Here are the myths they came up with (go to the article to read what they have to say about each myth):

1. The hymen is THE definitive marker of virginity.
2. Valuing virginity protects girls and women.
3. Queer sex doesn’t “count”
4. You can only “lose it” once.
5. Sex within marriage is the “healthiest” kind.
6. There’s one universal definition of sex.
7. Slut-shaming plays an important social role by discouraging “risky” behavior.
8. Teens should learn that sex is dangerous so they won’t put themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancy and/or STIs.
9. Teens don’t want to talk about sex with their parents.
10. There is no such thing as sex-positive abstinence.

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This post, 10 Sexual Myths, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 05/06/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: 10 Sexual Myths. Thanks for visiting!
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Welcome back to the epic question that I will answer in 3 parts. Part 1 about putting on a condom can be found here.

Part 2, which is this part, will address the question “When I have an opportunity for sex, should I do it?”

That is really up to you. Some people choose to have sex with the first person who offers, some choose to wait until “the one” comes along, some choose to wait until they fall in love, some choose to have sex with a dear close friend, and some choose to have sex with a prostitute for the first time. There is no right or wrong way to choose when is the right time as long as it is right for you. And you’re already getting the right idea making sure to know how to use a condom correctly so you are ready when you do decide to have sex.  I also recommend checking out an all inclusive guide to sex so you can learn more about it before you even get to that point. I recommend The Guide To Getting It On which is a bit hetero-centric, but that sounds like it would be okay for you. I also really like The Good Vibes Guide to Sex which I feel is a bit more inclusive.

Stay tuned for Part 3!

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This post, If I Have the Opportunity, Should I Have Sex?, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 04/07/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: If I Have the Opportunity, Should I Have Sex?. Thanks for visiting!
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The Sexist points to a recent study (giant pdf) done by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy which surveyed single Americans aged 18-29 asking them about their perceptions of contraception. It turns out that women don’t know too much and men know even less.

Twenty-eight percent of young men think that wearing two condoms at a time is more effective than just one. Twenty-five percent think that women can prevent pregnancy by douching after sex. Eighteen percent believe that they can reduce the chance of pregnancy by doing it standing up.
For the most part, men lagged behind women on the pregnancy prevention front. And when the study dipped into the realm of “female” forms of birth control, the gender divide intensified. In the study, 29 percent of men and 32 percent of women reported that they know “little or nothing about condoms.” When asked to rate their knowledge of birth control pills, 78 percent of men reported to be clueless, compared to 45 percent of women.

To really drive the level of stupidity home, the article shares anecdotes from women with clueless boyfriends not understanding how the NuvaRing works (“how is it going to catch my semen?”) or even how women’s bodies work (can you shower on your period while not wearing a tampon?). They point to the lack of sex education and knowledge of women’s bodies as the problem here and I have to agree strongly.

The next study done by the Kinsey Institute shows that Americans can’t even agree on what sex is. The study was a survey of 486 mostly heterosexual 18-96 year olds. They asked a series of questions involving different sexual acts and then asked them if it was sex. “Would you say you ‘had sex’ with someone if the most intimate behavior you engaged in was [blank]?”

“two out of ten people did not concur that penile-anal intercourse was sex, and three out of ten said ‘no’ to oral-genital activity, as did half of the respondents about manual-genital contact.” And, while 95 percent classified penile-vaginal penetration as sex (one has to wonder what does count for the remaining 5 percent), that number dropped to 89 percent in cases where the man doesn’t ejaculate.

You have to wonder if this is part of why people are so clueless about safer sex and birth control. If we can’t even decide on what sex is then how can we adequately protect ourselves? And hell that’s why Gold Star Lesbians are still considered virgins by so many mainstream folks. I mean, how can queer sex even exist at all within these kinds of definitions? Its no wonder so many people so offensively ask how two women can have sex.

