evening in about 6 months to a year she’ll let me try again. Lesson learned.

However, I was able to learn a few things about the vibe despite my wife’s ill mood. The range may be fantastic, but there is no way to tell if the vibe is even on or not from the remote. You can just keep pushing away at the button and have no idea if you are cycling through the 3 vibration speeds or not unless you can gauge your partner’s reaction. That’s pretty much impossible to do when you can’t see their face because you are elsewhere in the club. Other remote bullets do have a screen that tells you what speed you are on, which would’ve come in handy I’m sure.

Another problem is the kind of batteries this toy takes. It takes 4 watch batteries and 1 N battery, which are pain in the ass batteries to find. Although, it seems that the one that Babeland is now offering actually takes 3 N batteries instead. Either way, still a pain in the ass. The Cry Baby remote vibe takes a 12V and 2 AAAs, which are soooo much easier to find. Speaking of batteries, this toy drains them. It is normally a good idea to take the batteries out of your toys to prolong their life, but in this case it is a necessity. Leaving the batteries in while not in use will pretty much guarantee that you will come back to a dead toy.

The good news is that the vibe is super quiet so you should have no trouble wearing it out in public unless you go to a library or something. But even then, people will probably just assume the vibrating is a cellphone.

The details:

The toy is hard plastic with a soft rubber coating. It is porous which means that bacteria can harbor in it. Don’t share this toy unless you’re not actually touching your genitals with it (totally possible if you’re only using it in the undies – just be sure to clean the undies). To clean wipe down with a wet soapy washcloth or spray with toy cleaner and wipe down. The toy is not waterproof so do not run it under water to clean.

The vibe has 3 speeds, none of which are really intense. And, learn a lesson from me, try to only use it on romantic dates.

Its been many many months since Emotional Bliss sent me the Femblossom Heat to review. What took so long? They could not find any of the information I requested and I kept holding out in case they did end up finding it. But we’ll get to that in a minute.

First, the specifications:

The Femblossom Heat is a rechargeable plastic vibe that covers the entirety of your vulva so that it can vibrate not just your clit, but your labia as well. It has 9 different speeds and patterns and along with those comes different levels of heat. It has a power button and up and down buttons so that you can peruse the different intensities. It also features an anti-bacterial agent that activates with water so that it can be uber clean.

When I had read about this magical heating up of the vibrator I had my doubts. After all, my Hitachi heats up if it takes me a long time to cum. I just assumed that this was going to be the case with this toy as well. The instructions, which told me to leave the toy running on its own for a few minutes before use, made me skeptical. Turned out I was wrong. The heat was specifically targeted on the areas that would be hitting my vulva and not on the rest. My hand would not overheat! Now if only they had made it so that you could control the level of heat without also changing the intensity of vibration. Its no secret that I like a super strong vibe, but it turns out that while I really really like heat (unlike cold), I don’t like it to be super hot. I felt like the toy was going to burn my clit off! Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but still! I’d like some control over both heat and vibe intensity. Because of this issue it couldn’t get me off . However, it was a great warm up (pun fully intended) to the Hitachi.

Another issue I had with this toy is that it felt awkward in my hand and the controls seemed a bit unintuitive. Granted, if this was a great vibe I would take the time to learn the controls and damn the awkwardness in hand! I mean seriously, the Hitachi is extremely heavy and bulky, but I rarely complain about how it feels in hand.

And then there’s the name! Femblossom? They also make a toy called the Womolia. *Wretch* Is this second wave feminism back in full force? Did I fall into a time warp? Its just all so ‘love and embrace your womanhood.’ And while I agree with that mentality, I don’t feel the need to talk about masturbation as “emotional bliss.” I masturbate, I fuck myself, I cum. Emotions need not apply. Maybe I’m just too blunt for the flowery words. They just don’t appeal to me. I feel like the names are targeting a much older audience. You know, like my mom.

But one of the biggest issues I had, and the reason that this review took so long, was because of this anti-bacterial agent business. Supposedly when water hits it it magically acts to kill all bacteria. They say they have studies to back this up. However, when I requested information from them about these studies or even access to the studies themselves I got nothing. They apparently couldn’t locate them. What I want to know is what this magical material is. Does it emit any sort of chemicals when it is in contact with wetness? Because you know my vag gets pretty wet at times. I just can’t endorse a product if I don’t know how it works and how safe it is.

The truth is that I really wanted to like this toy despite the awful name (it wouldn’t be the first to have one and at least they were trying) and the fears of overheating. I was pretty excited when they contacted me to try it out. I had read some reviews of the Femblossom before and they made it sound pretty awesome. I’d had my eye on it. I like it when my entire vulva is vibrated and I love heat. Plus there’s the rechargeable factor which is pretty awesome and with the high price tag I assumed this was going to be a pretty awesome luxury type toy. Call me disappointed.