Speaking of sex positivity, I just read a fantastic article over at Feministing which discusses a compilation of sexual myths that a panel came up with at the Rethinking Virginity Conference at Harvard. This relates to my previous articles because our narrow definitions of and great value placed on virginity is extremely sex negative. It implies that the only kind of valuable sex is heterosexual penis in vagina sex and it also implies that a woman’s body becomes devalued the more often she has sex. It implies that the sex itself will be less good with a woman who has had lots of sex. I tend to think that that is the opposite of true. The more experience we have doing something, the better we get at it. Practice, practice, practice.
Here are the myths they came up with (go to the article to read what they have to say about each myth):
- The hymen is THE definitive marker of virginity.
- Valuing virginity protects girls and women.
- Queer sex doesn’t “count”
- You can only “lose it” once.
- Sex within marriage is the “healthiest” kind.
- There’s one universal definition of sex.
- Slut-shaming plays an important social role by discouraging “risky” behavior.
- Teens should learn that sex is dangerous so they won’t put themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancy and/or STIs.
- Teens don’t want to talk about sex with their parents.
- There is no such thing as sex-positive abstinence.
I never had a girlfriend and have sex. And it is really hard for me. Could you, plz, advice me how I can put the condom in that it will last good in the intercourse? Also, I would like to know can the vagina be so tight or so dry the condom can fell out from the penis ? I am 24 yrs old and never had sex with anyone. It is hard. I masturbate every day and I would like to find a good looking lady like you. When I had an opportunity for sex, should I do it ? Can you give a advice for a good artificial vagina for masturbation ?
Welcome back to the epic question that I will answer in 3 parts. Part 1 about putting on a condom can be found here.
Part 2, which is this part, will address the question “When I have an opportunity for sex, should I do it?”
That is really up to you. Some people choose to have sex with the first person who offers, some choose to wait until “the one” comes along, some choose to wait until they fall in love, some choose to have sex with a dear close friend, and some choose to have sex with a prostitute for the first time. There is no right or wrong way to choose when is the right time as long as it is right for you. And you’re already getting the right idea making sure to know how to use a condom correctly so you are ready when you do decide to have sex. I also recommend checking out an all inclusive guide to sex so you can learn more about it before you even get to that point. I recommend The Guide To Getting It On which is a bit hetero-centric, but that sounds like it would be okay for you. I also really like The Good Vibes Guide to Sex which I feel is a bit more inclusive.
Stay tuned for Part 3!
I love seeing how people get to my site. And sometimes they inadvertently find my site by asking a question I never answer here. That makes me sad :( So in the interest of getting people’s questions answered I will respond to questions I see people Googling to get here.
Q: I had sex. Get married?
A: Only if you really want to get married should you get married. Having sex isn’t a good enough reason though. Do you love the person? Do they love you? Do they treat you with respect? Are you compatible? Do you communicate well and on a regular basis? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life together? Do you enjoy spending your downtime together? How quickly does this person get on your nerves? Do you work well together as a team? Are your emotional and physical needs being met?
These are just a few of the questions you should be asking yourself. But you should keep in mind that a whole hell of a lot of people have premarital sex. I’ve read statistics varying from 90 to 95% of all Americans have premarital sex. I don’t know what the rate is though for who gets married to the person they lose their virginity to. But considering the supposed averages of partners each person has, I’m going to assume that most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart.
A sidenote to the link on average partners: Really ladies? Only 4 men in your lifetime? Either y’all are lying or I’m the biggest slut in the world.
There are several new studies out that scare the hell out of me. Sex education should be a basic right for everyone. It is a necessity. How can you possibly keep yourself sane and healthy if you are having sex, but don’t know anything about it other than it feels good? And hell, if you’re a woman, maybe you don’t even have that much going on.
The Sexist points to a recent study (giant pdf) done by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy which surveyed single Americans aged 18-29 asking them about their perceptions of contraception. It turns out that women don’t know too much and men know even less.
Twenty-eight percent of young men think that wearing two condoms at a time is more effective than just one. Twenty-five percent think that women can prevent pregnancy by douching after sex. Eighteen percent believe that they can reduce the chance of pregnancy by doing it standing up.
For the most part, men lagged behind women on the pregnancy prevention front. And when the study dipped into the realm of “female” forms of birth control, the gender divide intensified. In the study, 29 percent of men and 32 percent of women reported that they know “little or nothing about condoms.” When asked to rate their knowledge of birth control pills, 78 percent of men reported to be clueless, compared to 45 percent of women.
To really drive the level of stupidity home, the article shares anecdotes from women with clueless boyfriends not understanding how the NuvaRing works (“how is it going to catch my semen?”) or even how women’s bodies work (can you shower on your period while not wearing a tampon?). They point to the lack of sex education and knowledge of women’s bodies as the problem here and I have to agree strongly.