It reminds me of when I lost my virginity. I had a pretty traditional view of losing one’s virginity at the age of 17 and yet my boyfriend at the time still considered himself to be a virgin even after we had, what I considered to be, sex. His penis went in my vagina and he broke my hymen. It hurt. There was no real thrusting or orgasms that night. But I thought I’d lost my virginity. According to him though, neither of us had.

Can we please stop with the abstinence only education already? It does NOT work! We all have a right to know how to take care of our bodies and learning about sex is a huge part of that.

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This post, Why We So Desperately Need Good Sex Ed, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 03/06/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Why We So Desperately Need Good Sex Ed. Thanks for visiting!
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Most questions I receive don’t phase me, but this one got me. In fact I often don’t even answer questions right away when I get them, but I think this one deserves a quick answer.

Yes, you can get pregnant from the withdrawal method. This method is far from fool proof. When a man gets an erection a clear fluid leaks out of his urethra. This is called precum and it can have sperm in it. This can get you pregnant. Also, a lot of guys, especially the younger and/or more inexperienced ones, don’t have the control or the body awareness to be able to pull out before ejaculation. This can definitely result in pregnancy.

And then there are all the possible infections and/or diseases you can contract from unprotected sex. Just genital to genital contact is enough for a lot of stuff to be contagious.

So please PLEASE go out and get yourself some condoms. Also go to the doctor and get yourself tested for any STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) and get yourself a pregnancy test.

And for those of you out there who are committed to remaining virgins: this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t still be prepared. The heat of the moment happens and it is better for you to have safer sex gear (condoms, lube, dental dams, gloves) on hand just in case. Please be safe and have fun.

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This post, Can you get pregnant from the withdrawal method?, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 07/02/2008. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Can you get pregnant from the withdrawal method?. Thanks for visiting!
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My biggest suggestion is to stop having intercourse for awhile. I’m thinking you should completely take it off the table for a month or two. You two need to learn what feels good without the pressure of intercourse. This will take a lot of trust and communication between the two of you and can help with not only building a happy healthy sex life, but also a happy healthy marriage. I want you to strictly stick to kissing, petting, and oral sex. Since all you did before marriage was kiss I’m going to assume that neither of you has any real experience with playing either. Try touching, caressing, kissing, licking, and nibbling all over each other’s bodies and give each other feedback on what feels great, just ok, or bad. Experiment with each other and have fun. Don’t make it a serious event. Make sure that you can both laugh and enjoy each other. Remember that the goal of this is not orgasm, but to learn how to touch each other and learn what feels good.

Once you feel ready, I suggest having your husband penetrate your vagina with one or two fingers so that you can both learn what feels good for you. What type of pressure you like, what type of speed, what type of angle works for you. Fingers have more dexterity, which will make it a lot easier to experiment than penetration with his penis. Before starting this process though you should both be as relaxed and turned on as possible.

I have a feeling that one of the reasons you may be experiencing pain during intercourse is that you are afraid it will hurt and therefore tense your vaginal muscles which makes it hurt more. Another possibility is that you have not been producing the lubrication needed in order to make things go more smoothly. This could be caused by a number or issues, but the more aroused you are, the more likely you are to become well lubricated. You can also try using a water based or silicone based lubricant if you find that you are drying out from friction or just not becoming wet enough for pleasurable sexual activity. A lot of sex toy shops carry lube samplers which will give you little 1 oz samples of several different types of lube. Try several out and find your favorite.

Another suggestion: masturbation. If you don’t already, both of you should start masturbating in order to figure out how you like to be touched. Once you get the hang of it and if you feel comfortable, try masturbating in front of each other to show each other how you like being touched. It will be educational and really sexy.

Since you both are pretty new to the sex thing in general I’m going to recommend a very general and all encompassing book: The Guide to Getting in On by Paul Joannides. It will help you learn about your own and each other’s bodies as well as give you ideas to experiment with. In my opinion, and in the opinions of many others, it is the best sex education book ever written.

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This post, We Waited Until Marriage, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 01/18/2008. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: We Waited Until Marriage. Thanks for visiting!
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