The next study done by the Kinsey Institute shows that Americans can’t even agree on what sex is. The study was a survey of 486 mostly heterosexual 18-96 year olds. They asked a series of questions involving different sexual acts and then asked them if it was sex. “Would you say you ‘had sex’ with someone if the most intimate behavior you engaged in was [blank]?”
“two out of ten people did not concur that penile-anal intercourse was sex, and three out of ten said ‘no’ to oral-genital activity, as did half of the respondents about manual-genital contact.” And, while 95 percent classified penile-vaginal penetration as sex (one has to wonder what does count for the remaining 5 percent), that number dropped to 89 percent in cases where the man doesn’t ejaculate.
You have to wonder if this is part of why people are so clueless about safer sex and birth control. If we can’t even decide on what sex is then how can we adequately protect ourselves? And hell that’s why Gold Star Lesbians are still considered virgins by so many mainstream folks. I mean, how can queer sex even exist at all within these kinds of definitions? Its no wonder so many people so offensively ask how two women can have sex.
It reminds me of when I lost my virginity. I had a pretty traditional view of losing one’s virginity at the age of 17 and yet my boyfriend at the time still considered himself to be a virgin even after we had, what I considered to be, sex. His penis went in my vagina and he broke my hymen. It hurt. There was no real thrusting or orgasms that night. But I thought I’d lost my virginity. According to him though, neither of us had.
Can we please stop with the abstinence only education already? It does NOT work! We all have a right to know how to take care of our bodies and learning about sex is a huge part of that.
Hi, I am 23 years old, I am not yet ready to get pregnant but my boyfriend keeps asking about my virginity. I told myself that I will not give my virginity but the time we had romance we both felt hot we can’t control. My question goes like this: We had sex after my period and almost 1 week we involved in sex but we use withdrawal method, is there a possibility that I get pregnant?
Most questions I receive don’t phase me, but this one got me. In fact I often don’t even answer questions right away when I get them, but I think this one deserves a quick answer.
Yes, you can get pregnant from the withdrawal method. This method is far from fool proof. When a man gets an erection a clear fluid leaks out of his urethra. This is called precum and it can have sperm in it. This can get you pregnant. Also, a lot of guys, especially the younger and/or more inexperienced ones, don’t have the control or the body awareness to be able to pull out before ejaculation. This can definitely result in pregnancy.
And then there are all the possible infections and/or diseases you can contract from unprotected sex. Just genital to genital contact is enough for a lot of stuff to be contagious.
So please PLEASE go out and get yourself some condoms. Also go to the doctor and get yourself tested for any STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) and get yourself a pregnancy test.
And for those of you out there who are committed to remaining virgins: this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t still be prepared. The heat of the moment happens and it is better for you to have safer sex gear (condoms, lube, dental dams, gloves) on hand just in case. Please be safe and have fun.
Please, give some detail…what are the advantages and disadvantages of being a virgin after age 18, or just being a virgin at all?
What we saw in my last blog can be seen as a disadvantage to remaining a virgin. Basically the level of inexperience can make sex difficult, frustrating, awkward, and even painful. Also having the status of virgin can be embarrassing as some peers may make fun of you. Potential dates may even reject you for your virginity. So there can be some definite disadvantages there. However, the advantages can highly outweigh the disadvantages if they are the types of advantages you are seeking.
It is really best for one to wait to have sex until they are physically, emotionally, and mentally ready. A lot of people that I have talked to actually say that they wish they had waited longer. Sex can be a wonderful thing, but it should really only be done by mature adults who understand and can handle the consequences that sex brings with it. I’m not about to start a crusade to get kids to stop having sex though because I personally think it is impossible. It is best to equip them with as much knowledge as we can so that they are prepared.
Some huge advantages to holding onto your virginity are not having to deal with the consequences that sex brings. If one is a virgin (and I’m not talking technical virgin meaning one who has done everything but had penile/vaginal intercourse, we’re talking real virgin who has maybe participated in some petting at most) there is no fear of STIs, no fear of pregnancy, and less complicated emotional issues. Sex is super fun and can bring people closer together, but it can also be horrible and violating and tear people apart.
So my suggestion is to hold onto your virginity as long as you want to. Hold onto it until you know you are ready for those types of consequences. Enjoy getting to know people and having heavy make out sessions that leave you both hot and bothered. Oh how I miss those days. But also keep yourself informed. Read books about technique, safer sex, and even emotional intimacy. Even if you don’t have practical knowledge going into the bedroom you will have some knowledge you can work from and that can make a huge difference. Keep an open mind and an open ear and you will learn very quickly exactly what your partner enjoys.